Our Asylum

Epilogue by Quiescence

2011-07-23T16:30:00.001+08:00

Greetings, all. It is I, Quiescence, the self-proclaimed admin of "Our Asylum". This here is my final post.

Pictured above is a scan of our tickets to the final movie of the Harry Potter series. I put that there with every intention to piss people off. THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE. I SAW IT IN 3D ONE DAY BEFORE ITS RELEASE IN THE STATES.

Needless to say, I am on top of the world. Which is why this blog is put to end; "Our Asylum" consists of the most senseless, depressing entries of unjustified angst. I am so very glad to announce that I am completely sane now, and will move the fuck on with life.

That came out wrong. I was never insane to begin with. Really.

After Eid, I'll be leaving home for my studies. At the moment, I feel uncharacteristically optimistic about my future at IIUM Kuantan. Perhaps it has something to do with having spent the past four months or so cooped up at home.

Seeing as this is the absolute last entry by me, I feel the need to, hahahaha yes, RAMBLE.

So I've been playing Assassin's Creed (all three of them) because Revelations is not out yet. I've also spent lots of time sulking about not owning the game "Alice: Madness Returns". I mean, come on, we fucking waited 11 fucking years! WHY DON'T I HAVE MORE MONEH?

But all is not lost.

I got my coveted bookcase. I got something else, too, but I shouldn't mention it here... Or should I? Well, I GOT A NEW LAPTOP. Never mind what laptop, but IT IS AWESOMESAUCE I FEEL LIKE I JUST OWNED THE WORLD.

Okay. I'm calm.

I only dare ask my father for one thing in one duration of time. To ask permission to go out: once a week. ...That's really the only thing that I might want that requires his permission. But now that I have asked him for a new laptop, I simply cannot summon the courage to ask for his permission to go out on this date I planned with this guy.

So what happened is this: I chose the laptop over the boy.

Please explain how that could make anyone feel like a fucking epic winner? Because I feel like "goddammit I'M A FUCKING EPIC WINNER". Excuse me while I go for another round of screaming around the house with insane delight.

I have not told the guy yet. I am so horrible and full of glee for it. One day I'll look back and think, "if only I wasn't such a selfish bitch, I wouldn't have ended up like this; abandoned and unwanted and sad and dying."

But heck, I GOT A NEW LAPTOP! Look at all the fucks I give about all those other shit:

And that's that. I bid my dark, unreasonable depression "good riddance". May we never meet again on "Our Asylum"! :D

(Why not delete the blog? It's a three-year-old archive, are you crazy, delete all this? Fuck, no!)

que has lotsa blogs: possible Epilogue

2011-07-13T00:54:00.001+08:00

I recently decided to shut down this depressing blog. After my Harry Potter fever dies down, of course. With this one down, I'll also be taking "Nothing Special" down.

Rei and I are still mulling over whether or not we should move all the muumuu's to our recently created other chibi art blog, where we already have more chibis posted than we have on muumuu.

I'm leaning heavily towards destroying all my blogspot blogs, save my fictitious one.

Maybe I'll just leave this one untouched, it being the oldest and all?

Because I've perfected my cursive. :D I'm going to rant in handwritten cursive now. In such a pretty diary too. =3=

Like my previous diary, from my high school days, it bears the mark "horcrux".

Now then. Let me begin.

I started this blog towards the end of my high school days with a post titled "prologue", which now stands as the page titled "Redundant Background Story". With the last Harry Potter premier approaching, I must admit I do not feel at the least bit depressed. Sure it's a little sad that it's The End now, but I'm sure a lot of other Potterheads feel so very glad that it is.

But, yeah, I still look forward to Pottermore. Haha...

Around two years ago, I had my sister climb aboard and collaborate with me on this blog. But since, I don't think she has posted more than 10 entries. Meh.

In my second ever post, I confided in this blog that I wish to further my studies at the International Islamic University Malaysia. I am glad to report that that dream is finally coming true; after Eid in about a month or so, I'm headed for the campus in Kuantan to study Biotech.

So it would seem that this blog has come a full circle, yes? That's why I'm thinking about ending it. Muumuu =3=

But of course, not without one last lengthy entry (at the least)! Muahahaha!

One of my dearest wishes is to have the heart to be really mean. To be the person who will shamelessly point out the big elephant in the room. To be someone who does not tolerate childishness or awkwardness or any of that crap. Like when a friend says "I'm so fat" even though they aren't, I want to be able to say "yes, that you are". In fact, I wish I could reply like that even when that friend really is fat.

But you see, I just don't have that much confidence in myself to be that someone. It's hard to be mean.

But to be insensitive is another matter entirely. I'm probably the most insensitive person I know. A friend came to me crying once about her boyfriend cheating on her and I couldn't even bother trying to soothe her because, honestly, why do people even have boyfriends?

My idea of the perfect boyfriend is someone with lots of money. The perfect husband is someone with lots of money and is dying.

Alright. I'm totally kidding. I don't have a particular type, although I do have rules.
1. I'm not making the first call. A real guy would let me fucking know that he's interested.
~~2. He must have lots of money.~~
2.

You know what? I don't even have rules. I just don't believe in any of this shit. I'll tell you what I do believe in: sex.

I told my mum that I don't ever want to get married. She dismissed it saying "ah, one day you'll get older and will begin to see..." and went on with this lecture about how horrible a thing loneliness is. Then I told the most serious adult I know: my father. Guess what he said? "Well, if someone worthy comes in through that door with a proposal right now, I'm giving them you." Then I told the most caring person I know: my brother Hisham.

"Well, jodoh tu di tangan Tuhan".

Now here's another thing I don't understand; why did God create introverts? Isn't the ideal human condition is one with socialising and marrying and having children and shit? How is it then that some of us just evolve into these self-absorbed, insensitive, spiteful beings?

The most precious worldly property a man can own is a patch of land. I know I'm bound to inherit one. But there are six of us. Then, should we decide to procreate, there will be multiples of that. To divide that patch of land among us and then our children... It'll be like in Stardust, where the brothers kill each other for the throne.

The only solution I'm happy with is one where my name gets written off of the grant entirely and I just move out to some distant country and rent someone else's property there and live and die in just the same way I came into this world; alone, and with nothing. Thinking about my future like that actually makes me feel peaceful and content about my life. Is that twisted?

Let me take this opportunity to spill another secret: I hate children.

You know how poised and motherly and wifey it looks when you see a young lady holding a small child in her arms or playing with them or making them laugh etc? Yeah. So pretty and lovely ain't it? Well, now that's a picture I simply can't fit in. I'd rather kick them in the eye. I would be most content to leave the handful bastards in a corner to rot. I resent their incessant questioning, their insatiable curiosity, their ridiculously melodious speech. If ever a child receives the misfortune of being put under my care, they'll suffer from neglect or abuse for all I care.

I have a niece and a nephew. My niece knows to behave and obey my every order. Her younger brother simply avoids me. One mustn't underestimate toddlers; they can sense evil.

Alright I'm kidding again. I really do hate children, but my niece and nephew are the exception. Because they actually do behave. I don't think there is any other three-year-old who can babysit their own little brother. And feed themselves without making a mess.

I would trade my little sister for a cat. The youngest one, not Rei. The one we here on "Our Asylum" often refer to as "the monkey". That particular sister.

I hate cute/shy guys. I can treat them like I would a friend, yes, but I will hate their guts.

I like pretty guys though. I like to observe them from a distance. Guys like Kurt from Glee. Hahahaha!

I like them the same way I like pretty girls; fun to watch from a distance, but none of them I ever want to get to know any further than their looks. Why? Well, why not?

sigh~~~

Guys I like: they're either unavailable, gay, or fiction. The one I really want happens to be all of the above. =3= If only~~~ It'll be like a relationship you can have with a cat. A genius, finicky, moderately friendly cat who's not hungry. I can put it in my lap and stroke it and it'll purr and fall asleep as I gaze out the window into the world~~~

Oh, the world~~~ How I wish I could simply look down on you from my tower~~~ How delightful it'll be, to not be a part of you, you deceitful, painful reality~~~ Sure, my reality isn't all that bad, not at all really, but I still wish to be rid of it.

Hurm... maybe I will marry someday. First thing I'll do is lose my virginity. Then I'll poison the unfortunate man. Then I will leave the World and live in a mansion with lots and lots of cats, and house-elves for looking after the place. I will read books and be lost in them until the day I die~~~

Yeah, but then I'm gonna meet God and get my ass handed to me. Crap. There goes that plan.

Maybe I could just go to school and graduate. Then I could just die. But, argh, however way I try to plot it, it'll still mean answering to God. OTL

You know what I like? Seeing a pretty face hurt. Nothing brings me more bliss than destroying something beautiful. How many of you have had the pleasure of holding a magnificent, fragile butterfly so close to a candle? The sizzling of its wings? I haven't, but I imagine it would be fascinating.

The world was a beautiful place once, the nature a perfect balance~~~ But we can all look now, and some of us can see that this is no longer the case.

Oh, the world~~~ To simply watch you from my tower with cats and discreet house-elves for companion as Man continue to desecrate you~~~ Oh, the bliss~~~

muahahaha

2011-07-06T15:31:00.002+08:00

Look what I did; new layout!

No, I'm not of Gryffindor house. Check out my other blogs! :D Yes, all four of them now wear the colours of each of the four houses in Hogwarts. Muahahaha!

Priorities lol

2011-07-05T23:08:00.001+08:00

Me: Apparently I got a free ticket from GSC for my birthday month.
Mum: So what movie are you planning to use it for?
Me: Harry Potter, of course! It premiers next Thursday :D
Mum: Owh. What about your birthday? What do you want for it?
Me: Harry Potter?
Mum: No... Say, what day is your birthday again?
Me: I dunno. I just know that Harry Potter premiers next Thursday :D

Not to mention I stayed up last night trying to finish a Harry Potter fanart that I already did last last year. :/ But hey, it'll be the very last (oh, really? Hehehe...) installment to the Harry Potter franchise (what, really?). So, as a Potterhead, of course I'm looking forward to it. I went and read the books and watched the movies and AVPM (and AVPS, duh) again. I wonder if I should wear a Hogwarts uniform to the premier? :D Alas, I do not have one of those. But I did try to get one. haha!

As for my birthday, I just know that my Sutera Harbour Junior membership will expire once I reach drinking age. hahaha! Oh, and of course I need to register for voting so I could vote people. I just find it quite hard to start caring about the whole voting deal; as if Bersih was not enough indication that the whole thing is pointless.

But, argh, I hate thinking about this stuff. Moving on.

The other thing I prioritise highly right now is reaching level 25 in Multiplayer mode in Assassin's Creed Brotherhood. I've recently reached level 20, see? After level 25, I'll try to reach level 50 pula. haha! It has got so that whenever I close my eyes, I see a highlighted compass, flashing maddeningly before my eyes, and men in pantalone masks scaling buildings trying to get to me. Actually... I think I see it through all of my waking hours. Wait... Yup; I dream about it too.

Finally, the thing I take as important: updating my blogs with incessant, senseless ramblings. It matters enough to even make me forget to mention that my offer letter arrived late last month.

I got offered an admission into a Bachelor's degree programme in Bachelor of Biotechnology. Apparently I'm going to learn how to make mutant crops or something. Whatever. All I know is I need to stop by my aunt's house in Putrajaya to get my pillow before going to register myself at the campus in Kuantan. hah.

And this blog needs a new look. More so than my horribly messy shared bedroom.

Ah. And I've put on a lot of weight over the holidays. A lot. I can't even button my jeans and cargos anymore. D: But what the heck; I love to eat.

Bookshelves and Stuff

2011-07-02T23:27:00.000+08:00

Today is my cousin Athirah's birthday, but I have not wished her ye. I hope she doesn't think I had forgotten or something. It's just that I can't be bothered to go look for my missing handphone.

No I haven't lost my phone. Okay, I have. But I'm sure I hadn't lost it outside of the house; after all I've spent the entire week indoors.

I finally gave in and started playing Assassin's Creed Brotherhood in Multiplayer mode. Boy, did I enjoy getting my ass handed to me on a silver platter. It's crazy in there; I can't even remember when I started. All I know is I've recently reached level 16 (or was it 18?), and that I get vaporised by level 50 players countless times. Oh, and Hellequin is ~~hot as fuck~~ really pretty.

Oh yeah! I just remembered; my parents bought me that bookshelf I've been pestering them for ever since my holidays started! I had fun assembling the thing myself, too. Sure, I used the wrong screwdriver and wasted the better part of three hours, but it was still fun.

I also started drawing a comic. It's composed almost entirely of verbose narrative so far, but it's a work in progress. I still can't properly draw the same character more than once though.

Although I didn't get to cross out more than one item from my to-do list, I did pretty okay I guess. At least muumuu =3= was updated five times since its creation last month.

You know... I don't think sarcasm translates well without the sound of it. But I am ecstatic about the bookshelf.

I'm in a Rage

2011-06-20T10:45:00.000+08:00

I do believe I've posted one with this title before. Meh.

I want my own bookshelf dammit. I want my computer times. I don't care about the mess in my room. After all I share the bloody room with my sister and a monkey; I didn't necessarily made all the mess. I'm also terrified about that flight back to school in September. The only thing okay about it is it'll be on September 1st (Hogwarts style haha) and I'm going to university where I'll have a room to myself, alone. Oh, and mum and dad want to come with. Everything else about it sucks balls.

I hate having to feel guilty about doing all the things I like in his house. Whatever happened to home sweet fucking home? Why can't I play computer all day? Why can't I have a second round of Assassin's Creed Brotherhood? Why are we paying an under-age to work at half-salary? I thought having her here would have meant none of the above, but there you have it; she's just here to sulk and be homesick. Why can't we just send her home so I'll actually have a reason to want to get off the computer?

Which part of "I hate everyone and everything" do you not understand, dad? I'm selfish brat and that's that! I hate people, I don't want to make new friends, I never ever want to get married! I have this plan, see? I'm going to university and graduate. And then I'll die. I'll fucking kill myself. Capisce?! There. I've said it. I'm not coming home after that absolute final exam.

Why? Because I'm currently being irrational and senseless. Because now I must go downstairs and pretend that I've been spending the last hour and 40 minutes cleaning up the mess that is my shared bedroom. Because I was born depressed and anguished and spiteful and unreasonable.

que has four blogs

2011-06-01T13:06:00.000+08:00

On blogspot. I have another one at the site that must not be named, a multiply, a livejournal, myspace and God only knows where. But the most active are obviously the ones on blogspot.

The most recent addition is muumuu =3=, which, like this one, is a collaboration between me and my sister, Rei (a.k.a. Shadow in The Corner, Resident #117, Rigel, Samara, darquiel on twitter, and so on and so forth). I go by "akoo" there and Rei is "samreigel".

"muumuu" is that kissy face =3= which my sisters and I have caught ourselves giving each other lately. Since this blog is about how our lives suck, even though they don't, we decided our random chibi strips must be uploaded to a different blog. Hence, muumuu.

A chibi strip on that blog is a "muumuu". One can say we post "muumuu's" there. Hah.

They're completely random and senseless, but far from depressing. Definitely not "Our Asylum" material. Hah.

Yes; we have no life.

Ahah!

2011-05-25T11:36:00.002+08:00

For the second time, I'm here in my school's computer lab, surfing the net all I want XD Even though what I really want to do now is colour stuff, there's nothing I can do about it. And darn it! They've blocked Youtube, I can't watch anything anymore from here -.- I shall check the other computers later, after I wipe out all of my rage, energy and venetian masks on Facebook, lol!

I know I failed Add Maths this time, because teacher said only a few of us passed. That few just have to be the top students, and there's no chance for me to be one of them. Haaa.......... I feel stupider and stupider by the minute. Yet I do nothing to stop that, which makes me proud of what I am. I still hate myself though =.= Quoting, what I wouldn't give to turn back time... I'm sure every single person in the world had already said that lots of times before us. But I had this strange thing in my mind, because that's all I do when I can't do anything about anything. What if we already turned back time but we just didn't have the knowledge we have now, thus repeating every mistakes we did before? What if we are now from the future, going back to this time to undo our mistakes? haha!

I wonder about that all the time! :D I just know it isn't true, because god doesn't give us everything we want, he gives us everything we need~ I'm 16, I know no better.

Oh, Happy Days!

2011-05-19T23:38:00.001+08:00

'Tis my sheath, and there rust and let me die~

It's the fourth day of my holiday! This was my to-do list:
1. Read all my books.
2. Play The Sims 2.
3. Play Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.
4. Re-write "SAU".
5. Finish "The Lake in Autumn".
6. Continue "Bedtime Stories".
7. Well, basically move on with "The unnamed Project".

Instead, I get this:
1. Movie marathons.
2. Starkid marathon.
3. Hunt down a bookshelf.
4. Wash the front porch.
5. Go crazy and download from MTS.
6. Glee marathon.
7. Actual marathon. Not.

I want to die. "I'm a loser baby, why don't you just kill me?"

I'm close to completing my "collections". If I sum them all up, I do believe I've come close to spending half a year's worth of my dad's salary on these storybooks. Now I need my own bookshelf. (Yes, I haven't got one yet. Shame on me.)

I Hate chores.

Mid-Term

2011-05-09T17:12:00.002+08:00

Yea, and I feel fcuked up coz all I wanna do is draw, play games and watch tv. When I do those pula, I feel like 'agh, no this isn't right i need to study' hishhh WHY DOES ADD MATHS EXIST ANYWAY?!

I played the first part of God of War III, yes it's definitely not for girls, but I play it anyway -.-

The Finals' Week

2011-05-08T00:16:00.000+08:00

It's like Time decided to pass by with much less speed than he usually would.

Time is a "he"? Indeed, que, you've lost your mind.

But is it not so?

I guess I'm just getting way ahead of myself and that's why it's like nothing is happening.

Anyway. The first paper is Understanding Islam this Wednesday at 2.30pm, and finally Chemistry II at 2.30pm on Saturday. My flight back is next Monday on the 16th.

I am ecstatic.

I went to buy books today. I thought I ought to, as my holidays will last up to September; that is a very long time, and I refuse to be spend it doing everything else but read. There must be some storybook reading involved. So. I bought:

1. Smoke and Mirrors; Neil Gaiman
2. Stardust; Neil Gaiman
3. Fragile Things; Neil Gaiman
4. Lolita; Vladimir Nabokov

Yes, I should've just bought The Sandman (by Neil Gaiman) and finish the series already. I'm actually trying to summon the courage to ask my mum for extra RM200 to buy The Sandman. OTL But I don't think I ever will. Wargh!

I just have this unexplainable obsession with ..."collecting" stuff, you know? I have everything by Lewis Carroll, J.K. Rowling, Gempak Starz's Kaoru, Ben and Zint, and now I'm trying to get everything by Neil Gaiman.

It drives me mad, but oh my God, the joy I feel when I've got them all. If Pokemons existed... God forbid.

I'm trying to get everything from the Assassin's Creed ...franchise(?) too. But alas, some of them cannot be available to me ehemhavenoxboxorpspehem.

The finals are driving me mad. The heat is driving me mad. The excitement. I'm falling off the edge.

I must get them. I must have The Sandman series. I just must. Simple as that.

But I don't have the money.

I've gone mad.

Another Fortnight and I'm Off!

2011-05-01T21:22:00.000+08:00

Boo-yeah. The finals commence the week after next. Tomorrow is a public holiday, which is marked "Dad visits!" on my calendar.

Another important mark on my calendar is the one of yesterday that says "Starship Premiers!" But it seems that I'm one of the very few Starkid who is deprived of awesome internet connection, and thus have not been able to get past Act 1 Part 3. This is literally killing me.

In addition (yes, it's like my demise is really just around the corner now), it is also that time of the month for me. I am full of rage. No, wait that not it.

I am excited about the coming holidays but nervous about the exams right before it, ecstatic about Starship and agitated about not being able to finish watching it, and, well, just basically utterly unhinged.

Oh wow I think that's the first time I used "unhinged" instead of the running theme of "insane" and "crazy" and the occasional "off my rockers". "Deranged".

I think I am going to give up on the idea of finishing Starship tonight. Maybe the fact that thousands of other Starkids with better internet connection are also watching the musical tonight is one major contributing factor to my not being able to watch them. What the heck did I just said?

Yup. That's it. I give up. maybe next week. Or better; after the exams.

The holidays it is then.

Quiescence

2011-04-27T02:23:00.000+08:00

lol how narcissistic is that, titling an entry after myself? ~~(not)~~

I never really bothered to find out whether "quiescence" is a real word or not. I just decided it was logical for it to be synonymous to "silence", to have come from the root word "quiet"... But "quiet" itself can readily be a noun. So, if I think about it some more, "quiescence" mightn't just be a real word after all. But if that really was the case, then well I could just say it's an "original" hohoho...

There are a lot of things that I can't remember; a huge portion of my past looks like this horrible collage of some sort in my mind's eye. Distorted images all mixed up in a chaotic swirl of whatever, God, stop with the fancy fancy stuff. Lemme just summarise it: I can't remember shit.

Well, I do remember some things. I remember crying in front of the whole class as my teacher tried to fix my hair. I don't remember what I felt. I remember it was some boy who made me cry, he pulled on my hair or something, but I can't remember his face. Oh, it was in kindergarten.

I remember getting stung in my eye; I think it was belacan. We were on our flight to KL (or back from?) and were eating and I somehow managed to squeeze that shit into my eye. I don't remember the pain, I just remember crying. Mum says I was three at the time.

I remember getting my hand slammed in a door; I broke three of my fingernails. I don't remember which hand it was, but I think it was my left, because the ring finger on my left is kind of bendy... or something. But that could be because of how I hold the pen when I'm writing. I was still a child at that time, too; I was playing chase with my younger brother Hadi. He slammed my hand in the door.

I remember my first day in primary school. My Father even took the time to get me a seat at the front. I remember feeling extremely disappointed in myself for giving up that seat to go to the back instead. I wonder now if, had I remained sitting at the front, I could've become a more confident person than I am today. Even on the first day of school, and since then, I've always chosen isolation.

I remember how much the night-light annoyed me at night. My mother always sent us to bed with that light on; I never liked that light. Today, I go to sleep swearing revenge on my unknowing roommate for leaving the light on. I never told my mum that I really would rather sleep in the dark. I'm never going to tell my roommate that I don't like her leaving the light on.

I remember getting tricked by a boy into exchanging my RM1 coin for his 50c coin. I made him pay me back about three years after. He paid me back, even though he admitted that he really didn't remember conning me. (LOL "conning")

I remember peeing in my seat because the teacher wouldn't believe me that I needed the toilet, that I really wasn't going to skip the class or anything. I remember wishing I had a friend who would tell the teacher that I really was a good girl. I remember how that lead to my first lie. I told my mum that maybe it was the cat who peed on my shoes. I remember how it became easier and easier to lie and hide things from my parents. I remember being a child.

I remember my first, and last best friend. We were friends since Primary 2. We were friends until Form 2. We were best friends for seven years. Then she grew up, became more matured, and I can't blame her for not waiting for me to catch up. Because I never caught up. I'm still like this. I'll always be like this.

Our friendship is the most precious thing I ever had. We shared everything. There were no walls between us. I wonder if I could've tried harder. I never had another friend like that again, ever. Someone I would trust my darkest secrets with, someone I would care enough about that I would try to always be there for them. When I lost her, my best friend ever, I stopped appreciating people. People stopped appreciating me. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I remember my first crush. I remember hating him with all my heart. I remember wishing he never existed. I remember wishing I never existed instead. I don't remember a reason for it.

I don't remember feeling grateful. I don't remember feeling like I was good enough. I don't remember being beautiful. I don't remember a face that I could confide all my worries in without feeling guilty about it. I remember crying on my mother's shoulder. But I also remember sending her to her room, crying. I'll never let my mistakes be known again. I'm never going to be as strong as I try to be. But I won't stop trying.

I Feel So

2011-04-23T18:39:00.002+08:00

Fucked up. Not only have I been procrastinating for 4 years, I don't have what it takes to fight my laziness and I have this kid for a little sister. I don't even know what I'm talking about, all I know is I live in Malaysia and I gagal BM -.- And all my friends abandon me like I'm this prey they're sacrificing so that they can proceed with their lives and get better. I'm this hollow doll standing beside them with an IQ of 67. I'm this orang suruhan who's being taken advantage of because I'm just too goddamn obedient. I'm this stupid girl who's proud of what she is because I don't even try to change that. I'm so enjoying these contacts.

When The Remarkable Turns Bizarre

2011-04-20T23:58:00.000+08:00

...reason turns rancid.

Today was going to be remarkable, as the mid-terms ended today, but instead, today turned out to be bizarre.

Firstly, there was that dream I had. Of course, that's really all a dream can be, bizarre, but this one was even more wildly so. I never had to switch my point of view that frequently, nor have I ever had to change my gender so often as that; so I say this one was more bizarre than any other dream I ever had. I mean, I actually woke up feeling dizzy and took longer than usual to remember who I really was, where I was, and what I was.

I was me one moment, and then I was my cousin, and then I was a cat or something, then I was a man, then I was Mr. Schuester (or however you spell the name of that teacher from Glee), then I was just there, floating, then I was about five people all at once because I drank this potion thing that separated me into my components or whatnot... Last thing I remember is waking up in my room, back to normal, but feeling out of place anyway because of the dream.

The only class I had today was Chemistry lab session which started at 11am. Usually, I would choose not to wake up early because there is no point to it, but today I woke up early anyway so I could attend to my reading. That is so remarkable, it's bizarre; que doesn't just wake up in the morning and think "welp. It won't hurt me to study some more." That is just not que. What's normal for que is to wake up thinking "oh what joy it is to wake up into another day that I'm going to spend being counter-productive and ungrateful. I think I'll sleep some more."

If que is one thing, she is

I mean, if I was one thing, I'm a selfish slowpoke; I'll sit and wave at Life as it passes me by if I could. But lab session was, yes, bizarre. I actually did everything right the first time, and finished first before any of my classmates. (There was some Iron(III) Thiocyanate involved, it was awesome).

After that I had decent lunch. Yes, that too is bizarre. Because it only happens once a week; I've picked up a bad habit of skipping important meals and stuffing myself with junk food in-between them instead.

Then I spent a few hours staring into the sky through my closed window. Storm raged like Hell this afternoon and I really was just waiting for the sky to break apart and the Earth to shatter from all the thunder. I barely blinked as I tried to take in everything; the great crack in the sky, the low visibility, the blinding flashes. I hope it rains again tomorrow, yes.

Then I studied some more, took a shower, and studied some more.

Chemistry paper started at 8pm. It was bizarre, too, because I managed to answer every question and left no blank spaces. But that's not to say I got everything right, no, of course not. But what usually happens is I get to finish early because I had no idea what any of the questions mean.

Then I returned to the dorms to find all the lights in all the corridors are off. Bizarre. And awesome! because that means I get to sleep with no light at all tonight!

Conclusively, reason turned rancid; being reasonable ...stinks. (?)

The Infamous "Pakgad"

2011-04-19T00:04:00.000+08:00

This short semester I'm currently taking is only two months in length, and now there's only another month to it before my long coveted holiday. This I must keep in my mind; because already I feel like going on strike or off to kill people and shit.

Understanding Islam mid-term test ended at half past nine yesterday; so also because it was Sunday, I decided I needed to head out. So I changed into some casual wear and went all the way down to the gate where I was obligated to present the security guards with my matric card.

But apparently there's a dress code to be observed when going out, and it does not include anything made of denim material. I got told off by some grouchy security guard and was sent back to the dorms.

Fucking unbelievable. I then spent an hour sitting alone in a darkened, air-conditioned classroom contemplating making a dash for it and rudely sprint right past the security post and through the gate. Oh, I was so close.

But the thought of his moustache put me off of going out and I had to leave off the matter entirely.

I've heard my classmates complain about this very incident happening to them, and have also read enough blog posts addressing the issue. But yesterday was the first time I ever encountered this particular security guard, so it was kind of a shock for me.

I don't understand why wearing jeans should be any problem. Is it because pantyline shows a lot more clearly when wearing those cheaper slacks? 'Cause after his rant about insensible dress code, he told me to put on some slacks instead.

My aunt is currently in Semporna, and my cousin Athirah will soon follow; that means I don't get to escape the dorms this weekend either. But I would very much like to not spend all weekend sulking here, so.

I wonder if there are also rules against cargo pants?

"Pakgad" (noun) - Slang for "mister security guard"

In School

2011-04-18T14:48:00.002+08:00

Yes, I'm at my school now, in the computer lab. I think all students are given access to this place after school, but we all just didn't know that. Or maybe we did, but we forget about it most of the time. I'm supposed to go to drama practice, but really there isn't going to be anything for me to do there, so I might as well linger here a bit. It's a pity bug bro still has my pendrive, if it wasn't for him (hey) I'd be listening to my own songs now, not some custom Windows music or what. And stupid Youtube videos won't give out sounds. I don't understand.

Oh yes, only yesterday did I find a PV by supercell's Shirow Miwa > Perfect Day, and just now I found this thing they've been crazing over the past year; Cencoroll. I saw this word everywhere near supercell, Cencoroll Love & Roll, I didn't understand this shit, but yes, I found Cencoroll, it's a three part movie of some sort. Surprisingly, our school internet connection was well-known for its goddamn slownesses but it loads youtube videos rather quick.

Just now I tried to download song from a site, but the kementerian prevented me from doing it. But when I downloaded Adobe Flashplayer in order to watch youtube videos, there seemed to be nothing wrong! Hmm, maybe it's one of those computer stuff I don't get.

Sigh~ am waiting for Haxea to get back from toilet to watch next part of Cencoroll together. I like typing here coz the keyboard is so nice, unlike the one back at home it was so keras I have so much trouble with it. -.- Where is she? Oh, here she is. I go watch now.

What in The Blazes...

2011-04-16T02:02:00.000+08:00

Our baby sister decided to make her own blog [link]. I only found out when I realised that "Our Asylum" just got one more follower.

I do not approve. Especially of all the red. And nonsense of epic fail proportions. I now conclude that she is indeed the most desperate for attention among the three of us.

I'm currently listening to The Ting Tings' "Great DJ" (or something) and I just can't seem to stop.

The mid-term paper for Understanding Islam is tomorrow. No, I have not revised.

Oh! The presentation on "Nifaq" went okay, but I don't think I managed to harvest as much ...marks. I woke up really early to practice, but still when my turn came I started shaking and paused a lot at times and well it actually sucked I guess. But the lecturer said it was a good presentation. But I don't think he meant my part. OTL But that's over now.

I also started watching Glee. Because I found out that a Starkid is in the second season. I haven't watched the second season though, sadly. So my favourite for now is Kurt. Because he is awesomesauce. And gay.

I've also marked the premier to Starship on my calendar.

The tension is killing me. Oh. God. Almighty. Allah. Help me.

Today, I shall start by going to bed. When I wake up, I want to get ready and go out. I want to go watch a movie. I'll be going alone.

I've often mentioned here that I do that when I'm depressed. But because it is now ten to two in the blooming morning, I'll just repeat the list here.

Things I do when I get depressed:
1. Streak
2. Masturbate
3. Frequent the cinema alone

Only when I'm depressed. When I'm really full of ennui, I'll just go ahead and ~~die~~ sulk, do nothing. Stare at the huge blank that is a wall. Yea.

I'll use the fact that I should be in bed as an excuse to type up this crazy of a post.

I want to go on a date. We'll go to Sunway Pyramid and point and laugh at the people ice-skating in the skating rink below. Then we'll eat sushi. Then we'll eat cake. Or ice-cream. I wish it was okay to date a girl. Girls are so pretty~ Pretty hair~ Pretty hands~ Pretty wrists~

What? I should sleep.

And the drums. the drums. the drums. the drums. the drums. the drums.

I wonder what her name is... Pretty girl with a pretty name~ It makes me yawn. Wait, I think that's my sleepiness again.

Explain to me please, why do we refuse to sleep and then refuse to wake up? Why do we refuse to dream and then refuse to stop dreaming?

Kurt you are awesomesauce I love you. I'll never tell you I love you though; I'll just and watch you from afar because you're kind of like a pretty girl.

I wonder if gay people can be attracted to someone of their opposite sex if that someone is a lot like someone who is the same sex as them? Like, a dyke falling in love with a

I should sleep.

formspring.me

2011-04-11T12:44:00.001+08:00

I'll have your shins, for I am bored. http://formspring.me/quiescence

Apologies

2011-04-10T14:03:00.000+08:00

"Our Asylum" is supposed to be all about depression and senselessness. But alas, I feel a need to take on a new direction... Is it starting, the time when Rigel and I are no longer ...in synch?

Make no mistake though; I'm still senseless. I mean, why in the blazes would a blog of insanity share tracks from one particularly hilarious parody of the greatest most awesomest pandemic fandom ever?

I'm sorry, Rei, you're absolutely dejected right now about ...Rigel, I know, but, I'm totally over hatter ~~(not)~~ and am in a frenzy fangirling over this musical. I can't help it.

However, you can bet on it being temporary; this coming week, I have a presentation for Understanding Islam. Of all the titles I could get assigned, I got "Munafiq". How proper. I mean, I am perhaps the very epitome of Munafiq. I hate myself for it.

Chemistry 2 mid-sem is pushed to the 20th because of MUET. I'm not sitting for it again, no, but some of the candidates are, yeah.

I went with Athirah to pasar malam last Friday, and bought a stuffed dolphin. I named it "Dominic". No, I'm not going to have to starve for it; it came real cheap, cause the merch is faulty – Dominic has scars. It's a hot-pink stuffed dolphin, with fins that are sure to bring about its demise were it to actually swim as an actual dolphin. It's a shame, really; but I had to get it out of there, no one else would have. Meh.

Theodore, my stuffed teddy bear, will still be my favourite. I mean, it's sentient, so.

There, see? Still crazy, but not the depressed kind. que: out.

Rigel

2011-04-07T15:37:00.002+08:00

Rigel doesn't listen to anyone. Rigel doesn't care what other people say. Rigel knows what it's doing.

Some people have little voices in their heads, telling them things or replying their thoughts. I have a voice in my head too, only it's not little, it actually sounds just like my voice. I like to think that this voice belongs to someone else. My other self. Rigel, I call it. It seems to like it, I think. Rigel says Rei is also here. Rei says a couple of words, and nothing after that. But I could feel her here.

I was just like every other girl my age that time, who likes shoujo mangas and Miley Cyrus, wants to chat and go out with friends all the time, who talks about her boyfriend day and night. Occasionally, I would think about doing something pointless and stupid (like those girls) and Rigel would reply to me without mercy, of the truth that those things are plain stupid and tell me what I really need to do instead. When other people talk to me, Rigel would reply every single stupid remark and I always slowly realize that Rigel's words are right. Since then, everything Rigel said was right to me, because they were. Rigel became everything to me. When I come to a problem, I would seek out Rigel's help. I was Rigel. And because I was Rigel, I was never involved in anything.

Then I went to high school. Of course, everybody matures. I found out that I need to get involved with everyone else more. So I started acting like a normal person, talking to other people and take note of everything that was going on. I wanted to impress my friends by becoming just like them. I was no longer me. I knew Rigel didn't like it. I don't know what Rei thinks. I know she doesn't care, and will only continue watching me.

I was under the blankets in my bed the minute everyone was celebrating New Year. I didn't feel right, I knew something was wrong. But I shrugged it off. Then I realized a part of me was gone a week after that night. Rei was still here, but Rigel was gone. I told myself it's okay. Rigel's done this lots of times. Rigel will come back, like always. I was fooling myself. I knew Rigel. This time, Rigel isn't going to come back anytime soon. Maybe never.

I became nothing. My head was completely empty. I could talk casually, do work flawlessly and laugh without fail but that was it, they were all empty. I can't even find out what's 1 + 1 myself, I had to use the calculator. I realized that without Rigel, I am nothing. Rigel did most of the work, all I did was tag along. Rei watches, not saying anything but I feel her 'In your face'.

Now for some reason, the people I abandoned Rigel for are no longer around me. It's that time I start looking for Rigel again. I know Rigel. Rigel isn't coming back until I'm ready. Even if I am, it's no guarantee Rigel will come back anyway. I scream for Rigel, I keep calling and pleading. Now I'm alone, stupid and hopeless.

Well of course, if I were to choose between Rigel and my family, I'd choose my family, don't take me for one of those stupid teenagers who think their life sucks. I love my life, it's more than anything I could ask for. I feel like I don't deserve such a life.

Elle Paris

2011-04-03T17:03:00.002+08:00

I bought new watch :D It's red, and it doesn't look much different than the one I left in Heathrow. Except it's not Elle Studio, it's Elle Paris and I just don't know what's the difference. I've been missing that watch since I realized it was gone. Finny has one exactly like it, pink, but round and not oval, and she takes it off and put it on the table when in class, so I could see it lying on our tables every single day. I miss that watch, even if it's pink T^T But nevermind! I forced dad to buy this beautiful new one (evil) nghahahaa

And now I'm still listening to AVTechNO!~~~~ My current fetish of his is Free by Megurine Luka and Kagamine Len >/////< And I found this lesbian video of Rin and Miku -_- cept it's not entirely yuri. Title's Black Vow or something.

Baby, You're Not Alone

2011-04-03T02:28:00.000+08:00

'Cause you're here with me
and nothing's ever gonna bring us down
'cause nothing can keep me from loving you
and you know it's true
it don't matter what'll come to be
our love is all we need to make it through

GREETINGS EARTHLINGS~~~ =3=

que is in a marvelous mood. Smiling like an idiot. Out of the blue, like a madman.

Well, worse than the madman that I already am, obviously.

From the excerpt above, you must've figured it out already.

I've fallen in love. Yes.

I want to shout it out from the mountain tops, tell the Whole World...

I'M IN LOVE~~~~~!!!!!!!!! with this guy.

Yeah, no, I'm kidding. But the MOE got to me. QuirrelxVoldemort FTW.

So almost three years later, I finally got around to finish watching "A Very Potter Musical" and its sequel. The only thing I'm disappointed in is myself, for not doing this earlier. Damn, they're one awesome troupe. As Potter said, "man, I'm glad I went back!"

This had better last; I don't have much happy thoughts to go on with.

Dammit, que, why do you have to turn this whole thing around and dive into that endless pit of depression? Enough, now. Think of the MOE.

That could only get me so far.

Enough. Happy thoughts. MOE.

I took my first Chemistry quiz this semester last Friday, and I think I did pretty good. Yeah. I hope I did.

Which was why I decided to spend the weekend catching up with this three-year-old Harry Potter parody. I regret nothing.

Well, other than that, I hung out with my big brother Hashim on Friday night. It was funtimes; we raced each other on Tattooine. In the arcade. And then we watched "Rango". It is awesome. I mean, that snake is so badass. 8D

Bro Hashim left on Saturday, early in the morning; so I returned to the cinema just now with my cousin Athirah. Haha. We watched "... Dalam Botol". That one was kind of disappointing. [SPOILER ALERT] Yeah, stories without a happy ending tend to. For me, anyway.

Now, then.

I see Resident #117 has finally posted some chibis! YAY! I am ecstatic now that there'll be more than pointless, irrational ramblings posted up here on "Our Asylum"! In fact I'm so happy, I might just change the whole theme again!

YES! OH MERLIN'S BEARD, WHY NOT? Hatter and Rigel are both gone now, so why not?

Oh yeah; I'm only a fortnight into the short semester and I have no photoshop or SAI with me to work on any new drawings.

But no fear! I have May 16th till early September free! :D

Joy! Carameldansen!

Animal Cruelty

2011-04-01T17:18:00.003+08:00

*sakai - that face you have when you see something ordinary to other people for the first time

Today

2011-03-31T17:34:00.002+08:00

I downloaded a Rin song because Lina told me to. I made Teh Tarik before mom told me to coz I hate it when mom tells me to do it when I'm on the computer already. And I'm chatting with Haxea's boyfriend. He never really express himself right. It's so darn frustrating. Then he type in Chinese pula. I donno how long could I put up with that -_-*

And I still love AVTechNO!. OH YES, I found out that there's this copycat Japanese band that made a song from stealing AVTechNO!'s DYE!!!! I HATE THEM!!! GAAAHHH You should've listened to that song, IT SUCKED SERIOUSLY

Pieces

2011-03-29T17:39:00.001+08:00

Too late, this is not the answer
I need to pack it in
I can't pull your heart together
with just my voice alone

The thousand shards of glass,
I came to meet you in
you cut the peace out of me

And as you ripped it all apart
that's when I turned to watch you
and as the light in you went dark,
I saw you turn to shadow

If you would salvage some
part of you that once knew love
but I'm losing this
and I'm losing you

Oh, I've gotta turn and run
from places that you've never seen
oh, I've gotta save my blood
from all that you've broken,
pack up these pieces of me

It's too late now to stop the process
this was your choice; you let it in
this double life you lead
is eating you up from within

The thousand shards of glass,
you pushed beneath my skin
and left me lying there to bleed

And as you showed me your scars
I only held you closer
but as the light in you went dark,
I saw you turn over

I wanted always to be there for you
and close to you
but I'm losing this
and I'm losing you

Maybe without me you'll return
to all the beauty I once knew
but if I stayed, you know
we will both be drowned
by you holding onto me

Apocalyptica's "Broken Pieces" featuring Lacey Mosley of Flyleaf

I started listening to this song again and find myself lost in deep depression once more; it makes me think of hatter.

I'm completely off my rockers, so, yeah, just let me type this down aight? Aight. Onwards.

I wonder if a real person can care for anyone like this. Even more, perhaps. Care enough to accept that your own disappearance will be for the better for that person. Hatter was my bestfriend. I was hatter. He was me. I broke myself, and then he was just there.

Maybe we fell in love at one point?

That's messed up, falling in love with yourself; what a narcissist.

No, I am no narcissist; if anything, I hate myself.

He started thinking about leaving after a while. It was when we had become absolutely inseparable. It was when I had cut myself completely off the rest of the waking world. Maybe he saw how it was affecting me.

I can't believe I still think about him as a separate entity. He was me. My visor. My armour, my shield.

You know that ex-boyfriend/girlfriend that you can never quite get over with? It's like that for me with hatter.

I'll never forgive him for leaving. I'll never really let him be gone. I'll never stop telling myself that I'm completely alone and it's okay.

But let's get back to reality just now.

This semester would be my last in Foundations. I'll be 21 in about three months. I still wouldn't have climbed Mt. Kinabalu by that time. Oh, how sad. But classes are pretty okay, apart from the part that they're all in the morning and the Friday one is between 3 to 5pm. Other than that, I'm doing pretty good.

After all, it is only less than a fortnight into the semester.

During the past holidays, I did almost all the things I put in my to-do list. The cake(s), The Sims, and one drawing. I couldn't quite get around to the sleep and Assassin's Creed just then. And exercising. I did play Monopoly with my darling sisters towards the end of the holiday though. In fact at this moment, I'd like to do nothing else than play Monopoly at home.

Seeing as I have relatively more free time in the short semester, I thought I might just get back to updating my fictitious blog; so I went and tried to catch up with it, re-read one or two entry.

I ended up reading "Stormy Nights" and scoffing at my own writing. I mean, I wrote it no less than half a year ago and already I feel the great need to improve before I may get back to posting stuff.

The part that I find most reluctant to get over and done with already is the Prologue and Epilogue: Sam's Adventures Underground. Because they constitute the making and ending of the entire thing; my own little realm of selfishness. It's too important for me to not try to get it perfect. If only I had the skills. [sigh]

I just see endless room for improvement everywhere that I can't even begin to try.

I Have Cat Fur in My Nose

2011-03-28T16:32:00.002+08:00

Ok, I HATE IT WHEN LINA DOES EVERYTHING SHE THINKS SHE CAN DO WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD!!! I mean, she has the greatest dad anyone can ever ask for, the greatest mom that could ever exist, the greatest life a growing child like her needs, a nice sister who is ALWAYS doing her favors and yet, SHE WON'T EVEN MUMBLE THE WORD 'THANKS'!!!! I doubt she even feels that word maybe, hiiisshhh

I love AVTechNo!.

What Day Is It

2011-03-24T17:29:00.002+08:00

I've been trying to get here on this blog since Monday, I think, but mom keeps choosing my time on the computer to go beli kuih -_- And we always come back around 5.40. Seriously, what's the point? Might as well not get on, yes?

So our school has this bazaria wait, pasaria thingummy on 26th March. Our class was in charge for the makanan berat, and my group practically begged mom to cook her macaroni. When I gave mom the surat about this pasaria, she found out that not only that the school forced all students to pay RM 30 for the coupons, they also shamelessly ask for parents to beri sumbangan ikhlas. What to do...

But us ICT Crew have these other things going on, we do this 'online gameplay competition' and 'mini movies'. Finny (pengerusi) put me on the afternoon shift for guarding the cinema. That's it really O_o

Oh oh! Also on the 26th March has this another round of Earth Hour! It's at 8.30 PM i think. So remind me to turn off the lights, yes?

Me Last Sem Commences T'day

2011-03-21T23:42:00.001+08:00

#nowplaying: Yellow by Coldplay

This song gives me good mood~~ Happy happiness.

We can call cute cats "kitty cats", but what about cute fishies? "Fishy fish"?

"Doggy dog"? "Horsey horse"? What about jellyfishes?

#nowplaying: Roshin Yuukai (Meltdown) featuring Kagamine Rin

This makes me think of ...hyperactivity. Muumuu =3=

Ah, yes. My results.

Chemistry I - B
Maths II - C-
Physics - A-

It's like no matter how hard I try, I will never get it perfect. I know it now: God really hates me.

But that's okay. I guess He's busy taking care of Japan or something. It would seem I would stand to see the World coming apart after all. Wouldn't that be a dream come true for me?

Is this really me being hyperactive? Well that sucks.

#nowplaying: Fluticasone featuring Megurine Luka

This is one of the songs that make me want to pull my hair out because of my inability to dance. Yeah. It would be awesome to dance to this song.

This semester being my last semester before the long, long break (June till September, man!), I only have two last subjects to go: Chemistry II and FIM1113 (I don't know what subject that is yet). You see, I missed the online pre-reg last semester, so I'm waiting for the Add-Drop Session tomorrow. I've had most unpleasant experiences dealing with the session previously, but alas, once again it is my fault that I end up having to deal with anyway.

I haven't been able to go online in the past two days, but I see Resident #117, Rigel, has been updating. Yay!

lol how awesome is that, the Shadow in The Corner is blogging again?

She has some chibi comic strips in store, I hope she decides to share them here on Our Asylum. Muumuuu =3=

#nowplaying: Mocking Bird by Eminem

Oh man... Campus WiFi is acting up again. Sheesh.

The Deal is On

2011-03-20T17:03:00.003+08:00

Oh yea, dad's retiring and won't be able to buy my way in to any university or what. So if I were to study abroad, it'd be out of my own hardwork -_- The deal, really is on now.

Sis Anis left today, and I'm already missing her -3- I don't wanna go to school huaaaa I hate school. This missing feeling's gonna end about a month, just like they used to

Actually,

2011-03-18T17:08:00.001+08:00

There was something I wanted to blog about, but the second I got here I forgot entirely about it! Oh bummer

Neway, tonight I have tuition.. Thompson, why no holiday when school holiday only public holiday have holiday huhuhuhu I don't understand how sis Anis can blog every single day and not repeat the same thing except 'alas, all i do is rant and you shall have to read my rant' and what what. Do YOU like reading people's rants about how much their life sucks, sis? I obviously don't -_- But aiyo, I guess she wouldn't have it any other way, whatever that means.

I want to cut my hair! -3- Last time I wasn't given that privilege I actually asked for, and instead had my hair cut the same as mom's. Now I look just like mom. Not to mention how much I resemble her. People keep saying I'm her twin. That doesn't make sense, I'm her daughter O_o But yes, dad gave the green light for me to cut my hair chin length, I so happy~~ Mom's still against it though. Why she have to wash car when rainy days still wander around

And why did Japan's nuclear reactor have to blow up now all my internet is slow, hish

And why did all those things happen to Japan now my homestay plan won't jadi, hish

And why does Thompson want tuition to keep going hish

Do I match sis Anis yet?

Lalala~~ I like typing, but I never really have the chance to type since I really don't have anything to type about. Oh right, I shall ask for my teacher's email. Deadline's tomorrow. Heh, actually I won't bother about it. Yea, I'll leave it. All my work put to waste -_-

And why do I keep typing in this face -_-*

And I thought it's hypocritical to ceramah people when you're not that great yourself

Hm.

2011-03-16T15:47:00.002+08:00

Well, I never really have anything to say every single day, that explains why I don't blog often! -3- Ok, you say I just have to write what happened every single day, yes? I try, even if nothing happened :)

Ok, today I woke up at 9 coz mom was screaming her throat sore for Lina and I to wake up. Then I went to toilet. Then I brush my teeth. After that I went downstairs and did the usual chores. Lina was whining like always. Sis Anis was saying 'we can live with this much dust, ma' to herself. Then sister-in-law and sis Anis helped mom in the kitchen. I watched TV. I like Parker~~ :D

Then I had lunch after shower. After that mom made me serve dessert for everyone. After that I introduced Princess Hours to sister-in-law. They're still watching it now. Lina's waiting for 4pm, which is now. So I must get off.

Honeybee

2011-03-10T16:04:00.000+08:00

I'm currently listening to it in Kagamine Len version. Well... I'm not aware of any other version now that I've come to that.

"Our Asylum" (this blog, duh) seem to be approaching an end. I created this blog some time back, as "Quiescence from The Asylum", and soon decided to get my sister to blog along with me too, hence its name changed to "The Rutledges" and then "Our Asylum".

My favourite part would be the whole time it was still called "The Rutledges". Because back then Rei would post more often than she does now.

Right. Even I don't see what any of this has to do with "Honeybee". Moving on, then.

If things continue to be like this, Rei not posting anything that is, I'm afraid this blog must be destroyed.

But why? Why? Why dammit?

I must be insane. Oh, that's it. It's because this entire thing is downright crazy and now I realise that, so I'm afraid of it. In other words, I'm just running away from the truth again, isn't it?

Or, rather, it's because the monkey is sitting right here beside me again and I'm just intent on trying to piss her off to death is why. I see... That must be it.

Follow for Follow and Other Trends

2011-03-06T21:18:00.000+08:00

I don't get it. And "blogwalking". I come across these ...terms(?) every now and then, but can't seem to figure out how these things work. OTL

I guess I'm just a ...simpleton like that. "Following" a blog only means, to me, reading the new entries, comment only when I actually can relate to the contents, and then proceed to move on to the next one. There are, of course, the not-so-rare occasions where I find myself in shock and/or awe of what I had just seen and/or read, in which case I don't leave a comment for complete loss of words. For the most part, I just want to read other people's rants. I have no life ma, so leave me be. Haha.

The way I understand it, follow-for-follow means one person follows another, and that other person will follow them back. Did I get it right?

And what is blogwalking? Is that an act of hunting down blogs worthy of a follow?

Personally, myself, for me, you know, I just have this obsession with keeping things to a minimum. I spend hours on end deleting people from my facebook, comments on pictures, stuff I posted, etc. It's insane, yes, but, I don't know, I can't help it.

Right now, I fear my Stalk List is lengthening. There used to be only like 5 items on it. Because this list lives up to its name, you see... I actually do stalk the people on my Stalk List.

Well. Maybe not really, but, something like that, yeah. What else do you call it when one is following up on everything the other is posting and remains to be silent about it? But hey, at least I'm not completely silent about it right? People on my Stalk List knows I put them there. Yea...

Say... What were the other "trends" that I was thinking about? I forgot already. OTL

Tags. Tagging people in pictures that don't really have those people in them. I don't get those. They're funny and cute and all sometimes, but other times, I just find them annoying. I dunno.

There is this site, it constitutes the most awesomest things in the World. A site that must not be named. I don't quite get why it must not be named.

Oh! Another one is the trend of taking pictures of yourself in restrooms and make duck/mouse faces. I guess "kissy" faces makes just a little more sense than them, but, yeah, so what's up with the ducky faces?

The most ridiculous ones must come from facebook. Liking your own status updates, posts, etc. Making a fan page of yourself. Not to mention the many, many apps I had to block on there because they were as pointless as they were popular.

I guess I'm just completely off my rockers, thinking there is order in every little thing. Dunno.

Rage

2011-03-02T12:01:00.000+08:00

Oh God, no, I hate this. I hate being enraged.

But I fucking am.

A week has passed, a whole bloody week, and all I got to finish is this:

Black Duchess

WALALALA!

That actually means an average of two layers per day. What? WHAT?

Mum just can't leave me at peace! I understand if she needs me to help in the kitchen or laundry or sweep the floors, but fetch her handbag, call Dad for her, collect some hangers, I mean what?... Why? Why do I have to do any of those? It just doesn't make any sense! Admit it, you just want me off the computer!

Well I don't want to be off the computer. I want to draw some more. I'm not going stop sneaking on it and draw shit. I've been on hiatus for half a year. I'm not giving up this chance. No way in this godforsaken purgatory.

I'm actually not allowed to draw, my father forbids it, but dammit I'm just ungrateful like that. So, that's why I need to be sneaky about it and hastily close a window whenever I even feel his presence climbing up the stairs. I know, it's pathetic of me, but fuck man, I need this.

I finished "Neverwhere" though. That counts for something, no? I also took Rei and the monkey out to lunch. Rei disappeared at one point when I told her to go get me drinks, but she didn't go missing long enough for me to go hysterical, so it was all good.

We watched Black Swan and it scared the shit out of me. I sure hope I don't start doing the things I always think about. Cranial matter all over the ceiling is scary. Morbid. I must resist.

Bro Hashim stole Despicable Me from us. que is a sadface.

I can't come online on Yahoo or Skype either. Cause if I did, it'll be pointless:

Me: Yo. Sup?
NotMe: Yo. Ceiling.
Me: Oh, me mum's calling. brb.
********
Me: yo. sorry. So how have you been?
NotMe: I have this awesome idea.
Me: hold that thought. My mum's calling again. ¬¬

Pretty much. Plus, I'm supposed to be drawing as much as possible. Now that I finished one, I don't know how I feel about the rest. At the moment I think I want to just stop drawing. But I know I'll need to part from Photoshop once new sem starts, so I must draw. But I too lazy. but. But. but!

Okay. I calm nao. I shall go and pour water on my head now.

Untitled LVI

2011-02-25T00:50:00.002+08:00

Ah... I didn't realise that the previous Untitled was the 55th... Could've posted something saner than that if I did. Bummer.

The monkey Lina is sitting right beside me. Ever since I got here and started taking my turn on the computer, she just sits here and makes stupid noises and ruins my concentration. My plan is pretty much destroyed; so far I've only edited two old drawings instead of getting started on the newer sketches. It is maddening. I hate this monkey.

Even though she's right here staring at the screen and the words I'm blatantly putting up here bad-mouthing her, she remains deterred. Oh, wait, not deterred. See, even the vastness of my vocabulary becomes quite diminished because of her presence.

There are more stuff that I hate than the ones I like. The stuff I like mostly have something to do with the dark; rain, storm, absence of light, nighttime, cold, winter, mountains, cheese, Sims, cats, basement cat especially, headphones, calculators, etc.

Stuff I hate, I am never even sure where to begin.

But for instance; right now, I have an intruder sitting way too close in proximity and she's keeping a disturbingly close watch on what I'm doing.

I hate that. More than I could say. When I'm on the computer, drawing or surfing or chatting with some boy, when I'm sitting for a test, those which involve calculations on the most part, when I'm at my desk doing whatever there is to be done at a desk: and someone is just somewhere too near you watching you "work". I absolutely loathe it. I mean, can I just say, "Did I invite you, bitch?"

I can already imagine it; in a hall during a Final exam, and suddenly some girl went downright crazy saying, "I'm trying to crack some brain here; you standing here is not only an invasion of my personal space, you're really actually trying to ruin my concentration, in extent my entire life. What the fuck do you want?"

I also hate it when I'm sleeping and suddenly some immature stupid brat comes in and turns on a light. Whatever light. What the fuck? I'm a light-sleeper doesn't mean I can sleep with the lights on! Suck up your fear of the dark and accept the fact that your eyes will adjust to it anyway. You don't need five minutes to walk from the door to the bed. Sweet baby jeezus.

I hate it when I get asked what my favourite colour is. Do you know how many colours are there in the perceivable world? And I only get to pick some of them? What the actual fuck? How about this then: every shade of every colour, mostly the dark ones, and the middle ones, and the light ones.

I hate it when someone leaves the door open or ajar when they leave a room. Shut the damn door!

I hate it most when people call me pet names. It's Hanisah. How difficult is that name? Most people have like two names while I only got one, yet still they insist on calling me shorter names? What? WHAT? NO YOU MAY NOT CALL ME ANIS BECAUSE I HATE YOU AND NOW I AM NEVER GOING TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.

At least not until I learn to drop it. But that is not any time soon. Likelier, not ever.

If you think "Nisah" is fine, think again. "Anisah" is even worse. "que" is for me to call myself. It is mine and mine alone. NOBODY ELSE CAN CALL QUE, QUE.

I also hate, to the very depths of my soul, I absolutely hate having my picture taken. It's only okay when I in actuality demands it. Only when I ask you to "take my picture! :D" will you have my consent. I don't care how epic a piece of camera you have, if I'm not in the mood, I'm not having any picture of me taken. NO. No amount of coaxing and threat will make me.

I abhor yam. Enough said.

I hate long conversations.

I hate unwelcome noises. Like songs being played on someone else's earphone. Seriously, if I can hear the shit you're listening to, you really need to tone it down, cause you're destroying your auditory components, and as an extent, your brain. Dumbass.

I hate slow internet.

I hate everyone and everything. That about sums it up right.

I made coffee

2011-02-14T01:24:00.001+08:00

...for my dad, but now he's fallen asleep, and the coffee is getting cold.

How to prepare a chocolate drink:

1. Get a hold of some semi-sweet chocolate bars and chop 'em up.
2. Dump 'em in some bowl, then place the bowl in a pot of boiling boiled water a.k.a. double-boil.
3. Add some kind of preservative into the chocolate and then dilute the mix.
4. Decant into mugs. Add sugar and/or creamer to taste.

1. Buy those packets of Cadbury's Hot Chocolate Drink, and refer to the packaging for further instructions.

Personally, I prefer Van Houten's Soluble Chocolate. They make good chocolate cake ingredients too.

My finals is in four days' time; the first paper is this coming Saturday at 9am. Have I studied?

For once in my life, yes. Now I do have a reason to be disappointed if I failed. Na'uzubillah.

If all goes well, tonight will be the last night I post an entry in a long time; I have this plan, see? It consists of ...plan-y things, and will boil down to whether or not I'm gonna

I haven't slept for three days now; crazier than usual. Anyway, the plan.

Currently I'm spending the night at the Mandarin Oriental (the one with no proper door to the bathroom, which has the most magnificent bathtub in which I ever had a bubble bath), and will be reverting back to proper student life in the morn; which must consist of some more sleep deprivation and bad diet.

And then there'll be the finals this coming weekend, with the absolute last paper to be held on Monday morning. I then must waste no time in packing up my stuff and head down to my aunt's, because on Monday night I'll have to sort out the stuff I'm bringing back home and the ones that must remain behind.

On Tuesday afternoon, I'll be on my flight back HOME.

It is universal truth that Time will simply pass you by, if not try to run you over, when you're having fun. Seeing as the four-week holiday will be all about fun, I'm not even going to bother with the timeline. What's important is the list of things I'm gonna spend that four weeks doing:

1. Exploit my Sutera Harbour membership to its furthest extent, because it expires on my 21st birthday, which is this July.

2. Make full use of PaintToolSAI and Photoshop; draw as much as possible.

3. Actually bake cakes this time.

4. Pay my sleep debts. As much as can be helped.

5. Try playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. Try finishing it if I like it.

6. Movie marathon. I mean seriously, the TV and blu-rays Dad bought could all sum up to all the time in the World. They're not there as decorations. D:

7. (I just like the number 7; there really isn't any item numbered 7)

Seeing as it's only going to be for four weeks, that should be enough. Maybe even more than enough; I will definitely have chores and shit.

And because ~~this is the last entry for a while~~ I can, I think I'll go on rambling.

I bite more than I can chew sometimes (whatever that means...), and it has gotten me into the worst troubles.

First, I trusted a man. Then he betrayed that trust and I went on to be prejudiced about all men.

Once, I tried to act like all the other kids in the neighbourhood; I went and played outside. It turned out that I'm just not the other kids, I just suck. So now I avoid people as much as can be helped. In real life anyway. This actually have something to do with my first mistake, doesn't it?

I tried skateboarding and fell. I tried being a ninja and fell. I have no other scars on my body; just the one from these two. And the one from the chicken.

Did I ever talked about the chicken? It happened when I tried to be like the other kids in the neighbourhood. And none of it makes sense because it just further proves that I suck. Anyway, the chicken pecked me and tore my upper lip. Incidentally, my sister have the exact same scar (but not from a chicken, it was a potato chips can).

Another mistake was a boy too. He robbed me of my lunch money.

Hurm... The mistakes I make mostly concern boys, aren't they?

The other bite I took but couldn't chew was Amer. I had always known that I can't handle someone who is completely sane and reasonable and caring, but still I risked the try. I first lost hatter because of it and became even more hateful.

I am not insane dammit. I just can't express my thoughts properly.

Wearing hijab turned out to be another thing I did and went on to ruin. I wish I never started. But I did, and now I've ruined it. Because now I only wear it for all the wrong reasons. When I die and be put in my grave, my only companion will be that scary, dark, pungent-smelling figure, the worst nightmare, the darkest desire, and I'll hate it and wishes for it to leave me alone, but it'll comfort me saying, "But we've been pals forever! Do you not remember me? I am all the deeds you've ever done in your life!"

Funny the places your mind travels to in the dead of night when you can't sleep.

Recently, I bit into a particularly delicious fruit; the boy in the red shirt. I mentioned him in the previous post. :P

Alas, it's another bite too big or too sweet for me to handle. Maybe the reason I'm currently considering this long break from the internet is him. I've never known him to be as cute as he is turning out to be. He's just too cute, it's suffocating.

I. must. sleep.

Pretences. Appearances. Reputation.

2011-02-08T13:49:00.001+08:00

The lot of it.

Just like how Lucius Malfoy insists on buying things he cannot actually afford, ...what? Lucius Malfoy?

Hurm... Pills. I remember taking some, I just don't remember how many.

I am going mad from the heat. That must be it.

I have class in under half an hour. I should be off if I want to get lunch. Perhaps I need not bother with lunch; that'll save time and energy. Now, then.

As I am currently too lazy and preoccupied to dig into the archives of this blog for an entry where I introduced a certain boy, in addition to the high chances that that entry does not exist because I had deleted it out of shame or embarrassment, I'll just re-introduce him again.

He will not be named, because... well,

Once again, I forgot what I was about to say. Indeed. I do remember it has something to do with the song "Kiss Me".

Any girl would know the feeling; that insane giddyness, the irrational happiness, that high kind of state of the mind. The one you get when you're a teenager and you are crushing on some boy.

Any girl, but not me. For as long as I can remember, if ever I'm crushing on some boy, I'm always scolding myself for it and regarding it as a weakness. Perhaps it has something to do with my distrustful stand on men in general, perhaps I really am just simply crazy like that, but conclusively, I always think of this feeling as a weakness. Something that will bring you down, something you'll regret and loathe and kill for not ever experiencing again. After all, where do you go from such a high feeling? Down, that's where.

I was 16; many would think that was too old an age to be crushing on some boy. But voila! Que did. She met a boy, who was cool and funny and properly uncaring. You read that right; properly uncaring. It wouldn't make sense to normal people, sentences where "proper" and "uncaring" are mentioned together. But alas, to me, there we have it.

Right. Now I'm definitely just ranting. I'm off. But make no mistake that I will take this matter further. This is "Our Asylum" after all.
____________________________________________________________
Amended at 1654 hours:

Boo-yeah. I got my wireless connection working again. But alas, it has improved none. Still as slow and agitating as it were before it simply died on me. But I got it back now, boo yeah.

And now, I'm listening to Lil' Wayne's "Lollipop" on loop. I mean what the fuck is that? Now that is a far cry from "Kiss Me". What's more, I understand the lyrics to this one better than that sweet one. (You know I'd like to touch your lovely lady lumps~)

Okay. Even now when I've looked over the title time and again, I still can't recall on what exactly I was going to blog about. Damn, it must be this song, messing up my head.

Apparently it's got something to do with a boy. Oh yeah! I think I got it, on the tip of my tongue. Gimme a minute, it'll come back to me.

Putting on a mask, pretending to be someone you're not, because you crave another's approval. You try to impress this boy by hiding all your faults and faking the good qualities you have. I'd say you'd be lucky if you manage to check yourself before it all gets out of hand. Myself, I think I've been lucky. Or not.

Because that's what I did back then, even then, when I was still a kid. I didn't even stop pretending after finishing high school. Entering Institut Sinaran made it worse.

The year was 2009, and I was the only Muslim girl who wears hijab in my class of hundreds. It needn't have mattered as much, but I was under the impression that it did. And I ruined it. Ruined it I did. Everything just fell apart. Kaboom, you know? Like sand. ¬¬

And so here, now. I never actually decided if going out here had brought a change for the better. I expected there would be changes for the worse, of course, so I tried to stay impervious to it, by avoiding people. By being myself; that spiteful, ignorant, depressed, broken person. But still the changes come. And what horrible changes they were too. So horrible in fact, that I sometimes wonder if they're not really changes, but actually who I really am entirely: a pretentious git.

I wouldn't pass up a break from all this, make no mistake. I would like to be a teenage girl who's crushing on some boy again, to be that bubbly cewek who stays awake in the middle of the night thinking about a boy in a red shirt, missing him and wanting to hear his voice, but I can't. I just can't, see? It's just not my element. It's a long gone past. Now I'm older and more ..."mature" than that. What I would really want from a boy could be summarised in most rap songs today; sex and money. Trololol.

Oh, damn, it's this song again. Maybe I should turn the repeat off. But heck, I'm into it now.

She licked me like a lollipop~
Shawty wanna thug
bottles in the club
shawty wanna hump
you know I'd like to touch
your lovely lady lumps

Boy, of course you do. You see, it is actually the entire truth when they say that rappers sing from the heart.

Untitled LV

2011-02-06T02:12:00.000+08:00

I've relapsed back to using "untitled"s I see...

Currently listening to "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None The Richer. What tricky name that is. Apparently it's inspired by C.S. Lewis. Ah, but the song isn't exactly my cup of tea. And yet for some reason it's playing on loop on my laptop. Indeed.

So stayed up so late last Wednesday, I can't currently remember what I was doing then either cause I'm supposed to be asleep now too, and so I ended up waking up quite later than I had intended to. I promised Lya that I'll meet her at KL Sentral roundabout 10am, and I woke up at almost 9am. I was late, apparently.

It turned out later though that I wasn't late. Even after all the panic in showering and pressing my scarf and realising that I hadn't blow dried my hair, Lya was still stuck waiting for the bus back at her place. So I sat there in KL Sentral, reading, even finished half the entire book ("Neverwhere" by Neil Gaiman) and already decided not to bother with my scarf at all and just stuffed it in the back pocket of my bag, and waited. And I waited for over a bloody hour.

When Lya finally arrived, she had a friend with her, and the bus headed for Sunway was, thankfully, already there just waiting for us. Hah.

The outing itself, however, wasn't quite what I had been looking forward to. To tell the truth, I don't know what I had planned for that day except to meet up with Lya. Indeed. Sushi might have been a part of it, but it was still Chinese New Year holiday and the restaurant was closed, so whether or not sushi really was part of the plan, we didn't get any.

We went loitering about and just so happened upon this shop which sold a variety of merchandise that couldn't have come from anywhere else than East Asia. There was this music box machine thing and I was so very sorely tempted to just get two of them. But alas, I didn't think I had any need of them ever, so I didn't.

It was after I sent Lya and her friend off to the bus station (as my cousin had conveniently brought her mum and brother shopping in Sunway) that I actually started shopping. And so another RM200 went gone, poof, into the cash registers of business establishments varied. A little over half that amount went to Elianto. Yes, I spent over RM100 on make-up. Make-up. Can you believe that? GAWD.

I don't even know if I regret it. I kind of relish in the fact that I now own all the important shades of purple, green, silver and red to adorn my eyes with, but still, they could total up to an entire month's worth of proper diet.

I was also on the verge of buying a bottle of hair dye, if only they had the exact shade of crimson I was lusting over. [sigh]

The boy who I was supposed to meet on Saturday decided at the last minute that he might even make it after all. I decided that that actually pissed me off, so I just said "bye".

I also spent many many hours chatting with a boy I had a crush on back in the days when we were young and carefree and all was right in the World. It's his fault I'm listening to this song.

Meh. At least it helps me sleep. It's actually a cute song.

Kiss me, beneath the milky twilight
lead me out on the moonlit floor~~
(something sparkling and shit)
so kiss me~

Yeah. I should just sleep now.

Untitled LIV

2011-02-04T00:22:00.000+08:00

Greetings Earthlings!

As if I'd posted my last entry centuries ago. Hah.

I went to the noticeboards and saw to my horror an announcement posted up there. It declared that this coming holidays, students may not leave any of their belongings in the dorms which was the norm in previous holidays. It was just horrific, I had to clarify with the office. But indeed they're not providing storage like they used last time.

It meant that I had a monumental amount of personal effects upon my person that I needed to cart off to, well, somewhere. And that "somewhere" could only conveniently be my aunt's house, and the only way I was going to manage it was if my cousin would come over to my dorms and help carry my stuff all the way back to her house in Putrajaya. By car, obviously.

So I had to cancel that date with some boy which was going to be on Thursday i.e. today.

I felt bad at first because we'd been talking about finally meeting up after such a long time for some time now. But then I realised I actually felt a lot less heavy with that one item off my agenda. Before I know it, I was already thinking up of excuses to cancel with the other boy, the one I was going to see on Saturday.

As it turned out, I didn't have to. He called me up the other day and said he couldn't make it on Saturday. I was actually quite glad. But then he suggested a different day; and so for the first time in my life, I was thankful for the Finals. Haha! "Oh, no can do; my finals would be too near by the end of this week."

Conclusively, I now have only one outing to see to, and finally I'm actually looking forward to it. For one thing, it should be the only outing for this Chinese New Year, and for another, my date is one cute adorable babe. ;D Check her out! [link]

Now then, let's see... What else? Ah yes, something serious. D:

I mentioned this person at least once before; the boy named Amer who I met and then tried to forget. But recently I found myself talking to him again, and realised that I didn't feel sad, or mad, or happy, or anything I thought I would. Instead, I'm pretty sure I get a little pissed off sometimes, or glad some other times, and there were also times when I realise I actually felt ...happy? No, that's not quite the word.

Godlike, all-pawning, Better Than You and Holier Than Thou kind of feeling. Not that I ever beat him at anything, or said something that should make him feel stupid, no. Just that, ...I don't know. Perhaps I'm just glad that I'm not pretending to be someone else anymore. I'll curse all I want, say whatever I want, and well, do whatever I want.

I seriously need to stop now. I'm supposed to go take a shower, because I need to do an assignment and I ought to be fresh for it; it's the middle of the blooming night.

Untitled LIII

2011-01-30T12:56:00.001+08:00

What do people do when they hang out?

We go to the movies, and then we go grab some food. Then, if I'm out with my girlfriends, we go window-shopping. If I'm out with my cousin, we go actual-shopping. If I'm out with my dad, then we skip the movies and just go eat and actual-shopping. If I'm out with some boy, then I'm just annoyed for the most part. Because boys like to talk ne? "So I broke up with my girlfriend, she's just too much you know, wanting all 100% of my attention," and I'll be like "Exactly why I'm still single."

But for this upcoming CNY hols, I've had to make plans to hang out again. Gone are the days where I get to curl up in my bedroom on a stormy day and cry.

Wait, what the fuck am I talking about?

Me dad's coming to visit again in about three hours now, and I'm supposed to get ready.

Ah, yes, now I remember.

I was going to wait until after I can confirm with my dad that the CNY hols is also his holiday; meaning I don't get to spend that weekend with my dad after all.

But apparently hanging out with people requires very early planning. So I had to confirm with them before today after all.

So that's Thursday with some boy, Friday with my girlfriend (and if we're lucky, another one will be joining us), Saturday with my cousin, who is also some boy, and hopefully Sunday will be mine and mine alone.

Funny how I never hung out with any of my siblings. I imagine hanging out with Hadi will involve some smoking, some vandalism, and hopefully some weed. With Rei, well... ah, yes. Of course we'll want to go to the bookstore and read books for free, and then eat cake, and sushi. With Lina... hurm. Lina doesn't hang out. With either of my older brothers, it'll be on an expedition to climb Mt. Kinabalu! Yee-HAW!

But alas, my brothers are married now, they won't have time to conquer mountains anymore.

Speaking of conquering mountains.

Athirah and I were planning to climb said mountain sometime in August. My mum was all "I don't think Dad will let you, with your scoliosis and all," and Bro Hashim was like, "I don't think you'll make it, with your scoliosis and all," and Athirah was like "we'll train hard starting NOW!" and I was just agreeing with her. But then we checked the calendar and the calendar said, "August this year will coincide with Ramadhan, the fasting month. Nobody is climbing Mt. Kinabalu at this time. Your argument is invalid."

So there goes my big dream. Yes, I've always, always wanted to climb that mountain. The first time I thought of it was during PMR. "After PMR, I'm gonna climb Mt. Kinabalu,"

But then PMR was over and I was sent to a boarding school. And then it was SPM. "After SPM, I'm going to climb Mt. Kinabalu."

SPM came and went, and I was summoned to join the National Service Training Programme (or whatever). I thought "ah, well. Not this holiday then." Then we found out that I had been suffering from scoliosis in the past ten years. Fushus. "I am never going to climb a mountain."

So I went on roller coasters and stuff and thought "fuck scoliosis. I'm climbing that damn mountain whatever other people say."

So scoliosis is not an obstacle anymore. But Time is. Oh, Time. Time, my dear old friend, allow me this one freedom.

Are you now confused as to what is the point of this entry? Let me remind you then; this is "Our Asylum". We're all mad here.

Blah. Anyway I should go sneak out to see my dad now.

Desire

2011-01-26T23:55:00.002+08:00

title of song by AVTechNO! on YouTube.

I have desires. I so desperately wish to be home already. I'm just banging my head on the wall here; what the fuck am I still doing here? Alas, home is where your heart is, no? I don't have my heart anywhere. I don't even have a heart to begin with.

I'm still stuck having to go to the cyber cafe to get internet. Why do I need internet so badly? Well at least it's just internet; it could be worse, you know, drugs or alcohol maybe.

I want to draw~ I want to ~~sing~~ scream my ~~heart~~ lungs out. I want to cry my eyes out. I want to see cranial matter all over the ceiling. I want to see red coppery liquid run down my face.

Those are some scary morbid thoughts, que. Now if you would just keep them to yourself, I'm sure we'll all be grateful.

I'm seeing hatter again. I don't know what to make of it. You're just not the same anymore.

Maybe we're a different hatter now?

You needed to be reeled back. You're losing it again. So I had to come back.

Oh, damn, maybe if I turned the music up some more. Ah yes, that's better.

Chinese New Year is approaching. More exactly, Chinese New Year holiday is coming. :D

I made some plans with some friends for the coming holidays. It'll be the last one before the Finals finally arrive. I couldn't confirm anything with them yet though, cause I have someone else in mind that I want to spend this holiday with.

Secretly, I wish my Dad would be here that time so we could go eat food and I can follow him around and then come back to the hotel and have bubble bath. Too bad it's a public holiday, meaning the chances of him having to come here for work are slim, if not non-existent. I don't know, I just need to see my Dad.

No surprises there actually, not with all these suicidal thought creeping around in your mind; of course you'll want to see your father. I mean, what if you just lose it? Bad, that's what.

Shut the fuck up. Next song.

9, featuring Megurine Luka. She is hardcore. Like who decided that?

You know those last few minutes you spend thinking before bed at night? You're ticking off stuff from your to-do list, or making plans for tomorrow, or perhaps for farther in the future? You make plan A, and then a back-up plan for when that fails.

I can't do those stuff. I somehow lost the ability to. Doomed to forever roam the days in a daze. Or a glass jar. Or with head filled with cotton~~

I think about the sky, the sea, of ill-mannered creatures that lurk the abyss; I think about what could have been, and I refuse to accept what is and what will likely come to be.

Like the ungrateful pathetic piece of emo shit that I am.

You'll find me in random places during the day, in-between classes; I'll be in the empty hall, pacing up and down an abandoned corridor, sitting motionless, unblinking, unthinking in an empty darkened classroom.

Aimless, purposeless, terrified and anxious.

But never insane. No, I'll be fine. I always am.

Untitled LII

2011-01-25T13:42:00.000+08:00

Currently have AVTechNO! opened in two separate tabs; "Desire featuring Hatsune Miku" and "9 featuring Megurine Luka". These are awesomesauce these are.

It's also that time of the month for me, so I'm in utter pain. But internets exist, so it's all good.

I went to this forum last night, "Dari Mata Turun ke Hati", about social interactions and all that rot. It was awesome. The panel was great, and the title really worked; excellent turnout for once. Haha! Not to mention I was there. I, the hermit.

I never really had much questions on the matter, but some people present last night had some ridiculous questions. Alas, it didn't make enough sense to me, so I cannot find it to divulge the matter any further.

I really do like these songs. They make me wanna dance.

I went to my aunt's last weekend, where the internet was awesomest. Aunt Sarimah was in town, so we went out together.

But I already made plans with Rauf for Saturday, so I had to go see him before I roam around town with my darling aunts.

And as I sit there, once again listening to his ramblings, I found myself asking, again, "why do I put up with this?" I mean, I realise that his mere presence annoys me to a great degree, and yet I still take the trouble of asking him out. Why? Why?

I don't even like the guy. I don't even hate him. I mean, he's just there, existing. Why does that bother me?

Oh shit. I think I remember why. Rauf is one of the few people who knows some of my secrets. Yes... Maybe I'm actually wishing for him to forget everything I said, or just die.

que, that was uncalled for.

Alas, I have class in half an hour or less. I must leave now.

Untitled LI

2011-01-16T23:54:00.000+08:00

I don't understand it when a salesperson acts all pissy and shit when they attend to customers. I thought they were paid for the service? It's not like I was destroying the neat piles of clothes, I only wanted one size down! Oh, yeah, I might have just taken their word for it, that there was no smaller size for that particular one, but when you tell me it with that annoyingly annoyed face, I simply can't.

This place is screwed up. Not just that salesperson, but just about every single one who are employed under whatever kind of service department; waiters, everyone behind a counter, the tender in the cafe at my campus; are all just not up to usual standards customer-service-wise. And I'm not even making any sense here because I really can't make sense of this place at all to begin with.

Ironic, because just the other day I was watching TV and there was this infomercial about what good an idea it is to tour Malaysia, one of the qualities that the Malaysian service is supposedly famous for being "ramah dan mesra". But look here, in the past year I've been here, I've only been treated with nothing short of contempt. Maybe I don't go around a wide circle, maybe people simply tend to mirror other people and me being naturally spiteful had everything to do with it, but what the actual fuck? "The customer is always right" is like The Zeroth Law in this area; everything else are supposed to fall under that.

Speaking of Zeroth Law, my Physics lecturer said something really funny about. Ah, but I am hard pressed for time, so I will simply leave here just now. Haha!

The 167th Post: I Can't Be Sane

2011-01-09T04:43:00.000+08:00

I put the "mental" in "temperamental".

Currently listening to "Cinta Sempurna" by Yuna. Yes, que is listening to a Malay song. That must mean I'm twice as mad as I usually am.

Check out the song though; just search for "yuna cinta sempurna" on YouTube. There is no proper HQ version, so you need not go searching in vain for it and just go ahead and settle with any one of the search results. "Cinta Sempurna" translates to "Perfect Love", and the song is about how she is so very burdened by the perfect love this someone is dedicating to her, and she's just asking for some sort of release. It is a sweetly depressing song, maybe that's why I even listened to it even though it is Malay.

Well, partly. On the whole, it's because Yuna really is a talented singer/songwriter.

Did you expect me to now begin establishing the point of this post? If yes, then go ahead and leave this page, because "Our Asylum" never has anything to point out. It's a long-winded, endless trail of irrational ramblings pointlessly posted by equally useless authors.

Now then, I shall begin.

It is 20 to 3 in the morning, and I'm still desperately savouring this, what might be the last time I'm getting any kind of decent internet connection. I'm currently at my aunt's, see, and the wireless here is ten-fold better than the one I'm stuck with in campus. In a few hours, I must leave for the dorms, and part with this joyous WiFi. I likely will not return any time soon, because of this Mentor-Mentee programme I had to take up. Sheesh.

My grandmother is also here, and just now she did something, for lack of better words, quite adorable.

She found this little hand-towel lying around in the livingroom, picked it up and took it with her to kitchen to ask me, "Anis, is this yours?"

I said, "No," because it wasn't mine.

Then she went back out to the livingroom and asked my uncle, "Does this belong to Anis?"

Haha. Hahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

No, really, I think it's kind of cute. Old people can be so adorable, no?

Grandma did lots of equally cute things before.

Once, we were in the car, and she decided to make a call. So she took out her cell. But then at that exact instance, she received a call. So she picked it up and said "Hello? Who is this?... Oh, I'm sorry, lol, apparently I dialled the wrong number," and she hung up on them. Hahahahaha!

It was two minutes later when everybody's laugh died down enough to explain to her what just happened.

I certainly wouldn't mind growing old and start doing cute things like that. But I've always felt that I won't ever grow old, that I'm going to die early.

Sometimes I feel like I would stay young forever; although I think that's just because I'm extremely terrified of Death.

When you lose Will but not Faith, you have everything to be terrified of, I think. Everything including yourself.

I used to just lock myself up in my room as much as I can help it. Soon enough, even that doesn't seem to be safe any more, because your mind, or whatever, has been telling you things, and you finally decide to give in just to make it stop. You go out and buy a box-cutter. Just to make it stop.

It was only going to be another kind of pain; a real one, which effects can actually be seen. But I'm not like you. I have great Faith. I also have no Willpower or sense of self-worth. Or any sense, really.

So I saved myself. Well, pretty much. At least I saved myself from doing the stupidest possible thing. By doing other, different, much less, stupid things. Like stuffing food down my throat. Or frequenting the cinema alone. Or just wandering about aimlessly.

Still, I can't get rid of the thought; the box-cutter in my drawer.

It's a fucking box-cutter. It's for cutting boxes. No shit, Sherlock.

Speaking of Sherlock, I really wish I could own my own telly in the dorms, with BBC on it, so I could watch Sherlock 2010. Maybe obsessing about something else would help, you know.

I think I cold still catch glimpses of him sometimes. Of hatter. I don't even remember his face now. I do remember his hair; those long silvery perfection. And his arms, where the veins show very clearly. Almost like how they do on my own. It won;t take much effort to cut them open even.

I thought I was already off that path. Fushus.

It's hard to tell myself that I don't need to go it alone. It's extremely easy, though, to tell myself that God will always be there for me, that I need only ask of Him. So easy in fact, that I can't bring myself to admit to it, to realise that I want it, to make the effort and make it all better.

When you never look higher than you could see, like I do, you will see Nothing. You will perceive nothing. There isn't anything worthy to go on with. Numb, purposeless, hopeless. Not properly alive. Words fail you. Everything fails you. And you also fail everything. Well, everything that matters anyway. You could still succeed at petty things like "exams" and "studies" and "career". But when those mere things seem enough for the people who care at all about you, then why bother trying to achieve anything greater than that?

Five times a day, every day, we are called on. "Haiyya 'ala As-Sholah, haiyya 'ala Al-Falah". Why do you think it's called "As-Sholah" and "Al-Falah"? Success, it means, "Al-Falah". True Success. Life and After-life.

It hurts that I can't even bring myself to try. It maddens me. Maddens me. Infuriates me. Depresses me. Murders me in a much worse way than actually sucking the Life out of me. Losing your Soul is different from losing your Life.

I don't even know what the fuck happened. Got lost along the way, went astray, bowed down to some cursed desire.

I wish I died then, wish my Creator would have just ended me right there. Instead, He gave me another chance. And another. And another. And I never fail to disappoint. How long before It ends?

At times, my visions cleared. Then I blind myself again, refusing.

It maddens me.

Sweet, they call it. Beautiful.

Lies. What great lies they were.

You know, I think this song was never meant to be sweet at all. More likely, it's just entirely depressing. Whatever, the whole melody is still nice.

So I did found myself going to the cinema alone last Friday. I watched Tron; and I was going to watch it in 3D, if only the 3D show that day would just start early. Fushus.

The most awesomest part was when I realised that the guy was Michael Sheen. I was like, "OH MY FUCKING GOD", and was all mouth and eyes. But then he died, that was a bummer. But he was not one of the good guys, so he needed to die I guess. Meh.

I also bought a pair of shoes, and last Friday was my first time wearing them. And then I bumped into Suelaiy, she was out on a date so we didn't talk long.

Confessions of A Broken Heart

2011-01-06T00:13:00.000+08:00

my mind, heart is broken
no one else but you was going to
understand my way

Not to discourage readers, but I think a fair reminder is in order: your author is insane, and acts in ways most normal people wouldn't.

I use Google Analytics, see. I know some people actually follow my fictitious site. My confession: I so badly wish I receive some comments for the stupid proses I posted there, into which I put way too much effort.

Say something nice, say something neutral, tell me how horrible it was and how you'll exact revenge on me for making you waste that entire 40 minutes or so on reading such pathetic attempts at literature. D:

It's what metafic/fanfic writers live off of: comments/critics/any kind of response to our proses. I did spend about 5 years on the project, with only the thought of seeing the end of it someday to go on with; perhaps if I were to receive a bit of encouragement every now and then, I might not need that long to work on it?

Especially this brat Rei. She is fucking part of the project, and yet! D:

Anyway. The title is just a song by Lindsay Lohan, and as much as she sucks, I really like this song. It inspired me to write the sequel to Stormy Nights. Mind, I'm not going to, not anytime soon anyway. That is to say, my heart can't be broken by simple matters like receiving no response from my seemingly non-existent audience. :P

On another, actually important, note: I'm stuck with this Mentor-Mentee Programme, consequently lost what little free time I used to have. But no matter. It only means no more overnight weekend for me, which further means there will be no need to buy that RM9.50 train ticket to my aunt's. Joy.

I decided to go out this Friday. I don't know what the ruddy Hell for, what I'm going to do, what time I am to leave, or even who I'm going with.

On second thought, I think I'll just go to the movies, alone.

Alas, frequenting the cinema alone is the third on my "list of possible activities to overcome stress", which I posted here not too long ago. But if a reminder is necessary, here we go:
1. Streak
2. Masturbate
3. Frequent the cinema alone.

Streaking is not possible when you have scoliosis and go to an Islamic University, and masturbating is just disgusting in my opinion. So, the cinema it is. Thank God, eh? :D

Untitled L

2011-01-03T20:27:00.000+08:00

Voila! We've finally arrived at the 50th Untitled! Rejoice! Carameldansen!

I arrived yesterday; twas the first time I went straight for the dorms from the airport (I usually stop by my aunt's, and then they'll send me to school). It was not pleasant. Then Mum called by the time I finally reached the dorms, and asked how the trip was. That was when I realise that it was actually the normal way of coming to school from home.

Then I unpacked and found that I've brought more from home than I did from here. That is, I've doubled my total itinerary since I first came here the year before last. Marvellous. I shudder to think how I'm going to manage them when I finally graduate.

Been stuck listening to Vocaloids. Which is extraordinary, because I used to hate them. Well, not exactly, I used to love them when I first heard of them, but then more genius people decided to compose even more epic songs that I soon decided I will not keep up.

I grew out of that particular insanity of course; nobody said I have to keep up with anything to enjoy, it's perfectly fine to just stick to listening to the ones I like, even if they are more than 2 years old. Bleh.

Currently stuck with Meltdown, Sleeping Forest, Secret, ELIS and SPICE!. And of course, Love is War. Oh, always.

I am now going to reminisce about those. I first listened to Meltdown when my sister put it on; it was a Kagamine Rin one, and I don't think I'm even listening to an original version. But meh, what does that matter? Sleeping Forest is what inspired the story of Rouro in the land of Oben. Secret is utter nonsense; I haven't the slightest idea as to what it's really about, but when Rei showed me the video, I was hooked. It was cute in its own way. Just. Damn.

ELIS sets me on edge sometimes. Not the song, just the title. I mean, what is it with people using ALL CAPS in titles etc.? Jeez.

SPICE! is another one with a ridiculously spelled title. But no matter. So I first listened to it in the Kagamine Len version, and I like to think that was the original :P Because this is what made me tolerate Len more; he used to be just this boring bishounen. SPICE! changed my entire idea of him. Ooh la la. Hawt.

Love is War was most awesome when Miku sang it. But then people started making a whole choir of it or something that was when I felt I've had enough. But one day, I stumbled upon a piano cover of it. And thus Abigail "Silversmith" Rutledge was born. Ooh la la. I'm not saying the cover sparked the idea, just that it helped me a lot in developing that particular part.

If you understand nothing so far, let's just say songs give me inspiration. There. Onwards now.

I got a C for Maths 2, which is much lower than I trained myself for. I accept now that it's because God really hates me now; to the point that no amount of effort I put into studying will ever make up for the more important task I'm failing. But look here; I'm still invincible. Joy.

For both Chemistry and Physics, I got an A-, bordering on the lower boundary. Also lower than I had hoped for, but more importantly lower than my Dad expects of me. Happy times.

Haven't caught on yet? There really is a great need for sarcasm font. Scheiße.

But hey, at least I didn't fail, huh? Praise The Almighty.

I boarded my flight yesterday thinking on this single ...thing: the finals are only a little over a month away. Doom, I say. Doom.

But lets go back some more; the holidays.

My to-do list from the week before last was something like this:
1. Finish Chemistry lab report
2. Play Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
3. Watch movies
4. Bake a cake or two
5. Draw a serious fucking piece.

Needless to say, I failed to cross all of them out. Walalala!

So what have I been doing all last week? I tell you. NOTHING. Seriously, Nothing. NOTHING!

Unbelievable, eh? This is me I'm talking about! I'm perfectly capable of doing nothing for any amount of time!.

Well, maybe I really actually do suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder; perhaps one of my other identities had taken over the last week. We will never know. Le gasp!

Okay. I'm done fucking now. My apologies.

I spent the last week watching movies, okay. Muahaha! One in particular became my instant favourite: "Despicable Me". It was cute. It was sweet. It was adorable. Oh shut up, I know you must be thinking, "what 20-year-old in their right mind...?" but look here; was I ever in my right mind? muahaha!

I played Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood for about 20 minutes or so, then I got bored. I'll just go back to it later next month, when I'm done with this semester.

I didn't bake any cakes though, nor draw anything. I didn't draw anything. Anything. D: Just pulling out my hair here.

I watched "Despicable Me" 5 or 6 times I think. And watched "Fight Club" twice. And Harry Potter, the first six movies. And Ocean's Thirteen; mind, if we had the first two installments on Blu-ray, I'd have gone on to watch them too.

Yes, I don't get bored. How else would make it possible for me to have the capability to do absolutely nothing for any given time? Pah!

I read The Magician's Nephew, Prisoner of Azkaban, and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland again too.

Did a bit of sweeping, cooking and sleeping. For the most part, I was the couch potato. Mischief managed. Muahaha!

I think I had something in mind when I wanted to post the 50th Untitled, but now that I'm typing this out, I can't seem to recall on anything of importance. Meh.

I do have a movie I want to watch again but haven't got a chance to. All hail MirrorMask!

"What the Hell have you got on your feet? Is that some kind of sick joke, going around on little rabbit-like animals with every step? That's just... nasty."

"Look! An idiot!"

"Run! Faster! Don't let anything distract you! FOOD!"

"NO! I don't want to be a waiter!"

Seriously; I was 15 or something, the guy was wearing a mask the whole time, and it wasn't even a pretty one, but boy was I crushing on him hard.

"I'm an important person, you see. I have a tower; a wonderful tower it was, tall and grand... [but] We're not talking, we had an argument, you see"

Haha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Valentine: What did you say your name was?
Helena: Helena.
Valentine: Helena. Helen. Helen-nun-nuh... it's a bit drab, isn't it? You know, you should think about changing that. Go for something with a bit of dignity and style, mixed with a bit of romance. Something like... 'Valentine'.
Helena: Why? What's your name?
Valentine: Valentine.

Okay, enough of MirrorMask. This post ends here! Why, that didn't quite lived up to my earlier expectations, but when did I ever managed to do that? Haha!

P/S= I know that "40" can also be written as "XL" in Roman numerals, and that my previous post titles could do with some tidying up, but look here, I'll do whatever the bloody Hell I want, and writing "40" as "XXXX" is not wrong anyway.

Why I Don't Speak Malay

2010-12-21T15:06:00.002+08:00

Actually, I still do, just that I use English more frequently. Far more frequently.

Anyway. Reason 1: My English is better than my Malay. Seriously, when I read Malay articles, I actually need to read the sentences a few times over before they start to make sense to me. Especially since they are formal Malay. An assignment where I have to write in Malay would be my demise. I would need to consult a dictionary more often to manage. Why else would I be in an International University?

Reason 2: My Malay is different from the others whom I need to strike a conversation with. Simply put: I'm Sabahan; I say "aku", not "saye", I say "kao" and not "korang", and I can say "have you eaten?" in a number of ways instead of the more common "y'all dah makan ker?"

Take the sentence "have you eaten?". In my tongue, I would need only three words: "kao" (you) "suda" (already), and "makan" (eat; just "eat", because Malay has no "past or present tense").

Now remember Permutation back during SPM? 3! = 3 x 2 x 1 = 6#

Six ways of asking someone whether they'd already had their meal.
1. "kao suda makan?"
2. "suda makan kao?"
3. "suda kao makan?"
4. "makan kao suda?"
5. "makan suda kao?"
6. "kao makan suda?"

You can jumble up your sentences and still make sense, really.

However, #4, #5 and #6 could either mean "have you eaten?" or "you're seriously eating, now?", depending on the tone you're using, and the time of day you're asking. And if you replace the word "makan" with "jalan" (to leave), then you get six ways of asking "have you left?" and three ways of asking "you're leaving already?".

But saying "aku cinta padamu" actually doesn't quite make as much sense as saying "di mana bha kao ni?" (where the fuck you at?).

Just kidding.

Oh, wow while we're on the subject of Sabahan Malay.

I've always ~~known~~ been prejudiced about the people in the Peninsular; that they still think Sabahan's live in trees and run around half-naked and eat raw food (mind, they're not entirely wrong about the latter), and that the word "bah" is used the same way they use the word ~~"lah"~~ "laarr".

It is not.

We never say "Nama saya Hanisah bah", no.

And when we say "kao tengok bah orang tu", it's more of an encouragement to do something than when you say "u tengok lar orang tu", which sounds like wholly commanding or otherwise challenging (mind you, "challenging" as in verb, not adjective)to me. Actually, almost everything they say sound like telling me "this is how you do it" and "you're doing it wrong". Now that is just depressing.

This place is depressing.

Or, it's really just me. But what does that matter? This is "Our Asylum"! It's supposed to be depressing!

Onwards then.

When I say "how should I know?" in my tongue, I think, it sounds less scathing than when Semenanjung people say it in their tongue. Reminder: perhaps it's just me.

We say it like this, "mana aku tau kao?" (where I know you?). You see, it doesn't mean "where do I know you from?", really, that's how we say "how should I know?".

Here, people say "mane lar aku tau?" (where "lah" I know?). That means "how should I know?", too. And note that the word ~~"lah"~~ "laarr" is used whereas "bah" made no appearance in our version of the sentence.

Further proof that "bah" is not the same as "laarr".

Another one!

A: Do you think this would fit me? [pointing out a tank top that definitely would not fit them]
B: Err... you think?

If I were B and I was speaking in my tongue, I say "kao rasa?"

I have yet to find out how Semenanjung people say it. The only one that come as close is "agak lar." ("agak" would mean "estimate", "guess", and when said this way it just sounds to me like they're saying "it's so fucking obvious, and you still have to ask?"), which really isn't helpful at all. Sure it wasn't your fault that you're friends with stupid people (I suspect it's because you're equals after all), but the reply "agak la" is quickly becoming something one which is said in reply to just about every question that asks for an opinion.

A: How about sushi?
B: You think?

Not getting anywhere are we?

Why I don't speak Malay as much as to be expected: reason number 3: I. plain. suck. You won't understand a word I'm saying.

Pictured above is a comment I almost posted on a picture in facebook. The word "sial" is actually more derogatory than "fuck", because while "fuck" is a word that the media tend to censor when there's obviously no need to any more because of how often it is used in everyday speech by English-speakers worldwide, "sial" is not censored by the media at all, because it never really make a prominent appearance. But I use it a lot.

A: Aku ada tiket utk show tu! (I got my ticket for the show!)
B: Anak sial. (You fucking bastard.)

A: Uina, kucing tu bha! (Oh my God, look at that cat!) [points]
B: Anak sial. (the chubby fucker)

A: Tapi kao suda cakap! (But you promised!)
B: now you're just fucking with me. (Malay version not needed)

Pretty much. Yeah.

That would be all for now I guess.

Not Quite

2010-12-20T17:26:00.000+08:00

I'm beginning to believe in my indecisiveness. Suddenly that 50th untitled seem a faraway destiny. And we were so close already! [sigh]

Anyway, I'm only going to be stuck here for another three days or so. After that, I'll be off like an arrow to my aunt's and then onwards to The Land Below The Wind~~~ HOME.

Sure, I'll only be home for about less than a week, but heck, at least I'm coming home dammit. Carameldansen!

Just now, I've finally finished touching up my fictitious blog :P! :faint:

There really wasn't much to be done, but I'm such a control freak, see? So GLAD that's over.

Today was chemistry lab, and we had to do it in groups this time. I was all for skipping that, but then I checked my lab manual and found that the rest of the experiments will also be done in groups.

I definitely didn't mind dying rather than attending another group assignment.

Nonetheless, I went and did the experiment. I must thank God for the strength He gave me to endure that otherwise unendurable session.

I had the weirdest dream where I was hanging out with this boy. We didn't say a single conversational word to each other but we managed to spend an entire day together without feeling awkward, which would have been normal for normal people in the same situation. But with that boy, it was an actual proper Companionable Silence.

When I woke up, I was sorely tempted to call him up and just say, "Let's hang out!", but then I remembered that I haven't got his number and such a companion can only exist in my head.

Hatter would've been such a companion, if only he was still here and actually exist.

But let's not talk about the dearly departed too much.

Ok fine, that was my fault, I started it.

Anyway. The whole dream inspired an idea in my head. A Draco/Luna fanfic. I've always thought of them as second cousins of some sort.

OH GOD NO, NOT ROMANTICALLY. Just...

Come to think of it, I never imagine any character being romantically involved with each other the same way I regard Draco and Hermione.

Actually, every other character just seem to have the same relationship I share with hatter in my head. Back then.

Okay enough of that, I'm hurting my head.

Love and Hate

2010-12-17T23:57:00.003+08:00

Indeed, after wanting it for sometime, she couldn't quite find the strength to actually post that coveted 50th Untitled. Alas! [shakes head]

Ah well, at least it's titled for once. So. Love and hate.

The thin line between love and hate. Love and hate are really just different shades of the same emotion, aren't they? Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.

The indifference that defines my very being; perhaps it is the reason I still fail to attain that one True Love. My One and Only Creator.

I know, I've always known, always. That the reason I'm spiteful and anguished all the bloody time is because I'm not loving Him like I should. It's all just a ritual. Something I'm just doing, for all the wrong reasons.

To live is to fight, is it not? To be fighting in His Name should be the only Truth, shouldn't it?

If you don't Love, you don't get hurt.

But I do get hurt. Hurt like that I can't explain. Unreasonable at the least.

It's because I also Hate. I strongly feel that I know more Hatred than anyone could.

To Hate Everything is like hating Him, isn't it?

Hence the misery. The ungratefulness. The unjustified Pain.

The yearning for an End.

emo mode: off.

Now then, I was watching Rozen Maiden, this is all Megu's fault. All that talk about dying and shit. I wonder if Suigin Tou finally killed her in the end? Megu would be soO happy. I mean, her dying wish is to die, for Merlin's sake. What the actual fuck?

Say, did I ever tried to define "love" on here? Because I think I'm currently in love. That is, if it is defined as "a high, magnificent feeling and total happiness that one can't even begin to describe".

I am, at the moment, feeling high, magnificent and all-Pawning for the end of the mid-sem. Hohohoho~~~ I've finished exams! ~~for now, that is. There's still the Finals...~~

More importantly; the mid-term HOLIDAY is a'comin! Oh, YES!

The possibilities! The cookies! The video games! The fishies! And if I'm lucky, PUTU!~~~

~~HAPPY CHRISTMAS ALL, HOPE BOXING DAY WILL BE HUGE FOR Y'ALL!~~

"I'll sit on top of you squeezing, till I snap your neck like a popsicle stick" – I should stop listening to this song... --;

Untitled XXXXIX

2010-12-14T10:46:00.000+08:00

We have reached the 49th Untitled.

I am dying, I'm sure of it.

"I can't work, I can't concentrate." - Hermione Granger, HPPA.

I feel exactly the same way.

I want to be home Now. Right NOW.

But I need to sit for the exams first, for which I must study before I do.

But like Hermione said, "can't bloody concentrate".

Okay, so she didn't say it like that, but heck.

I could just bang my head on this desk All Day. And then curl up in my bed All Nightmare Long.

I Hate this place. I Hate Everyone here. I Hate Everything.

And that's just me being myself.

Pathetic, isn't it. Well tell me about it.

What's pissing me off?

Pretty sure I've made that clear; EVERY FUCKING THING IS PISSING ME OFF.

Chemistry was cancelled this morning but I went. Because Nobody told me it was cancelled. Nofuckingbody.

And this morning wasn't the first time either. No... It's happened many, many times already.

And all the class rep had to say when I texted them was "cian.."

What? What the bloody fuck?

Fuck you. Fuck you sideways. Motherfucking bastard.

And as if that wasn't enough.

Mum couldn't keep it a surprise for me, my flight back home on Christmas.

So that's like the biggest thing that's distracting me from studying for the exam.

In addition, Dad bought the new fuckass Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.

God Almighty Knows How So Very Tempted I am to just get myself on a flight and be done with it all.

I don't think I want to go to Physics class, which is in 15 minutes.

I'm So Very Full of HATRED right now.

But I'll be fine. YES I FUCKING WILL, BY THUNDER.

Dear Dad

2010-12-13T22:13:00.001+08:00

I think I can still live even if I don't get handphone. So dad.. if, IF I get nice marks for PMR, I'd greatly appreciate it if you buy me the rest of the Fabula Nova Crystallis series, thank you. IF.

Untitled XXXXVIII

2010-12-13T12:35:00.000+08:00

que is kind of depressed. No surprises there.

Last night I had the most horrible dream. Draco was raped by Harry. It was horrible because I was Draco.

It's like God's punished me for looking up such obscene smut proses.

What, I do that sometimes; it's much more preferable than streaking, masturbating, and frequenting the cinema alone.

On second thought, maybe the cinema would've made a better choice.

But my Dad's forbidden me to go to the cinema again. I don't know who told him that I often head out during the weekends to review the latest movies, but somebody did, and now I'm kind of grounded.

My father is 2000km away from me, yet still he could have the same amount of control over me.

Did I ever tell that he's also forbidden me from drinking milk-carrot juice?

He did, yes. So now I only drink it when I've asked him.

It's just milk-carrot juice for chrissakes.

But I don't dare disobey him.

He also said he didn't like me wearing "selendang", because it looks messy.

I used to wear it because Rauf said he liked me wearing it.

I didn't like wearing it, but he said I looked pretty, so I tried to familiar myself with it.

I regret that. Now I have horrible mismatching outfits. One of these days I'm gonna demand him to belanja me.

Hurm.. I was going to call Dad and asked if I was going out this weekend; the exams will be over by then.

But then I remembered that my line has been barred, I can't even call mum to say "Happy Birthday". But mum wouldn't mind that much I think; birthdays aren't at all a big occasion in our house.

Except Lina's, then we have cakes and shit.

I get cake too of course, but I have to bake it myself. It can be very agitating, but when that perfect batter got into the oven I would never feel more satisfied with my own efforts.

Well, of course I'll be more satisfied with my own efforts if I score the exams and the like.

But baking is awesome, too.

Come to think of it, I haven't baked a single cake since my last birthday. That was months ago.

You see I'm just rambling even more incoherently in this entry. :P

Oh, my, I've veered off terribly far. I was talking about Rauf.

No, I was talking about movies.

Fuck that. I wasn't talking about anything of importance and that's that.

But I've picked out an outfit for this Saturday :P and I'm headed out.

Because I deserve it. You see I've finished answering all the Past Exam Papers. I'm spent. My brain refuses to think any more. I don't know if I'll make it to class this afternoon.

Oh, brother Hashim called last night; he's currently in town for a meeting. He said he was going to come down here and visit me.

I don't know how we're going to manage that if I'm going to be at class when he finishes with the meeting.

Although my brain refuses to think, it is still bigger than most :P and will process thoughts in despite of its refusal to do so.

So I got on to writing up the next installment to "Bedtime Stories" :D

I know writing fanfics needn't be as complicated as I'm doing it, but I just can't help my control freak nature.

I read the books, the same chapters over and over to get my story as parallel to the books as I can get them. I can't help but notice certain inconsistencies on Rowling's part though.

She apparently like to assign the first day of classes to the first day of the week, Monday, and then proceed to go about the timeline a little carelessly. A lot of the dates and schedules just don't seem to agree with each other enough for me.

Yes, I'm overdoing this thing. Why else have I not finished a single paragraph so far? D:

Anyway, this morning I finally decided to Hell with it. I'm just going to go about it the same way most people do; just write it down as I go.

Although I already have a general plot and some sort of rough draft on the whole thing, so I'm going to follow those closely.

Now I'm really just talking nonsense.

But we've reached the 48th Untitled, so all is not lost. :D

Untitled XXXXVII

2010-12-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

Right. When I said I can't seem to wait patiently to reach the 50th untitled, I mean I will not wait patiently. :P

I'm just insane like that.

I didn't get my arse up to the second floor to check on Azyan, heck, I didn't even get my arse off this bloody chair All Day.

Fine, so I did, but only briefly, to attend to my laundries and food etc.

I was going to get Nando's for dinner, but then I thought of how long a walk that would be, so settled with just fried rice and "Daging Masak Halia".

It was most disappointing. The daging didn't taste like masak halia at all. I demand my moneh back!

Today I went on fb to stalk on people, only to find that my favourite victim has gone and deleted his account. Hakim, if ever you read this pathetic blog, know then that I'm looking for you~~ :P

Bleh. I'm just bored.

My aunt, Athirah's mum, called to check on me again (she does more often than my own mother, did I ever say here that it was she who got me oh. wait. yup, I did. Onwards then.) and I forgot to tell her to tell my mum that my line has been barred. D: Mummy I want to call you but I can't, so please call me.

I could try getting a hold of Rei online, but she isn't online as often as she should.

Speaking of which, I was going to check when the PMR results are out.

Nah... Mum will call when it happens.

There was something else, I'm sure...

Things got pretty messed up when hatter left, but at first I thought it was becoming worse. Now I think, it might just be better.

I cried, I cried and cried and cried to my heart's content.

Nowadays, I find it easier to cry.

Remember when I said it pains a lot, not being able to cry?

Imagine such pain gone. Gone.

Along with my dearest hatter, but the pain went with him, too, so...

I don't know what to make of it, but... this is actually okay, right?

Oh motherfucker please don't freak out. Listen to me. Stop thinking. Now.

Right! Now I've only got to type down two more Untitleds, and the third one would be the 50th!

Calm the fuck down, I'm not writing those just now. Maybe tomorrow. Yea.

Untitled XXXXVI

2010-12-11T11:22:00.000+08:00

Here's a 46th "Untitled", the 157th post.

I don't really have anything I want to blog about, but I can't seem to wait to reach the 50th "Untitled". Yeah.

Ah, might as well, now that I'm here. Boredom alert, all.

Maths quiz 2 went better than I thought. I thought I was going to lose my soul while attempting the test, but then I didn't. In fact, my lecturer said my answers were "nearly there", as in apparently I got the gist of it after all.

Chemistry quiz 2 was okay too, I guess.

Physics was okay too. Hah.

Now, I'm facing mid-term exams. Maths II is set this coming Wednesday, and both Physics and Chemistry will be on the 17th. What's no fun about the mid-terms is we would still have classes as usual during it.

But what bothers me so much is how distracted I am right now. I'm supposed to be studying some more, but I can't.

The plot bunnies are everywhere! I've been trying to ignore them, I swear! But one of the green ones showed up and I just had to send that one back to its hole! But now I'm back to trying my hardest to ignore them again, really.

But they're nibbling on my books and are just making disastrous mess everywhere!

Of course it's just all in my head, but obviously I'll need that head to study properly! The fact that none of it is real doesn't change the more solid fact that I can't focus right or even think straight because of it!

Ehem. I'm okay. Maybe if I go and feed myself, they'll disappear, all of them, and everything will be alright.

I am not Mad!!

I'm fine.

But you know what really depresses me? It's that... unlike a certain blog about the life of an otter and the other one about the ramblings of a T-rex, my blog about my madness is not pretend.

But on a desperately happier note, I went to watch Rapunzel yesterday! And for a little over an hour, the plot bunnies left me alone!

But now what's really depressing me again is how many times I've used the word "but" already. Shit.

I should go ask Azyan if she would lend me her textbook. Wait... I think she's gone home for the weekend. Arh.

My phone line has been barred. The whole time I was gathering strength to fight for my stolen pendrive, I've been using the phone most. Calling Rei up and just ranting to her and asking her questions I already knew the answers to.

It's in the past now, yes, but (oh that word again) I'm still suffering from it; I can't contact anyone, not my mum and not even Azyan just to check if she was in! Not even my class rep to confirm whether the replacement is on or not! D:

My ramblings are worse. But I can't quite stop yet.

Earlier this year, last May to be exact, I got to know a boy named Amer. Soon enough, I realised I was infatuated with him. Then things became too confusing for me to handle; I stopped seeing him just like that.

I thought I'd hurt him. I actually felt so good about myself.

Oh, fuck you, I know that's really inhuman of me. Excuse me then, for not being human.

I took desperate measures to get out of the "relationship", namely by blatantly telling him to "get the fuck away from me"; I was the one who was being irrational about it all.

More blurs of events passed, I began thinking that I was regretting it, and was never going to get over him. I was never going to forgive myself.

It was one of my biggest mistakes. Hatter was not pleased.

Hatter left. All I've got now are plot bunnies. Plot bunnies intent on making my life a living Hell.

I still haven't figured out exactly how the end of that "relationship", which never even started, affected me. But it was to the extent where I couldn't even look at a picture of him. Couldn't even look at his name on the screen of my laptop. Couldn't even delete him from my facebook.

Yes, it made me that pathetic.

But the other day, I was glad I didn't delete him from my facebook. :P

You know what they say about facebook, how it makes stalking people quite legal?

I never got the "courage" to stalk him, of course, but the other day I miraculously felt OK about visiting his profile.

It stated there that he was "In a Relationship" now, and what I did when I saw that, surprised even myself.

I smiled, like an idiot. Like I was falling for someone all over again. But, you know, this is very weird, but that's how it felt like. I don't mean I was remembering how I felt about him in the past, no. Just that it was such a happy feeling to know that I didn't make him miserable. You know?

Darn it, I never could explain myself couldn't I?

What made me happy that time was the realisation that I was never glad about hurting him in the first place. I realised I was not all that mean after all.

But you see, now I've made it all about me again, so yeah, I guess I am still a prat. :P

You can't blame for that though. It's hatter's fault for leaving. Now nobody's checking on me regularly anymore.

Holy. fucking. shit. How. dare. I.

My family. Oh my God, My Family!

They came for a visit the other day! All of them! How could I forget?!

Well, all of them excluding our eldest brothers.

So.

Last Saturday, ~~they came here and picked me up~~ I went down to the airport to receive them, and then went on to spend the weekend with them.

On Sunday was the closing ceremony for MAHA cum HPPNK 2010, but I didn't tag along on that one because I had to return to the dorms already.

Last Tuesday was a public holiday, so I went and joined them again on their stay at the hotel :P

We spent the entire day in Genting Highlands. Boo-yeah.

We paid many a thousand ringgit for the All-day Unlimited All Park access tickets, and of course wasted no time in riding everything. EVERYTHING. Even Lina got to join on most of the rides this time, because she's tall enough now :D Boy, was she enjoying that.

But the most awesome of them all has got to be the "Drop".

I don't even know if it's got a proper name, but my brother Hadi was calling it "The Drop", so yea I'll just stick to that.

You see, after riding just about everything else, we climbed further up the park to meet the most awesomest ride there. You sit in it, then it goes up steadily till you're just about puking at the sight of everything down below, then the next thing you know, they just drop you and you'd already left your soul dangling back up there. Seriously, you wouldn't even scream, it was just too horrific.

So we went for another round of that one, and this time I dared put my hands up instead of clinging on for dear life.

It felt awesome. Just, terrific. Terrifyingly terrific. My. God.

Anyway, then we had very few time to spare, because we needed to get the rented car back by 5pm. So we took pictures, and I was so high I demanded Rei to take lots of pictures of myself. You know I usually hate having any picture of me taken, but the adrenaline from the Drop was just. wow. I might have even consented to a gang rape.

Wait, urm, no. Not that.

Oh wow. Remembering that makes me giddy. Look at me, grinning madly.

SO Happy, all of a sudden. lalala~~~

XDD

Merlin's beard, the mere memory of it makes me high, too.

I shall now go get lunch - or brunch, if one may - and then I don't think I'll mind that climb up to Azyan's room just to check if she's in. Hope I'll be lucky and get to borrow her textbook.

Oh, happy times! Tis my sheath, and there rust and let me die~

MAHA 2010 cum HPPNK

2010-11-28T20:28:00.002+08:00

Malaysian Agriculture, Horticulture and Agro-tourism Exhibition 2010 is a bi-annual event, and this year we're holding it together with Hari Peladang, Penternak dan Nelayan Kebangsaan, which is an annual event.

But by "we" I don't mean I had any part in organising it.

My Dad works at the Ministry involved, so he had me tag along with him to the opening ceremony. Which was lucky because I've been cooped up in my dorms (of my own accord, of course) too much.

What happens at the event is like Tamu KPD at a really huge scale.

But if you've never been to a Tamu KPD either...

Think an exhibition of agriculture-based, agriculture-related (and even some pseudo-related) companies (local, nationwide and international alike) which receives 100 000 or more visitors at any one time during it. The event began last Friday and will continue until this week is out.

Find more information on the event yourself. I too lazy. I just give you pictures.

So they had all these things for show, and all this food to give away.

Each state set up their own "pavillion" in which they host their own exhibition; I think I went into Johor's once where I got to see ceramics in the making, and it was fascinating! There were many other local craft, songket, batik-printing, and Kek Lapis Sarawak for instance. I was trying to just take everything in, but there was so much, I think one needed to be there a whole week to see everything. So that's why I didn't really take as many pictures as I should have.

Forgive me; these two are the only pavillions I remembered to take pictures of. For random reasons. Sarawak at the left, Kelantan on the right. (I think that's Kelantan...)

And this be the one single picture I took of said crafts, out of many many others...

And then of course, I remembered to take pictures of bunnies.

Long-haired ~~bunnies~~ bunny.

And turtles. There were baby turtles, too, but they were too cute that I forgot to take pictures.

We weren't allowed to touch these ones, so I remembered to take pictures. hah.



After the mini ones, there was this suspicious-looking lump. Surely enough, it held the biggest of the lot.

Pfft. You can't expect me to forget taking these pictures; this was the single most awesomest thing I'd ever did in my entire mundane life!

This was inside the Sabah Pavillion. It was small, and this second floor was very dim. I only took this picture for the winding staircase, of course.

Boo-yeah. So this weekend was funtimes. Except Yvonne went to Australia already, I'll be missing her a lot, and that's the single sadface part about this weekend.

I also got my pendrive back, after much pain in the arse, but I've got it back, and it's time to forgive and forget.

Hurm... Wait, scratch that.

Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

So I'm Not That Much of a Prick

2010-11-24T23:42:00.000+08:00

Or I am. Whatever.

Greetings all. This is the single most relevant post, although exactly what it's relevant to, there's no knowing it.

Perhaps in so many of my previous entries, I never failed to impress upon readers how big a prat I am; the angst, apathy, baseless hatred for just about everything and everyone.

I have all that, yes, but only here behind the safety of relative anonymity do I unleash them all with as little restraint as I can help. In real life, I really have a lot of self-restraint. And tonight's story, I expect, will tell you enough of the truth of that, of what I'm like in real life.

My father may have stopped trusting his youngest son who have failed him less times than I did, but he still trusts me. When I failed PMR, he sent me off to a better school (and it wasn't his fault that it worked against the intended cause). I then failed SPM, but he still gave me another chance and sent me to a very expensive private college to pursue my studies. I failed that one even worse, and still he gave me yet another chance and got me here in CFS IIUM, not even hesitating to bestow upon me a few privileges to make it here; an expensive laptop, and an equally expensive pendrive.

I may have changed a little for the better since I now take my studies more seriously than ever, and yet somehow I still manage to fail him again. Along with two core courses, I also failed to keep that equally expensive pendrive as safe as I should have. You see, one fine day, I found that the pendrive was missing.

The main object in this post is that pendrive, but I wanted to put this lengthy introduction alongside it just as an attempt to express how important a thing it is. Now that, I believe, I've established that it cost more than money, that it cost my father's trust and my sense of self-worth, I will now begin the story.

I was visiting a friend at their place when I first saw the pendrive again after I had lost it a few months previously; there it was, plugged into the laptop of said friend, a friend I trusted, a friend I felt closer to than some others. I knew for a fact that the laptop was theirs, and I knew the pendrive was in fact mine for reason one: my red-black loop thingy was still tied to it and reason two is a secret weapon; I must not disclose it before I get the pendrive back.

But do you see where I stood now? I had every right to simply pluck it off of that friend, but I couldn't bring myself to because they were my friend. In fact I was so frustrated with myself even though I was not the one at fault!

I thought maybe no one was at fault, so I convinced myself I was seeing things. Which is typical of me, telling myself I'm crazy.

However it is also typical of me to be logical, so I couldn't just left it at that.

I went for a second visit to my friend's place, this time to try and get affirmative answers pertaining to the actual case of that pendrive.

To my horror, I got a really good examination of the thing but still couldn't speak up to ask my friend about it. I sat there beside them watching a movie on the laptop, into which that ever familiar expensive pendrive was still plugged. Seriously, I was sure now, without a doubt, my guts and my bones just screaming out, "OMG THAT IS THE PENDRIVE!" I mean, come on!

Still, I couldn't pluck up the courage to try and set anything right. I left their place night with newfound certainty and restlessness.

Time passed; I actually spent almost three whole weeks wallowing in self-pity for no sane reason. I did not commit any crime, and yet I was in remorse. Why did this happen?

Today, the pressure became too much that I confided the matter in my darling Rei and my best friend Yvonne. After much sighing and moaning and angst and exasperation, they finally succeeded in convincing me to try and get that pendrive back.

I thought and thought and stalled for some more time before finally accepting there was nothing more for it; I need that pendrive back. Oh fuck that, it was mine to begin with!

Because they are my friend, I wanted to do it with as little conflict as need be dealt with. I was primarily thinking, "I get this pendrive back, and then we pretend that this never happened". And the only way I thought I could manage that was by saying as few words as possible.

In a blur, I found myself at their place again tonight. I took some more time making casual conversation (because really, could we please be very casual about this) before I finally really plucked up the courage to say, "Okay. So I'm here to pick up my stuff you borrowed"

"What stuff?"

"My umbrella– " that one first because I felt a little disheartened already.

"Oh, it's in that locker,"

"–and my pendrive." There. I said it. It's done. Or so I thought.

Awkward silence followed, during which we were just staring at each other.

I don't remember what broke the silence, but it was followed by some vague questioning and answering and at some point I began to doubt my purpose. Then they said something that pretty much gave them away, "But I didn't take it..."

More sentences that trailed off into silence later, and finally I really just wanted to get out of there.

They were saying they were going to look for that pendrive because it was not with them at the moment, so I settled with just taking back the less significant umbrella for now.

I was all for leaving the whole thing at that when a struck of sudden something made me turn at the door and say "So I'll come back tomorrow, okay?" sealing the deal. Or whatever. Just anything to assure them that I'm not going to simply let it go. Please re-read from beginning and try to grasp just how terribly important that pendrive is to me.

You see, given que's way, que as in the me inside my head as oppose to the me dealing with real life, I wouldn't even have bothered trying to keep the whole thing from becoming a conflict. que would have come right up to them the first time she noticed the pendrive.

But that potion by Dr. Jekyll never really came to be discovered, so that particularly beastly part of my mind remains a mere part of my mind, never to seize control of the reins.

I just hope this friend of mine realises how much better and convenient it will be for the both of us to simply hand the pendrive back to me. No excuses, explanation, heck, I don't even need an apology.

I just need that pendrive back. Seriously, my dad paid money for it. Money he had to earn.

Untitled XXXXV

2010-11-24T00:34:00.001+08:00

Ooh... Lookit, it's half past midnight.

Soon, I'm going to get myself to bed. Because I need to wake up early, because I've got Maths at 8am. After that, I have the rest of the day off.

So I decided to head out today and have a sort of farewell outing with darling Yvonne; she's headed for Australia by the end of this week. God knows how long it's going to be before we see each other again. All the best to you, Bon-bon!

As for this new look on the blog; I'm still very excited about Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part I movie. So gay and giddy~ Like Ron. Yeah. :P

When my Potter fever die down, the blog will revert to normal. The title only, not the background; I really like this background. Stripey-stripey textur-y prettiness.

Right. I was gonna get some sleep.

"O Allah, please let me wake up early in the morning and I pray for the Principal to be in a very good mood tomorrow so she'll permit me that outing today."

Untitled XXXXIV

2010-11-18T00:38:00.000+08:00

Voila! A 44th Untitled.

I don't remember how much of my M.U.E.T. I've already mentioned in recent posts, but I guess I'll just type as my mind goes. Aight.

So last Saturday was that last parts of M.U.E.T. For the writing test, we got a question that roughly sounds like this:

In an arranged marriage, the parents are the ones who choose the spouse for their child. This practice is still common even in today's society. Discuss.

Well it didn't exactly went like that, but the word "discuss" was my demise. What does the command "discuss" wants from me? I was sorely tempted to raise my hand and demand a definition for the instruction "discuss", but decided against it.

Yes, I was paranoid.

Do I need to state my stand in the subject? I'd rather not, I simply hate having to make opinionated responses, not that I can make a better one than that, but bottom-line, I sort of freaked out in the hall.

That was how I ended up stating a neutral stand in the matter in the introductory paragraph, and then went on to imply that I'm suddenly against it in the conclusion. God, I hope I was vague. [headdesk]

But matters of arranged marriages didn't leave me there.

I always knew that I'm single but unavailable for urm... family reasons... or whatever. But it always felt like I'm single and unavailable as in I can do whatever the bloody Hell I want.

Silly me. Arranged marriage is actually common in my family and yet I dared dream.

Anyway. It was today, or technically yesterday, that I got something akin to a slap in the face.

Apparently I'm single and unavailable not strictly because I can and want to do whatever the bloody Hell I want.

I don't fucking want to admit it.

There.

I wonder now if that particular essay I had to write was some sort of sign.

I know the guy, okay. Sheesh. He won't be a total stranger.

I'll be the total stranger.

Let's just say I had a mini crush on him back in younger days, but he never noticed my existence. Something like that, yeah.

Until a few months back. We started corresponding.

Dude's studying abroad.

I hope he finds someone he likes there. Yeah.

I'm not saying I'm against arranged marriages, I just... Yeah.

I just wanna finish studying, get a job, make lots of money, buy my own establishment, make more money, buy lots of books, read them all, make more money, visit places, maybe even move out of the country for a while, I don't know.

I just didn't have marriage or even boyfriend in my list to begin with.

Gawd.

This will all go away. Yes.

I'm fine.

Aiyo

2010-11-17T16:23:00.002+08:00

See? I told you I'd update :D Except, I still don't have anything to say... as always... Well let's see, for the first time of my life I'm not looking forward to the holidays. I'm currently feeling other things too like preferring not to be home, locking myself up in the room because I hate everything in this whole world (i haven't done this, i just had the feeling to), constantly thinking that the people I call 'friends' are not friends at all, wonder why everyone in this house can't seem to wash their own plates and clean their own rooms, why mom only shut up when i cry and not asking anything when i don't, why Lina grew up to be so ignorant and annoying, and oh blah blah. My hormones must be unstable, the other day I was worrying why Creed didn't say anything since she got to school and when she started talking I wanted her to shut up. Haaa..... Yes, I'm unstable, I should rest O_o Don't worry, I vow to put a stop to this stupidity.

Sam & Friends is now at Volume 6, I started a shoujo manga and it's now in Chapter 2 (that's half a 120 page book). I can't start colouring anything because dad seems to always be around, it's highly suspicious. My characters in Sengoku Basara are almost done. I re-started Final Fantasy XIII for the third time. I had a dream where I was this schoolmate named xxxxx (who's a prefect, by the way) and I was escaping from school.

Now... what? Maybe I should tell my first 'escaping from school' experience.

Yes, this was rather recent, turned out we had another two days of school before the end-term holidays. I begged mom to not let me go to school on Monday, because we will only (as Teacher Lim said) tanam pokok for I don't know what. I promised her I would come on the second day, so she had to agree. Then Bella texted me that night saying they wanted to make a new record 'one class missing', meaning no one in my class will come that next day. I told mom, she was absolute. So I packed my little pillow and a comb, for me to sleep in the surau without tudung seeing as there's no use staying in the class alone, I'd look like an idiot. But voila! Some bersemangat classmates came, including Finny and Haxea (Finny came so that her father would give her pocket money, she seems to be in desperate need of it). And we sat in the class, doing nothing, but I at least had a comic to draw in, Haxea and Finny just had to snap.
"AGGH!! Sam, let's get outta here!!"
"No."
"C'mon! We'll go to Rohayu!!"
"Boring."
"Karamunsing???"
"......"
"that's too far man"
walalalwalalwa
"If we go to MUIS, can we go up the bumbung?"
"YEA, WATEVER LETS GO"
and we went through the longkang, which was the only way out when the pagars are unavailable. It was horrid. Finny, in her green uniform and a handphone in her hand, was always in the lead. Even the other escapees were surprised a prefect would do that. And Haxea and me, with our badges and nametags sewed on our tudungs that show perfectly well, can no longer ignore the boredom. MUIS was boring though.

Happy Eid Al-Adha 1431H

2010-11-17T02:04:00.002+08:00

So for Eid Al-Adha this year, we get two days off from school. Haha! That's Wednesday and Thursday. But since I don't have any class on Fridays, I get the rest of the week off!

I am currently at my aunt's in Putrajaya again. For Eid, we're just gonna head down to the mosque in the morn and then eat lots of food. My aunt was making some rendang when I arrived late this afternoon.

Then I called mum and had "casual" conversation but she was busy preparing for tomorrow's non-existent festivities so we didn't talk long. I did got the monkey Lina on the phone to ask how she did for her recent UPSR (a national exam for 12-year-olds) even though I already know how she did. Surprisingly enough, she scored her Penulisan test (writing). It makes me wonder if she and I are really more alike than I would have thought; does she, too, have less problem expressing herself in written words than she does in spoken words?

But I wasn't like her when I was a child. The monkey would spend hours on end sputtering nonsense at her elder sisters whereas I used to keep to myself more than any other children.

Hah. Even now, now that we've come to that. But anyway, Eid.

Eid Al-Adha used to mean watching the slaughter and skinning and then eating the meat when the adults are finally done. There was takbir the night before; my father and brothers would have joined the mosque and mum would be in the kitchen. And then come Eid itself and we feed the whole village. I liked watching the headless chickens running in circles round the backyard, too.

But that was then. Once upon an innocent time. Or something like that.

When the takbir started tonight, I was on the phone with my mum who was in the kitchen some 2000km across the sea. It is saddening. But I don't know which saddens me more; that Eid is supposed to be like it used to, or that this particular Eid isn't what Eid used to be. Because if Eid was never like it was in the past to begin with, this moment today now won't be so nostalgic and whatnot. On the other hand, if that was the case, it wouldn't be special and hence there won't be anything to remember by.

I'll give you one word: saudade.

I do have one thing to look forward to this holiday: the next Harry Potter movie. It premiers in Malaysia today, actually, but today is Eid so no way am I going to the premier. However, I did bought the tickets for tomorrow's first show.

Wish me luck, and Happy Eid, everyone!

Through Shadows, To The Edge of Night

2010-11-12T15:03:00.000+08:00

Pippin's song playing in my head~~~

Home is behind
the World ahead
and there are
many paths to tread

through shadows
to the edge of night
until the stars
are all alight

mist and shadow
cloud and shade

all shall fade
all shall fade

I'm so sorry, I know I've typed down that whole thing before, too.

During Maths the other day, one of the brothers (oh, we call boys brothers here and girls sisters) said something that set our lecturer off to a motivational talk of sorts. I suspect he said something along the lines of "it's so bloody difficult!"

Anyway the lecturer started talking about "being grateful with what you're given" and such and went on to recite a personal experience from which she learned the true meaning of "being grateful" and "perseverance".

It was all very well and inspiring, of course. I understand just exactly how difficult this whole studying can be, being a student myself, and I understand, too, I guess, that we all end up figuring it out anyway in the end if we try hard enough, and we just tend to forget about it sometimes. But that day during that little talk, I remembered again.

I remembered what really makes studying very hard for me. I mean, apart from it being difficult in itself.

It's willpower. Or rather, the lack of it. Do I care, really, about getting that scroll by the end of this all and making my father's dreams come true?

It's a horrible realisation; I have nothing in store for my future and I don't even think I could bring myself to care no matter how hard try.

So, it is a very good thing that I tend to forget this, too, while I busy myself with trying to solve questions, opinionated or otherwise. (Alas, the former is more of a problem than the latter).

It's good that we forget sometimes. Cause then it's like keeping the bad thoughts away. I just wish to be spared from such motivational talks in the future because all it does is demotivate me.

In other news, I wish to call home. It's so easy; just pick up the bloody phone, press 5, and then the green button.

But I can't seem to make that move. I can't seem to do anything. I need to read something for the test tomorrow, get my brain working, but can't.

I just want to cry~~~ Didn't I always said that not crying is actually more painful than physical hurt? It pains! I start thinking about hurting myself. But I mustn't. And the reason for which seem so far away, non-existent even.

Fuck it. Imma go stuff my face.

Trace The Shadow of Truth in The Dark

2010-11-09T00:40:00.001+08:00

A distant wish upon the moon of the fifteenth night
Under the shadows of tall trees

My dear love's vestige
bringing back nostalgic memories
carried by calm winds

Flowers of love budding under the moonlight
white waves and sounds of the shami carried over the oceans

flowing deeply, colouring the night sky
the beauty of the stars in the heavens

~Spring~

Nice songs in my head~~~ Good omens for the new semester? Mayhaps.

I've finally confirmed it; three subjects this semester, namely Physics (repeat), Chemistry (repeat) and Mathematics II.

Repeating Physics makes me hate myself all the more. Because I think my previous lecturer is better than my current one, and yet I still managed to fail. But yeah, I remember it all to clearly why; I got lazy towards the Final.

Repeating Chemistry, on the other hand, feel like a blessing. I missed the first class last Monday, but apparently they had it in the lab where they were just familiarising with the apparatus etc. So I attended my first Chemistry class the day after. The first thing the lecturer talked about was how she didn't like it when kids call each other names other than their proper ones. I knew in that instant that I am going to enjoy her class very much. Finally, someone who agrees with me that proper names aren't at all a trouble to address people by!

Mathematics was almost nightmare. It turned out that they've been having the classes even throughout the Add and Drop Session i.e. the first week of semester during which my existence was yet acknowledged by the school authorities. So I apparently missed the first six hours. To my horror, that was the week they covered the basics to all we're going to be doing for the rest of this semester.

But as I sit there trying out the questions and forcing my rusty brain to think, I realised that I already have the basics vaguely latched onto some part of my brain. I returned to my dorm later and pulled out three dusty tomes from my bookshelf. Voila! Le Magnefique Realisasionn! I was already studying the intermediate levels of the syllabus we're currently having back during A-levels. What we're doing is just studying the basics more thoroughly.

Problem being I have apparently put most of the intermediate knowledge out of my mind. I now have not the slightest idea as to how these basics one a properly done.

That aside.

The remaining three papers I have to sit for M.U.E.T. is set this Saturday. The only difficulty there is, well, everything. I have this feeling that one won't survive the writing part without ample knowledge on current events and general knowledge. I don't have general knowledge! I don't even have a proper personal opinion!

My only hope is my tendency to rant and make little to no sense at all while I'm at it. If ya can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense. Yup, my one last hope. I'm screwed. aren't I?

The highlight of this month is of course going to be the premier of the seventh installment to the Harry Potter movie series!!! OHMYGOD IMSOEXCITED!!! You may find me grinning like an idiot and prancing around the school and generally acting giddy and spreading diseases everywhere next week! Lalalalaala~~~~~~~

SO GAY. SO HAPPY. SO... I dunno whatever else that fits.

The plan is to stay up and book tickets for the show for three consecutive days and try to attend one of them with my darling Yvonne~

I'm going to cry my eyes out during the movie, I'm sure. OHMYGOD.

Time, O Dearest One, Slow Down whydoncha?

2010-11-04T03:13:00.000+08:00

Oh, man... It's three in the bloody morning. Why? WHY DAMMIT?

Anyway, I just stumbled upon something that made me feel... I dunno. Like a little less indifferent.

My roomie still has the light on, so I'm stuck on the laptop class in the morn laundry not ffinish yet I'm doomed, doomed I say!

Now, that something.

The year was 2004, I was a Form 2 in the afternoon session of my school and was sharing my desk with an older student in Form 4 of the morning session. We used to exchange notes via the drawer. I lied to him about my name, told him it was "Alan", which gives the idea of me being male. We talked about mutual acquaintances, pretty ones, and well I was still experimenting then and this one girl was really pretty

Wait, hold up. I'm veering off the original direction.

I haven't heard from him in years, never even told him that I was really a quasi-lesbian, and just now I found him on facebook and I was like... like...

I mean, what did you say to each other after something like that?

Oh, nope. Wait. Got it. Don't say anything. He doesn't know me now, he never even knew me then. It was Alan to him.

What have I done to myself? Assuming all these confused identities?? Why must

Oh, thank God, my roomie finally turned off her study light. I'm off to bed.

The Add and Drop Session

2010-10-27T15:48:00.001+08:00

Is frustrating. I've been here three days now, and yet have not registered for any course. God only knows how much I'm missing out on. Damn it.

I failed Physics and Chemistry. I must repeat them this semester. But the reason I still cannot attend class is this; I cannot submit an incomplete Add/Drop Form, which I can't complete because the Islamic Revealed Knowledge Department still cannot release their part of the class schedule, which I must know in order to add this one last subject into my form, which I must add because my Advisor says I must, which I suspect is because she don't want to let me just take the petty subject during the short semester.

I can take whatever damn subject I want to take, come on! [sigh] As much as I want to protest, I feel it wouldn't be prudent. I did just FAILED TWO CORE SUBJECTS.

But what about that short semester during which I took three subjects and scored them all? THAT ONE. I can handle two subjects, argh. But NO...

Let me try to explain just how frustrated I am.

(Oh wow Eminem's playing, Cleaning Out My Closet, and he just said "you selfish bitch, I hope you fucking burn in Hell for this shit" O.O)

Anyway.

Having failed those two subjects, I now have five remaining subjects to take; Chemistry I, Chemistry II, Physics I, Maths II and Religion in Malaysia. As I cannot take Chemistry II before I actually finish Chemistry I, I have no choice but to extend to the short semester. Consequently, I thought I might as well balance out the number of subjects I'm taking per semester. That is, I planned to repeat the subjects I failed this semester together with Maths II, which leaves Chemistry II and RIM for the short semester. I think it's a good plan. I mean, taking Maths II together with those subjects I already have a vague idea about should make it less difficult than if I were taking them for the first time. And then two subjects for the short semester is actually quite appealing.

My Advisor thinks otherwise. That I cannot take any other subject together with Chemistry II for the short semester. Well I don't see how I'm going to survive taking four subjects altogether either. After all, I've just failed two out of the four subjects people forced me to take. There.

They hardly ever offer Chemistry II courses for short semesters anyway, I might have to wait for the next long semester!

But. FINE. Fine. I'll just sit here and not attend class and miss out on I shudder to think what it might be. FUCKING FINE.

Casa Dolce Casa

2010-10-17T01:38:00.000+08:00

I confess, I have no idea what that means, although I think it's Italian for "Home Sweet Home". I just stole it from Assassin's Creed II, Uncle Mario said that.

Anyway, I'm home, and we've just finished watching "The Ghost Writer". I usually post my own "reviews" on movies/games etc. here, but currently I'm not in the mood for it. I just have this random feeling to just blog. Pointless rambles ahead; you've been warned.

I did not want Ewan to die :(( That was so sad. I wanted him to go out there and get the story out, his own version of the biography or whatnot, a "proper" writer, finally. But no... he had to get hit by a bloody car.

Yes, I have a crush on him, too. Meh. What? He's CUTE. Didn't you see him in "Moulin Rouge!"? Swoon!

On another note!

I think it would be extremely cool to go around introducing myself as such: "I'm your ghost." and "I'm his ghost." Sure, you don't get credited for the book you wrote, but you make lots of money and go around telling people you're "a ghost". It's like the perfect job for me! Oh my, the idea of it!

And damn, was he one gorgeous ghost.

Enough of that now.

Moving on then. I'm still stuck listening to Eminem's "Space Bound". (Oh, haha, that contradicts the first sentence) I also spent way too much time contemplating Schrödinger's cat. I still haven't figured it out. I mean, is the cat alive or is it dead? Really, how the bloody Hell can it be both alive and dead? After much throbbing in the head, I finally decided to just drop it.

I'm trying, I really am, but I'm just so lost right now and I'm pretty sure that my skull is currently entirely filled with cotton. I have thoughts of re-writing "Sam's Adventures Underground", continue "Bedtime Stories" and draw something for "Stormy Nights". But when I sit down and take a piece of paper and a pencil, I couldn't quite start. In fact the only "work" I managed to get done is that bit of editing on the first chapter of "Bedtime Stories" and a sketch of a pair of chibis. CHIBIS, can you believe that? Merlin.

Salazar fucking Slytherin! My Speaking Test! Motherfu-

Oh, where do I even begin? Ah, this will do; I could've done better if only I kept myself together. But I didn't, so it kinda went worse than I'd hoped. I just hope I didn't fail. Shit...

Hurm...

I haven't seen hatter lately. He left, I think. I never truly expected him to stick around (trust issues, haha) but at the same time, I kinda hoped he would. But alas, here I sit, alone. Absolutely alone this time. I still have Theodore, and even though I can pretend that Theodore replies to my every remark, I refuse to. Hatter was right anyway, I can't keep pretending.

Merlin, I really am insane. But maybe that's just the lack of sleep. Or PMS. Meh.

I'll sit on top of you, squeezing
till I snap your neck like a popsicle stick.

This guy has some really morbid idea about loving someone. Hell. But he's Eminem, so excuse him. Hah.

The 145th Post: I am Desperately Sane

2010-10-13T22:46:00.001+08:00

I'm not faring very well. Not since long, not at all.

I had reasons once, I'm sure. I kept running out of them, but I always managed to think up of one to succeed the ones I lost grasp on. But alas, now I am all out of reasons. Not even one reason left to stay here; to keep doing this, to go on living.

Of course, I figured out a way to deal that, I always do, and that is to live without reason. Brilliant, isn't it? It's the most obvious conclusion to come to at this rate, but amazingly I'm the first one to reach it after admitting defeat and giving up! I mean, everybody else had gone on to commit suicide. Whereas I'm still here. I sit here, relishing in the stillness in the air, the silence that ring throughout, the long-awaited solitary and darkness. And I must admit I quite like it. I wouldn't dare imagine, what's more to wish for, an entire lifetime spent in this state; void of all signs of life, actual life.

Admittedly, to live without reason is a rather depressing solution, but what's even more depressing is that everybody wants to go to Heaven although nobody wants to die. Well, I don't want to die. I intend to outlive my parents. I will not let them suffer my death.

So I gave up entirely, started living the days without reason, without a goal to achieve, without dreams of my own to realise. It's rather difficult to do, and the whole idea of living without reason soon extended to affect the littlest things, the smallest decisions. Like insisting on having the teabag removed from my cup of boiled water exactly two minutes into infusion. And hating on people for talking to me when I'm not in the mood – which, incidentally, is about all the bloody time.

At any rate, I definitely hope not to die any time soon, and to live long enough, at least, until I find a stronger, more believable reason to live and love again.

Oh, love, is it? Well, anyone reading this might think I'm a pathetic girl who recently got rejected by some boy who wasn't in her league to begin with. Well!

I shamelessly admit that if you're thinking that, you are right. But only on the first count, the one where I'm a pathetic girl. Yes, I'm a pathetic girl. I must disappoint though to deny that I recently got rejected by some boy who wasn't in my league to begin with. No, I deny that I was ever rejected by any boy, period. Oh, never mind that, I've never even seriously tried the whole "coupling" thing.

When I say "love", I don't mean the kind of love most kids feel the need to share with each other these days, no. I mean love.

The kind of love that one seeks and never gives up the search on the mere basis of belief. You know, you just believe in it, and you see it, and you feel it. Like any other love, you'd forget about it sometimes, but during each of the times that you don't, it feels stronger, it steels you, strengthens you like no other thing ever would. The kind of love you'd want to constantly remind yourself of, and try to channel it through into everything else that you do. The kind of love that will never give up on you even if you forgot about it sometimes, even if you forgot about it all the time. The kind of love that will always be there for you, guiding you, teaching you, forgiving you.

It just sounds too pure and faraway for me. I feel it sometimes, just the faintest trail of it. I still don't know how it would really feel like, but it seems to me that it's unbearable. Like it'll be too much for me. It must be too much for a lot of people, because I don't see many of us striving hard enough to attain this love. We settle for the lesser one, the less rewarding one, the one with finer promises to offer, the easier one to get.

I'm just talking about God's love in contrast to the more common love for the mortal world...

But now my back really hurts and my spine feels like it's about to collapse under the weight of my big head and broad shoulders soon, so I need to take my retreat.

Damn, that could've been one emo entry.

What More Can I Say?

2010-09-25T21:05:00.000+08:00

you fell away, what more can I say?
the feelings evolved, I won't let it out
I can't replace your screaming face
feeling the sickness inside

why won't you die?
your blood in mine
we'll be fine
then your body will be mine

so many words, can't describe my face
this feeling's evolved, so soon to break out
I can't relate to a happy state
feeling the blood runs inside

why is everything so fucking hard for me?
keep me down to what you think I should be
must you tempt me and provoke the ministry?
keep on trying, I'm not dying so easily

Believe me you, this is not a depressed entry.

In fact, I am genuinely happy.

Chemistry paper ended a few hours ago, that leaves me with only one more paper to sit for.

Needless to say, I'm ecstatic.

Haha! No, I'm not being sarcastic here either!

I don't know why, but when I feel euphoric, I tend to look up songs that basically says "I own you"/"I run this shit"/"I. am. God." YEAH.

What is this godlike feeling? I'm sure I didn't do all that well - not at all, really - for the last papers, but what is this diabolic indifference?

I feel like I'm ~~Jesus bloody Christ~~ Salazar fucking Slytherin.

Maybe I'm going to die in my sleep tonight?

Anyway. Apart from the exams approaching their ~~definite~~ end, my father is coming to visit tomorrow, and he's bringing my laptop with him. My newly re-formatted laptop. Ah... At long last.

I'm also going to spend tomorrow night with him, because I have nothing on my schedule for Monday.

I don't have permission, but ~~I say I don't need any~~ it's not that much trouble. I mean, I'm going to meet up with my father, not just any random distant relative, he's my father. Yeah.

Your Heart's The Moon

2010-09-21T22:36:00.000+08:00

Obviously, I'm still stuck listening to Eminem's "Space Bound". Not that that's a bad thing, in fact it's very good thing, because it's still stopping me from jumping out the window for real. For serious.

See, one would think I'd have learned a sound lesson from the nightmare I had just yesterday afternoon. The one where I missed Arabic final? That one.

This morning, that dream almost came true. Fuck My Life.

THANK ALLAH THE ALMIGHTY GOD, I still have KAKAI. Praise The Almighty!

So I was asleep, and then Kakai woke me up, "Anis, didn't you have a paper today?"

See, up until this morning, Arabic paper doesn't start until 2.30pm today, as far as I was concerned. And it was also to be held in the AMF Hall.

I was wrong on both points.

So not only was I half an hour late, I also got the venue wrong. Seriously, Fuck my Life.

Ustaz Zahari, bless him, took up the trouble of settling me into one of the venues (which I knew wasn't where I was supposed to be either way; late or not, barred or otherwise.) and I was all too tempted to just tell him, "Sir, if I'm breaking the law here, maybe I deserve having to repeat the entire course next semester? Cause you know breaking the law is bad juju." Not to mention it was all entirely my fault.

But I decided against it because breaking the law appeals to me more than repeating the entire course next semester. I mean, if anything, I'll be repeating Physics next semester, there won't be any room in my schedule for Arabic (or disaster).

So I'm currently stuck in emo phase and hopefully I'll be over it after a good night's sleep (and listening to Space Bound on loop for hours) so that I could continue with my Physics revisions.

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon
and I'm aimin' right at you, right at you,
250 000 miles on a clear night in June,
and I'm so lost without you, without you, without you...

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
but it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
it's lust, it's torturous; you must be a sorceress
cause you just did the impossible; gained my trust

don't play games, it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over
cause if I get perved, Imma show what it's like to hurt
cause I've been treated like dirt before ya
and love is evol; spell it backwards, I'll show ya.

I'm SO in love with this song.

And Love is Evil; Spell it Backwards, I'll Show You

2010-09-20T22:35:00.000+08:00

Yup, been listening to Eminem's "Space Bound" on loop all week. I know it's "evol" and not "evil", but it's called a play on words and I'm putting it up as a bloody title. Not to mention this is my bloody own blog. Okay, so I share this blog with my darling Rei, but when's the last time she posted?

I was hoping to get my laptop re-formatted during the hols, so I brought it home with me.

I was also planning to spend a decent amount of time to revising for the exams, so I brought my heavy textbooks with me.

As you might have already guessed, I was not successful with both those plans.

I did a bit of revision, of course, because I'm terrified of failing. But then it was time to celebrate, so my revisions were cut alarmingly short. But yeah, it was a good thing I brought my textbooks with me, otherwise I wouldn't even remember that I'm a student.

As for my laptop, I did got it re-formatted. At the very last minute. So last minute in fact, that I had to leave it back in kk for the time being. So here I am, blogging from the campus cyber cafe. Sad, isn't it?

What's worse, I left my dorm room keys in the laptop bag. Fuck My Life.

I was hoping my roomie, Wirdah, would have returned by the time I got back, but alas she had already planned earlier that she would only return tonight. I arrived yesterday.

Thank The Almighty, I still have Kakai. So I crashed in her room last night. I don't know if her roommates were okay with it, because we didn't talk much. I know that most probably had something to do with us not being close to each other at all, but I can't help thinking that my presence did indeed bothered them. It made me hate myself all the more, I almost broke down crying.

Thank God for Space Bound though. I don't know why, the song just speaks to me. Okay, so maybe I do know why. Bleh.

I sure hope Wirdah arrives tonight. And that my father will come over to visit soon, bringing my dorm room keys and more importantly my dear old laptop with him.

Oh, and of course there's the exam tomorrow.

I did try to revise for it, I swear. When I woke up this morning it was the first thing I got to doing. But then my head began hurting like mad. You see, the fire alarm went off. When fire alarms go off, it meant there's fire. But around here, it seems fire alarms could also go off of their own accord. And have I mentioned that the alarm is about right outside the door to Kakai's room, where I was trying to revise? I put up with it for about two hours (or less) and then I just collapsed and disappeared off the face of Earth into a most horrible dream.

I dreamed that I missed the exam tomorrow. Yvonne messaged me "u missed it! ur gonna hafta repeat!" and I was all "ah, well. fine." at first but when the gravity of the whole thing sunk in I was all "I shall now commit suicide."

In fact, the moment I woke up, I began frantically searching for something that could help me to reach that end. I caught sight of the window and went to it. But one glance down the window was enough to tell me; the height was simply not enough to really kill me. I almost went on to laugh hysterically when I realised that I have not missed an exam, and that I was only dreaming. Thank God I didn't went on to jump out that window. Even if the fall didn't kill me, I'd still have suffered from broken or otherwise fractured bones.

Anyway, so now I'm just waiting for Wirdah to come back and text me.

Untitled XXXXIII

2010-09-15T02:35:00.000+08:00

It is half past 2 in the morning, and here I sit typing up yet another untitled post.

I am surrounded by Plot Bunnies. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't do pretty much anything properly. I want to DIE, really. Not seriously, but really I want to die.

If I start to follow one into its hole, I'm never going to start with my revisions.

How is it that these bunnies never fail to show up in such an impeccable timing such as now; less than a bloody week before the bloody finals? FINALS. The Final Fucking Exam.

I've been using way too many curse words, just littering them everywhere in my speech, annoying the fuck out of Rei and myself.

I really, albeit not seriously, want to die.

Eid 1431H

2010-09-12T23:07:00.001+08:00

Here we are, the obligatory post.

As is the norm, and coincidentally a very happy one too, I spent this year's Eid with my family in Semporna, the remote little town where my parents were born. I think it will also be my place of return, when I get old or something. Anyway.

Semporna is 500++km away from KK, where I live, and we go there by car. Every year. And as is fitting for an apathetic being such as myself, this long monotonous, uneventful long-distance journey is The Highlight of The Year every year for me. I kid not.

This time around, the journey would've been equally as unexciting as with previous years if not for that one point where one of the cars (my Big Bro's, no less) broke down and we were stuck there between Ranau and Telupid for the whole of three hours in mid-day.

Thank the powers that may be, we were rescued by Big Bro's gorgeous brothers-in-law in the end. All four of them. Boo-yeah.

Big Bro's car is now in the custody of some workshop in Ranau, and our journey continued with Big Bro hitching a ride with one of his brothers-in-law for the remainder of the journey.

My father may be dead serious about having our own house built in Semporna for his retirement, but until then, we're welcomed to stay at my grandfather's eldest, Uncle Johani's house in Sungai Gajah - Sungai Gajah is "Elephant River" when direct-translated to English, but never in the history of that place were there any sightings of elephant(s) - where we even have an entire room built specifically to host us for the annual Eid hols.

Which we share with about a dozen other permanent residents, and here's one of them:

They look deceivingly like spiders, but they only have six legs. So, I guess, they're not spiders? Or is that pair of feelers really its legs? And is that its eye I see, the glowing one?

Of course, I did not take this picture, for I am deathly afraid of spiders. Or just about anything that has more than two legs and is not mammal, or cute. So my Dad obligingly took this one, because after all it was the biggest one we'd encountered yet then. It span the entire length of my palm. Ahaha... Yea, that's not very big, huh?

Eid fell on a Friday, so the day after we arrived was the last day of the fasting month. We were treated to ohmygodbelievemeyou a decent Bajau meal, which consists mainly of Putu and Fish. I never cared for Putu or Fish before I was suddenly deprived of them; oh the dreadful days of lacking in decent fish dishes in the Peninsular. Ever since I got shipped here, I developed a liking for Putu. In fact, I'm currently partial to Putu. If there is Putu served, I'll have it instead of rice ~~like the Bajau I am~~. Well, I'm getting there.

First Raya was of course a day to commit and yield to gluttony. Needless to say, every house we went to served lots of delicious food, and I hadn't the sense to limit the amount I chuck down my throat for each visit. I was sure I wouldn't need any more food for the rest of this holiday.

Pockets!

Back in my younger, carefree days, Raya meant visiting lots of houses which meant collecting proportionally as much duit raya. My record is half a thousand ringgit. I am not exaggerating.

But alas, nothing is infinite, nothing lasts, specifically not youth. So now I am not as young (and as carefree) and all I got this year was only RM30, give or take... Still, better than nothing?

Of course, if I were to count the amount my parents gave me, the difference isn't much at all.

We spent the morning of the second Raya at our kebun, another I event I look forward to each year. I just really like how far from civilisation it is; the air would never feel as fresh and the sky as clear and the view as green...

Ah, well, at least I am consistent. :P

Like soldiers, march on~

The adults, discussing and trying to decide on the best route to actually reach the kebun.

Last but not least, a pair of millipedes going at it. Well, it kind of looked like it.

Then we rushed back to Sungai Gajah for another bath; it was a hike, trying to reach the place. Every year, we have to ignore the guilt that tugged at our hearts about intruding some bloke's private property. You see, our kebun is surrounded by other people's properties. Sure, they're all family, but still.

We visited my cousin, Omar's house and had more than our fill again (the food was divine, it was.) before embarking on another raiding spree. I didn't get any more pockets though.

On our last night in Semporna, we went to my maternal grandma's in Kampung Air and met an old friend.

I don't know his name, but ever since I was a kid, this old cat's name is always Kaki Pau (Pau Feet?) because when he was a wee kitten his forepaws looked so much like pau's. I always wanted to put them in my mouth.

I hope I'll see him again next year, although I doubt it. I mean, he is old...

We were ready for the journey home before the sun even rose, but we ended up embarking long after the sun began its reign anyway. But we managed to reach home within 8 hours, so I guess we made good time?

We made a short stop in Kundasang for Zuhur+Asar prayers, where my mind was filled with thoughts of Cadmium and Arson and Mercury and Fish.

Happy Eid to those celebrating it. (I must point out that I like the fasting month better.)

Look at the bloody camera, Kakipau, or I'll chop off your paws.

Coupling

2010-09-06T02:05:00.000+08:00

I was making my way to class the other day and saw this poster thing to the side which read "zero-coupling" with a picture of a girl and a boy holding hands and looking ~~happy~~ high. I stopped in my tracks and stared at it. All I could think of was "what has been seen, cannot be un-seen", which is depressingly true.

What is this fuckery?, I thought to myself. "Coupling"? Really, "coupling"? I know what that poster is trying to say, it's trying to say "boys and girls are not allowed to get all romantically involved with each other while they're in these premises". But what pisses me off just so fucking much was the use of the word "coupling"!

Granted, I couldn't have come up with a better word/phrasing/poster to that end, but I'm just a prat who can't say anything for herself in real life so I'm just venting shit here. So.

Never mind the idiot who designed that stupid poster and chucked that word on it, what I really really hate is that it was actually put up in the school. It was put up! Fucktarded authorities! Did they not care to at least look into what the word "coupling" actually means?

1. a mechanical device that connects two things
2. a device for connecting railway cars or trucks together
3. the part of the body of a horse, dog, or other quadruped that lies between the forequarters and the hindquarters
4. [electronics] the act or process of linking two or more circuits so that power can be transferred between them usually by mutual induction, as in a transformer, or by means of a capacitor or inductor common to both circuits
5. [physics] an interaction between different properties of a system, such as a group of atoms or nuclei, or between two or more systems
6. [genetics] the occurrence of two specified non-allelic genes from the same parent on the same chromosome

It makes me want to pull my hair out. We are flaunting our ignorance.

No, that's all I'm going to do about it: rant. I don't intend to "fix" it. I can see that it's not even an actual problem to begin with. I'm just a deranged lunatic who hates everything.

Onto the issue that is youngsters becoming romantically involved with each other.

No, I am no preacher. I'm just a pathetic 20-year-old virgin who hates everything for no sane reason. I'm pretty sure that is a fact that has been firmly established at this point.

What is it with these people? What is this abomination they're calling "hope" and "second chances"?

Okay, I'm not making any sense. Let me start somewhere decent.

Girl meets boy. Boy very cute. Girl is cute too, of course, otherwise boy wouldn't have wanted to proceed to the next step which is boy woos girl. Girl thinks they're in love. Maybe boy think so too, but I wouldn't know. At any rate, girls always wants more attention than boys. It could go the other way, it could go both ways, but the story is basically the same; one of them gets suffocated and goes to find someone else. The latter finds out, gets hurt, gets dump/dumps the partner, gets "scarred", continues to live anyway, the fucktard.

The guy that got dumped would most probably get over the girl soon and meets another one and the story repeats; but perhaps for the next round, he might take the other role. He'll get bored and go find another girl and eventually gets dumped/dumps the previous girl. Or if he's better than that, he'd have dumped her first before finding some other girl.

The girl who got dumped might give a hard time to the next boy because she won't easily trust boys now, or stops trusting altogether. But she'll get over it soon enough and will begin a new "relationship". And of course, the story repeats.

I don't understand. Why? WHY? Oh, I'm not being fair? Fine. I'll give them a break.

They're just young, and have all this "love" they want to share with someone, because they either had a very happy life or a very miserable life. I'm just the poor little girl who "lost her innocence" back when she didn't even know what that was and so have grown up to be all angsty and prickly and shit.

Ah, but look here. I tried that stupid "coupling" thing once, back when I thought I was finally "mature" enough for it. And guess what happened? I couldn't even get to the actual "coupling" part.

It's just so... frustrating. You stay up all night on the phone listening to their sexually arousing voice but not actually hear the shit they're spewing out their mouths about their day or their past or whatever. And then of course there are times when you just want to be alone, but your "significant other" calls up and demands your attention and you just have to put up with that shit because you're just so "in love".

Fuck, man. It's one in the morning and I still want to rant.

Granted, so some of them can be "understanding" and will give their boy/girlfriends the "space they need".

Heard about boys blowing off their friends to spend time with his girl? Yes, but only if the girl is his new girlfriend, or she's super hot and he never "gets it". How about boys blowing off their girls to hang out with their friends? Yes, that too, and likely the girl is going to dump him soon; she is either too needy/clingy for his tastes (you know, contrary to his initial impressions of her. How else did they end up "coupling" anyway?) or he got bored, which makes more sense to me. And boys who are just completely perfectly balanced when it comes to this? He's gay.

And by "friends" I also mean "video games".

Okay. So some girls actually do have a spine and can take over the boy's role aforementioned. Whatever.

My point? I think I've stressed it enough; I'm just ranting. Onto my rantings then.

I hate telling my best friends that I have no faith whatsoever in their new relationships. But then I realise that I'm just a really big prat, so I decide to just say "I'm happy for you!" whenever they relapse back to "He's just so good to be true" not long after they say "I feel so stupid. He wasn't worth any of it since the very beginning!". Let me mention that the very beginning was "He's just so good to be true".

But yeah, these vibrant, hopeful, unyielding youngsters are simply blessed with immeasurable ~~stupidity~~ endurance and ~~ignorance~~ belief or whatever and I'm just plain ~~disgusted with myself~~ jealous of them.

Alas, my brain has stopped working because it hadn't had any sleep in the past few weeks.

I just hate being human sometimes. Because being a human means needing other humans. I need those stupid best friends and hence cannot act out the real, spiteful bitch that I'm afraid I might actually be. I can't just out and tell them "But that's exactly what you thought about the last one!" and "It really is too soon!" and "You're being plain stupid". Ah... Maybe the day might even come when I finally say "I told you so". I mean, ~~Jesus fucking Christ~~ Merlin's pointed hat, how thick could one get?

Oh, of course I'm not done ranting. In fact, I'm not even going to proof read this shit before publishing it.

I wouldn't know for sure, but for me the only thing that makes sense about a boy wanting to be with a girl is because they want to get into their pants. Of course, there are some girls who wants that exact same thing, but most girls I know (especially those who come crying to me about their ruined relationship – because apparently I have this magnetic-like property for the emotionally scarred) ~~are really just plain confused~~ just want to love and be loved in return, with "love" having a different definition than that of the boys'.

For boys it's called making love after all. For these ~~naivete~~ girls it's fluffy lovey dovey mama loves papa shit.

It could be the other way around, I'm sure, but not in this country. By the way, I've never been outside of this country and I only speak for ~~the kids here~~ myself (and not even in real life, no).

My point? I'm just ~~bitching~~ ranting, I've said that a thousand times.

But yeah, so now I know if I ever think about hooking up with someone, I'll only have one thing in mind because it's the only thing that makes sense this time being: sex. I don't want to stay up listening to their ranting all nightmare long and then have to pay for the bills and shit, and then have to act all innocent and carefree because we're "so in love". No. It's "coupling" and "making love".

Pure Euphoria = Madness

2010-09-02T20:54:00.000+08:00

This is madness!

Currently eating asam laksa flavoured instant noodles in my dorm room, on my last night for this Ramadhan.

Eh, that sentence came out wrong, huh?

I mean, for the remainder of this fasting month, I won't be here.

SO HAPPY~

Anyway, my flight home is due in just a few hours, I doubt I'll be sleeping tonight.

I'm still in my dorm because I'm waiting for my uncle and aunt to come pick me up. They said they were gonna be here in about an hour.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for my laundry to come out of the dryer.

You could just see me having a staring contest with the clock. Home, here I come~~~

Speaking of looking way too forward to the future...

I must remind myself that while flying isn't coherently dangerous, crashing is. And the my flight might never make it home tomorrow. Or I mightn't make the flight. Maybe I'll oversleep. Maybe I'll die of heart attack in the next minute!

So yeah, I need to keep my mind here with me and not stray home too soon. Otherwise those horrid things will definitely happen.

Unless God decides that luck is with me on this. Or Fate.

Okay. Ranting needs to ends here. I must finish this noodle and attend to my laundry. I'm not thoroughly done with packing up either.

Definitely coming back here to amend this.

Same Old Story

2010-08-28T02:57:00.004+08:00

Another depressing entry.

I really miss hatter.

So today ...it's 3 in the morning on a Saturday. So. Yesterday I went down to Low Yat Plaza to hunt down a replacement for the pendrive I lost, the one my poor Dad lent me. It was a Kingston DT150 64GB.

Of course, the model is now outdated by the DT200, or newer, I wouldn't know, so after 10 minutes of asking around, the third shop I asked finally gave me an answer that made me realise how futile my attempt at replacing the expensive thing was, "they don't make those anymore, they're obsolete now. You can drop your pathetic search."

So I broke down crying in a very public shopping mall, prompting my right hand to reach for the phone in my handbag and call home. Yea, my right hand has its own mind, and I have my home number on speed-dial...

Which are irrelevant to this post. Aanyway.

I was kidding when I said I broke down crying. Although I did call home the moment it hit me that I'll have to confess this long-kept secret to my father.

"Dad, I lost super-expensive high-end pendrive you lent me last semester. Yes, I waited a whole of six months before I decide to tell. Yes, I tried to look for a replacement. No, I don't have the money to pay you back."

Sometimes, suicide can really appeal to me so fucking much. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate everything. But mostly I hate myself. So yes, suicide.

Evidently, as it had obviously turned out, I managed to resist the temptation that was suicide. Because I'm typing up this bloody post, see?

When I get so mad and so miserable and there's just nothing I could do for myself, I'll do one of three things:
1. Streak.
2. Masturbate.
3. Frequent the cinema. Alone.

The former two simply wouldn't do, so more often than always, I end up resorting to the latter. Thank God.

Blogging is of course one of the things I do when I'm miserable, but only when I'm not miserable enough. So when the posts here becomes sporadic, i.e. 2009, one can expect I'm sulking in a corner somewhere just crying my eyes out.

Or streaking. That is still an option.

So today I watched Repo Men.

That movie was... was... I don't know. It scared me a great deal. I was just squirming in my seat, enjoying myself a lot.

Ew. No. Not like that.

Yes, I checked out the book before checking out the movie. Although I didn't get past the first sentence: "The first time I held a pancreas in my hands, I got an erection." Of course that stopped me from reading on. It made me shudder.

Jude Law's narration made me shudder. That bloody accent.

Bitch is confused now.

Okay I just called myself bitch. I need to get to bed now.

Oh wait, Repo Men.

It wasn't the blood, or organ reposession, or even the cat in the box that was both alive and dead, no. What scared me was ...oh, Hell I don't know. Maybe it really wasn't fear. Maybe I had never been so fucking excited in my whole entire life.

Sleep. Now.

Clubs and Spades

2010-08-25T18:16:00.001+08:00

Title could be random, but I picked it up off Hakim's old blog.

One would think I should be more focused on my revisions now that I've finished Stormy Nights, but no... I'm just staring down my watch as if daring it to toll away the hours to my flight back home on the coming 3rd!

I missed yet another Physics lecture today. I just couldn't get out of bed. The class started at 2pm. I woke up at 3.

I went to sleep at 1pm, okay. I didn't miss any other classes today. Thankfully.

But this sleep deprivation needs to stop. Tonight, I'm going to bed the minute I think about going to bed. Yes. And I'll tell my insufferable roommate to kindly take the party outside the room, thanks. just. Please. AND. When you come back, I implore you, leave the bloody lights off. GOD.

At times I just wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. But I know Death will not bring me peace. Because I'm not ready to die just yet, in addition I've long sold my peace and soul to the Devil.

Yes, I'd rather have hatter by my side at the moment instead of this deafening silence.

I try to remember a face, I do try. But none ever comes. Not one face I could trust to confide my unjustifiable depression in. I'm just that pathetic. Just hopeless.

Despicable emo rantings aside,...

The timetable for our finals are up on the noticeboards. I thank the dark heavens for my exam starts on the 21st, which gives me a relatively early head-start. And the first paper is Arabic.

I suddenly realise I'm not at all confident about it this time.

Physics is still making me worry. A lot.

I screwed up my carry marks. I'm dead.

Untitled XXXXII

2010-08-24T01:01:00.000+08:00

Two posts within the time span of just a little over 24 hours. I obviously have no life at the moment.

It's just that my mind is dead set on looking forward to the holidays; despite telling myself repeatedly that I haven't that much time left to prepare for my exams! I'm gonna die aren't I?

I went to bed early, well earlier than usual at least, last night at roundabout 12am. I had to put on a blindfold even because

Eh? Oh right. My current roommate, it appears, share a similar fear of the dark with the rest of my previous roommates ever since I moved here to the Peninsular. What is it with these people and their problems with sleeping without the lights on? When I got Faizah, a Sarawakian, for my roomate last year, I had been relieved for a lot of reasons; namely that she doesn't have that annoying accent and despite her relative incompetence in English, she could at least understand when I speak Malay. But the roommates I got stuck with since she left were all very tiring, bright (and I mean bright) Peninsular natives. It is most frustrating.

Now then, where was I?

So at precisely 1am, whilst I drift aimlessly between blissful rest and trying consciousness, said roommate decided to pull me in the latter, less desired direction - that is, into trying consciousness. Why they seem to have this unfathomable need to hold their petty gatherings in the middle of the blooming morning, I'll never know. Not for the first time, I wished then for some earplugs. Or, easily, to be a very heavy-sleeper.

The noise and blinding light finally died down about two hours later. FML.

I couldn't go back to sleep, so I choked down some pills because well that does help with the headache. But all night long, I couldn't sleep.

Consequently I vowed to myself: I'm not going to tolerate this intrusion of my basic human rights any longer. Or at least, starting with the next roommate after this one. Because this one has been nice to me. Except during the night where she leaves the light on. Oh, God how it hurts my head. Sometimes I wish my head did explode. But that would mean not having a head anymore, which is not pretty.

Anyway then I awoke the next day to this cottony stupor (I don't know, I just thought of that) and discovered that I have missed yet another Chemistry class. That Warning Letter is well on its way to my parents now, alright. Fuck this shit, man. Fuck the fucking fuckity fuckers.

And then I thank the dark heavens for the cancelled Arabic class.

But still, all throughout Physics class this afternoon, only one single thought could be heard from the corners of my mind; I need to drop this shit cause I'm going to bloody fail the final. FUUUUUUUUU

Of course, I can't drop this subject now; the finals are only three weeks away! [head. desk. head. desk. cracks. bleeds. dies.]

I have so much more to rant about, but Stormy Nights just got more reviews. Makes me feel it was worth the time to write that shit after all.

I need to tone down the curses.

Untitled XXXXI

2010-08-22T04:33:00.000+08:00

Wow a 41st Untitled. The 135th post.

My flight home is rescheduled to September 3rd, which is 5 days earlier than initially planned. That leaves me with a little less than a fortnight to focus on studying.

Problem being I currently can't focus on anything.

Tis eleven days into the month of fasting, and yet I've only fasted for two days. My crimson visitor came along and ruined just about everything for me. I even resorted to listening to Red's "Already Over" again, and ideas of Harry/Voldemort nature began sparking in my head.

Thankfully, my head is also filled with cottons, so I'm not going to start on another fanfic anytime soon; not even a Harry/Voldemort pairing. Just no.

I was online on facebook earlier and Rauf came on and wanted to hang out. So we met up 15 minutes later.

As I sat there listening to his seemingly endless tale about a suspiciously generous new friend, I can't help but wonder: why? Why do I put up with this?

I would've liked nothing better than to raise my hand to his mouth and declare right there and then, "shut the fuck up. I'm not interested in your rantings."

Granted, he wasn't ranting, and I'm a much bigger git than he is.

Despite the pessimism which defines my very being, I still dare dream to someday meet the perfect person for me.

I will be able to act myself when I'm with this person, because they're going to be a bigger prat than I am. They will speak fluent English and perfectly capable of conversing in Companionable Silence. They will treat me the way I want to be treated, which as of yet I haven't really figured out how exactly. I keep saying I want to be treated like I'm invisible, but where will that get me with this person?

This person is not going to be someone I'm spending the rest of my life and have babies with, no. In fact this person isn't even going to be my best friend.

Perhaps this person is just that acquaintance I occasionally bump into in random night clubs, drunk and disorderly, and I'll take them home with me and have casual sex and get back with my own life the next morning. Someone I might end up pregnant with, but will further move out of the country and keep their unfortunate babies to myself.

Why I keep referring to this person in the ambiguous third-person pronoun "they" when they should obviously be males if I expect to get knocked up after having sex with them still escapes me.

Alas, a most disagreeable tendency to type down run-on sentences.

Too bad for me, I don't go to night clubs, and I don't think I can have babies. Meh.

Eh... There's also the fact that I'm still a virgin.

And that Biology assignment due next week.

I have no life. Fucking simoleons.

Frayed Ends of Sanity

2010-08-16T20:36:00.001+08:00

Never hunger, never prosper
I have fallen prey to failure
struggle within, triggered again
now the candle burns at both ends

twisting under schizophrenia
falling into deep dementia

old habits reappear, fighting the fear of fear
growing conspiracy, everyone's after me
frayed ends of sanity, hear them calling
hear them calling me

birth of terror, death of much more
I am a slave of fear, my captor
Never warning, spreading its wings
as I wait for the horror she brings

loss of interest, question, wonder
waves of fear they pull me under

into ruin I am sinking
hostage of this nameless feeling
Hell is set free, flooded I'll be
feel the undertow inside me

This.

I'm still trying to finish Stormy Nights. In fact, I currently have the seventh, last chapter opened in one window - so far there are 1522 words in 11 pages. It seems I am quarter-way through with it.

So why am I not doing it instead of this post?

I just can't fucking continue anymore. Fuck this all. Why? WHY DAMMIT?

I hate how closed-minded I really am, I realised this to be true when I read something the other day. Anyway it was about setting your mind free. Doubt everything and reset your mind, because true knowledge can only be acquired through logic thinking. Metacognition, consciousness, sentience, sapien etc.

So I went and listened to some Tokio Hotel songs. Hahaha! They are actually GOOD dammit. They are! The guy just doesn't sound rock enough. I mean, Hell, Scream doesn't sound like scream at all.

And Justin Bieber CAN sing. David Archuleta can too. But so can I, although not as good as them. Meh.

Train's Soul Sister is positively cute. Except maybe the entire Soul Sister thing. [shrug]

And Marilyn Manson is fucking scary. Yes. And a complete narcissistic nihillist.

Metallica still rules all.

Draco Malfoy is a git, period. Why I write him out differently in Stormy Nights is because he can't be with Hermione otherwise. It could work the other way around, yes, but I don't favour it.

What actually happened is I sketched a picture of Draco Malfoy the other day and it turned out absolutely perfect - it bore no resemblance whatsoever to Tom Felton, the actor who plays the character in the movies, but I still think he was Draco Malfoy in every way. Unfortunately, the bloody sketch was done on the desk I was sitting at instead of a decent piece of paper so I don't fucking have it anywhere anymore. FUUU

Therefore, a nice sobered Draco was born in my head.

August

2010-08-08T01:52:00.001+08:00

Autumn. The season where everything dies. It is beautiful.

Abscissic acid.

Okay I have no idea where that came from.

I was going to update this blog late last July, but it turned out to make a decent length for an actual fanfic. So I posted it up on fanfiction.net.

It gained views at a rate I never knew possible. I suddenly felt a little burdened. But then came the reviews. They actually wanted updates. As in more chapters. As in continue the story. So then I felt really burdened.

I said I was going to finish in by the seventh chapter. Reason one: I'm OCD like that - the story was going to span the whole one week. Reason two: I cannot write fanfics properly - it's someone else's story and characters, it's impossible for me to not write them out the way I make them out to be. Reason three: I have never got past 4000 words in writing a story, any story, and this was a bloody fanfic.

I've so far reached 11000+ words, in 5 published chapters, and the sixth chapter is stuck at 600 words. I wish I could say it's me procrastinating again. I'm afraid that is not the case.

I was writing somewhat furiously the other day, I was so sure I'd finish it in a few hours, but then what happened? The power went off. My laptop just died on me.

So for the past few days I was simply put off from writing. And I blew money on more things I'd hardly ever put on. FUUU

On a more important note, I got a ticket home for the Eid holidays after all. Yay!

And it got me so ecstatic, I'm giving myself such a hard time focusing on studies. So yeah, FUUU

I went out with Suelaiy today. Oh no wait, it's 2am on August 8th. So... I went out with Suelaiy yesterday~ She doesn't seem to have change much. Older, perhaps. And hopefully, stronger. After all the pain she's been through, she has to be stronger. One could only gain strength through pain if not belief. No, just pain, period.

Anyway, I hope she enjoyed it. I took her to the movies and Sushi King and Krispy Kreme and blew lots of money. (Oh, fine, I'm exaggerating that last part)

I was going to type something else, but now I see that it fits in better in my other blog. I shall move on there.

Safety Tips of Sorts

2010-07-07T17:39:00.000+08:00

For when you're attacked, abducted, home alone etc.

1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, do not hand it to him. TOSS IT AWAY FROM YOU. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.)

DON'T DO THIS!

The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. The moment you're in the car, lock the doors and leave.

Now, if someone is suddenly in the car with a gun to your head, DO NOT DRIVE OFF.

repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF!

Instead start the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car.

Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes get out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A.) Be wary: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Some serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back and get someone - guard/policeman to walk you back out. It is always better to be safe than sorry. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Staircases are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at night)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP

It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who always played on the sympathy of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, do not open the door.'

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, do not open the door.'

He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. So do not open the door for a crying baby.

me: another one forwarded e-mail.

My Father

2010-07-07T17:13:00.000+08:00

أنا وأبي
My Father and I

وأنا عمري 4 أعوام : أبي هو الأفضل
When I was 4 Yrs Old : My father is THE BEST

وأنا عمري 6 أعوام: أبي يعرف كل الناس
When I was 6 Yrs Old : My father seems to know everyone

وأنا عمري 10 أعوام: أبي ممتاز ولكن خلقه ضيق
When I was 10 Yrs Old : My father is excellent but he is short tempered

وأنا عمري 12عاما: أبي كان لطيفا عندما كنت صغيرا
When I was 12 Yrs Old : My father was nice when I was little

وأنا عمري 14 عاما: أبي بدأ يكون حساسا جدا
When I was 14 Yrs Old : My father started being too sensitive

وأنا عمري 16 عاما: أبي لا يمكن أن يتماشى مع العصر الحالي
When I was 16 Yrs Old : My father can't keep up with modern time

وأنا عمري 18 عاما: أبي ومع مرور كل يوم يبدو كأنه أكثر حدة
When I was 18 Yrs Old : My father is getting less tolerant as the days pass by

وأنا عمري 20 عاما: من الصعب جدا أن أسامح أبي، أستغرب كيف استطاعت أمي أن تتحمله
When I was 20 Yrs Old : It is too hard to forgive my father, how could my Mum stand him all these years

وأنا عمري 25 عاما: أبي يعترض على كل موضوع
When I was 25 Yrs Old : My father seems to be objecting to everything I do

وأنا عمري 30 عاما : من الصعب جدا أن أتفق مع أبى ، هل ياترى تعب جدى من أبي
عندما كان شابا
When I was 30 Yrs Old: It's very difficult to be in agreement with my father, I wonder if my Grandfather was troubled by my father when he was a youth

وأنا عمري 40 عاما: أبي رباني في هذه الحياة مع كثير من الضوابط، ولابد أن أفعل نفس الشيء
When I was 40 Yrs Old: My father brought me up with a lot of discipline, I must do the same

وأنا عمري 45 عاما: أنا محتار، كيف أستطاع أبي أن يربينا جميعا
When I was 45 Yrs Old: I am puzzled, how did my father manage to raise all of us

وأنا عمري 50 عاما: من الصعب التحكم في أطفالي، كم تكبد أبي من عناء لأجل أن يربينا ويحافظ علينا
When I was 50 Yrs Old : It's rather difficult to control my kids, how much did my father suffer for the sake of upbringing and protecting us

وأنا عمري 55 عاما: أبي كان ذا نظرة بعيدة وخطط لعدة أشياء لنا، أبي كان مميزا ولطيفا.
When I was 55 Yrs Old: My father was far looking and had wide plans for us, he was gentle and outstanding.

وأنا عمري 60 عاما: أبي هو الأفضل
When I became 60 Yrs Old: My father is THE BEST

جميع ما سبق احتاج إلى 56 عاما لإنهاء الدورة كاملة ليعود إلى نقطة البدء الأولى عند الـ 4 أعوام " أبي هو الأفضل "
Note that it took 56 Yrs to complete the cycle and return to the starting point "My father is THE BEST "

فلنحسن إلى والدينا قبل أن يفوت الأوان ولندع الله أن يعاملنا أطفالنا أفضل مما كنا نعامل والدينا.
Let's be good to our parents before it's too late and pray to Allah that our own children will treat us even better than the way we treated our parents.

قال تعالى:
" وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُواْ إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا واخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا"

This came from the e-mails, one of those forwarded ones.

Untitled XXXX

2010-07-05T02:56:00.002+08:00

Bunnies all over the place; hopping off her bed, nibbling on her books, annoying the Hell out of Hatter. They agitate her, and none of them were red. She only wanted to conjure up one single red rabbit but was now stuck with these glum-inducing grey ones. She was annoyed, this was never going to help finish any task of hers that needed finishing. And time was running out, fast.

She decided the plot bunnies will be dealt with one by one, slowly until she gets rid of them all, or until they themselves choose to wither away and die. Like many other plot bunnies before them. Yes, she could do this.

The clock struck midnight three hours ago, she had already been waking up in the late hours of the afternoon all weekend and tomorrow is Monday, she needed her sleep.

Plot bunnies killed off one by one here. Talking to myself in the third person had frequented me lately, and I am increasingly derailed (whatever that means), so I went back to my old blog there and brushed up a few stuff. I think I'll be posting there more often than here for the time being.

Plot bunnies are annoying. (And if you don't know what plot bunnies are, I admit I haven't an actual clue myself. But I've come to understand it as a term for an incessantly nagging idea for a sorry excuse of a story that comes up at the most inconvenient of times.

Fever

2010-06-27T18:24:00.003+08:00

Untitled XXXIX

2010-06-25T02:39:00.002+08:00

An untitled. It means I'm listening to my Instrumental playlist again.

Currently it's Yuna's Ballad from Final Fantasy XII-2. It has a somewhat calming, melancholic effect on me. Which makes sense I guess.

I also have Orion by Metallica. It sounds like ...sex.

Devil's Dance also sounds like sex. Hot, intoxicating sex on the ...dancefloor? Whut? [bricked]

I'll stop talking like a pervert now and move on to my usual rambles.

Thank God.

So the other day I was sulking for a reason other than my non-existent suffering; starvation. I could almost feel the acid digesting the lining of my stomach. What made it all worse was I had to carry the Chemistry textbook on which I finished the last of my money around. The thick, heavy Chemistry textbook. I was beginning to loathe the subject already.

But God Almighty does work in mysterious ways.

When classes were finally over that fine Wednesday, I headed straight for the dorms and tried my hardest to ignore the delicious smell of food wafting from the cafeteria. As I reached my room and started fumbling in my bag for my keys, a miracle happened.

I accidentally dropped the book I've been hating since morning, and out of it fell three pieces of RM10 notes. I almost fell into fits of hysterical laughter right there and then. Almost. Because instantly I started wondering where the Hell did that came from?

Well it came from between the pages of my fucking textbook, hence it has to be mine. [laughs hysterically]

Okay no, I'm just kidding. Of course I remembered putting the remainder of the RM100, of which RM70 I used to fucking pay for the book. Hark! It was like God moved my hand to do just that. [laughs some more]

Today (or yesterday if one may) was another awesome experience.

Maybe not awesome, rather traumatic.

Today we dissected mice in the Biology Lab. It reeked of ...science.

Not enough that I was nervous and downright petrified of the whole subject, I got stuck dissecting the smallest rat of the lot. I had such a hard time trying to keep my hands (and head, and entire being, for that matter) steady so as not to ruin the ...experiment. I wonder if I really wasn't saying those comforting words to the rat.

To top it off, my fingers still smell of dead rat (and cut up internal organs and shit) because I realised too late that my gloves had holes in them. Joy.

I also ~~spent~~ wasted a great deal of time sorting my facebook friends into lists. Now, this is my fucking blog after all, I'll type whatever the Hell I want.

When I first found out that Facebook allows one to sort their "friends" into different groups i.e. lists, I went straight to doing just that. Because I'm OCD like that. Meh.

At first it was only to isolate people of my middle school from those of high school. Then I started playing Vampire Wars and started adding more people, a majority of them could only be sorted into their own list - "vampires", haha. And then my cousins came on fb, so they got their own list too. Then some long lost relatives came on too, so I made another list.

After some time, the whole listing thing became chaotic. So I made new lists to replace the old ones and started sorting people differently.

But then I finished high school and started taking A-levels, and then went on to CenfoS after that. This came with a flood of new people.

Just now would be the, what, fifth? fourth? time I re-organise the thing. Deleting all the lists and making new ones. I've sort of become a pro at it. I know, it's pathetic.

I think it's kind of urm, interestingn though. Sorting the people in your life into categories like "mere acquaintances" and "buddies" and "people to count on". Of course, I do not own any of such lists, those are just some of the stuff that came to mind when I do this thing.

God, let's hope this does not ever turn into your hobby or something que, or I'll definitely leave.

So now instead of one person belongs in up to 4 lists, I managed to sort them into two; where I'm supposed to know them from, and how much I like them. There's "consanguineous" (relatives), "my clan" (relatives who actually matter), "MS" (Maktab Sabah), "SMAKK" (high school, meh), "old batch" (a short list of fellow A-level candidates), "new batch" (CenfoS) and "uncharted" (because not everything can be sorted). And then there's lists in accordance to how much I like them. I realised that I could only either be neutral to that person, or stalking them. Never in between. Hahaha!

Of course I'm only kidding. Bah. There are "acquaintances", "better acquainted", "random adds", and "stalk list". "Acquaintances" is the longest list there. That and "My Coven" (people I add for the sake of levelling up in Vampire Wars lol).

Some of my classmates with whom I shared a lot of memories ended up in "acquaintances" (which I guess is second only to "random adds") because, I realised, I never bother to check on them and now I hardly know who they are anymore. One such classmate is Syazwani Nordin. We used to be best friends who were like twins separated at birth. I used to cannot live without her. Sad, isn't it? How Time changes people?

"Stalk list" consists of awesome people like Hakim Luqman. ...Well, maybe only one awesome person, and the remaining 9 are just people I feel obliged to keep tabs on. Like my brother Hadi. And my girlfriends from the past. And one of the present. Haha

Indeed there are also people I just want to be rid of completely. Like those who ended up in both "uncharted" and "random adds". Why the Hell did I even accept ~~them~~ their add request in the first place?

Right now it's Just Dance by Lady GaGa. There's nothing "lady"like about the woman, every single one of her songs sound like sex to me. Granted, I've yet to listen to every single one of them. [shrugs]

Then there's also Panic at The Disco and their "Lying is The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off". Definitely sex. And Kings of Leon's "Sex on Fire". Why do I listen to these songs?

Every Wasted Day Becomes A Wasted Chance

2010-06-22T23:10:00.002+08:00

Too true.

I'm depressed, I know it. But this time, I actually agree.

At this instant, I want nothing more than to get in bed and proceed to masturbate. That should release some hormones to get me high enough from this depression. But oh see here, I'm too depressed to do even that!

que, you're not making any sense at all.

It's not like I ever make sense anyway.

I wonder what might the reason be? Terrible things happened today. Terrible things that will no doubt haunt me for a long time to come.

It started with this morning. Oh, of course it started with this morning, in fact every day starts with a morning, que! So this morning I woke up quite early, thank God I managed to go to sleep earlier the night before. But then I found that the lights in the baths were still out, and I never liked the idea of taking a shower blind. At least not in that bath with the occasional cockroaches (and cats!) crawling around. [shivers] So I proceeded to continue my sleep until sunrise.

No, I did not oversleep, thank God again.

After a shower, I went straight to getting that lab report which I was supposed to hand in in under an hour done (you see I started procrastinating again). However, I soon realised that I was quite late for class already and still not yet finished with my task.

Paying for my recklessness, I was not at liberty to give my undivided attention to the lecture, instead I had to continue writing down the bloody report. Let me just elaborate on how much that was my mistake. The experiment was done the week before last, and it was only two pages in length! And yet I still haven't finished it despite having an entire week to do so!

I was finally done with the report but only after the two-hour lecture was over. I practically just missed the entire lesson. Joy.

Making matters worse, my head decided it cannot take in any more input. I further decided to skip my next two lectures for sheer cheek. No doubt I may not skip anymore classes after this without my credits taking on a toll for it (not that I intend to, God please no).

So I started procrastinating and skipping classes again. Why? WHY dammit?

As the day went on, I just about lost it completely. I wanted to break down and cry, but I just couldn't! For no other reason than my inability to cry and pour out the bottled tension! I fear for myself that I might literally blow up someday, but for now skipping classes should suffice.

Listen to yourself que! Skipping classes is only going to worsen everything!

You're right, I cannot have that. Oh bugger.

Therefore I decided to go get dinner. My stomach wanted food. Or rather, my entire body needed food, I knew it from the trembling of my hands.

To my horror, I've finished my last penny on that tutorial paper. I then reminisced the last time I withdrew money - I emptied my bank account just last week, to buy that ruddy book. (Dammit I miss how cheap school textbooks were! And having your parents to take care of that!)

So I picked up my sorry ass and climb the bed to try crying again.

Oh how very mature, que.

What? Crying most of the time solves the problem.

Okay, that was a lie. Crying is never going to solve anything, so I decided to call my brother Hashim and ask if he was ever going to come and visit. Maybe then he would take me out to dinner and I'll actually get to talk to someone.

But this post is about how I ruined my day (or how the day ruined me, meh) so of course bro Hashim couldn't make it. So there went my decent conversation.

I decided I was too emo and needed my mum. So I called my darling mother.

For as long as I can remember, I simply fail to relay my actual wants and needs and feelings and emotions to my mother, often ending up lying to her face. For instance, the reason I called her was because I needed comforting, but when asked how I was doing, I sounded like I was on top of the World! Joy. So of course I lost her attention right there and then, in addition it further turned out she had other more important concerns to attend to.

My baby nephew was currently in the emergency room getting a big cut he just got on his chubby arm stitched up. In mum's word, "there was blood everywhere and the doc said he.." and then I simply could not bear to hear further, I was always easily mortified by sentences where both babies and blood are mentioned together. In fact I was just about fainting when I first heard that the baby was even in the emergency room to begin with.

When asked if I still have any money on me, I remembered that I just finished all RM1000 mum supplied me with not more than three weeks ago and felt that I shouldn't tell her the entire truth. Instead I told her I had enough to last me till the week is out when the truth is I am already dying from starvation.

I just hope my nephew's condition is not very bad, and that tomorrow I won't skip any more classes. Please, please don't let me skip any more classes.

To Admit Defeat, To Admit to Cowardice, To Hide

2010-06-21T17:30:00.000+08:00

Pathetic, I know! I'm not proud of it either!

Home is behind,
the World ahead
and there are many paths to tread

through shadow,
to the edge of night
until the stars are all alight

mist and shadow,
cloud and shade

all shall fade,
all shall fade

That last post seriously freaked the Hell out of me, even more than Placenta Smoothies could ever do. But I really like the song that was playing in my head, so I'm keeping that. Haha!

Big Bro messaged me this morning to inform me that he was coming to visit me in campus. I didn't have time to immediately reply, because when I checked the time I found that I've missed my first class for today.

Hatter and his "I told you so"-es. Sheesh.

Why I continue to do these reckless acts despite Unforgiving Time ticking away to my 20th bloody birthday, I might never know. I sure hope I'll find out someday, for the sake of my sanity.

So then I rushed to get ready for the second class. Skipping breakfast, I arrived 15 minutes late. But you see what's worse is that I was not late at all. I was 45 minutes early!

Don't bother figuring that out, it doesn't matter.

Now then, my studies.

Last week I would say "they're getting better". Because last week I finished the tutorials ahead of time thanks to that portion of the year back during A-levels where I actually paid attention in class, so I was able to finish those tutorials earlier. I was also alert for the most part, and was able to go to sleep earlier too.

But now, I'm slowly picking back up my bad old habits; of staying up late and procrastinating. I'm like a pendulum, swinging back and forth. One moment I'm composed and organised, and the next I'm deranged and ...sloppy and grouchy. Why am I still not in equilibrium?(One could tell you just came back from your Physics lecture que. Well we weren't discussing anything equilibrium hatter, excuse us).

Big Bro has yet to reply my message, so I went back up to my room and give my notes a quick sweep (whut?). But because I currently suffer from short attention span, I then proceeded to turn on this dear old laptop and go online.

As though not remembering that it was I myself who put up that appalling post, I started cursing and went on to delete it (after reading it one more time, of course.)

However, I have found that I like the unedited version where my monologues stay intact in the very post, so now I've decided unfortunate readers who happen to come by here shall suffer my unedited posts.

So congrats, Hatter. You now officially exist.

I admit to defeat, yes, and cowardice, but not insanity. No.

The Problem

2010-06-21T16:05:00.004+08:00

Someone sold me and Haxea to the teacher, told him that we cheated during exam. We were called to the office, he gave us a rather long lecture. Haxea was slightly smiling and I kept my emotionless face, staring at him like a statue. None of his words seemed to affect us. None at all. I wonder why? He told us that some of the people in our class even bothered to message him, to inform about our doing. I know who alright, but I'm not angry, I know they did the right thing.

WHAT?! I can be higher than you if I wanted to be! But that's the problem.. I *don't* want to! All I do is draw, it'd be alright if I draw all the time and get high scores anyway, but I don't. I don't feel a thing, but when I realized that my *close* friends were looking at me and Haxea with the same look everyone in the class gave us after returning from the office, I just feel so pissed off. Look down on me eh? Watch me you lot, I will stop imagining I already am higher than you, I will start trying until I really really am there. I already gave my word that I will not cheat starting from semester 2. I will keep my word.

I START TONIGHT.

Only The Insane Equates Pain with Success

2010-06-17T05:11:00.000+08:00

A slight deviation in my choice for post title. This time I shamelessly stole one of Creshire Cat from American McGee's Alice's unhelpful tips instead of a portion from some random song lyric.

I finally posted that accursed "About Me" page, because it's 5 in the morning and I'm undoubtedly high. Knowing I'll come back here soon only to curse myself again for another reckless act, I bid myself goodnight.

translate: this post is going to deleted and that darn page is going to receive some editing.

Sleep, and Dream of Bliss: Death Angel's Kiss Brings Final Peace

2010-06-14T21:39:00.000+08:00

[link]

I finally moved my first post, titled "Prologue", to its own stand-alone page. That was the initial intention ever since I even posted it oh all those years ago. O.O

In the process, I realised the existence of another post. The one in the link above. It is my second post, published in November, 2007. I was facing my SPM that year.

God does work in the most mysterious ways. I'd forgotten that wish to continue my studies in the International Islamic University Malaysia. When I failed to attain a place here almost four fucking years ago, I crushed that wish beneath my dirty shoes and decided to move forward. I remember the disappointment that ate away at my heart, the consequent seclusion, the darkness. I never left that darkness, I was never healed of the pain.

But now I'm here, aren't I? I finally reached my coveted target, the place I dreamed of living in. Why am I still bind and chained to the pain? Is it that I didn't find what I expected to here? What did I expect?

So Tear Me Open, But Beware...

2010-06-12T19:18:00.001+08:00

...there's things inside without a care.

A complication has arised. Classes are now clashing with each other.

lol No, just two classes. Biology II has class on Wednesdays, 8 till 10am. When I first added the section, Wednesday class is supposed to be at 4 till 6pm. Sometime within the first week, which was also the Add-and-Drop session, our Biology II lecturer decided to move that class to 8 in the morning.

In the confusing week of adding and dropping subjects, I added a Chemistry I section. Said section has a class on Wednesday at 9 till 11am.

So from now on I'll be attending half the Biology Wednesday morning class and then make up for whatever I missed during consultation hours, which is right after the Tuesday morning class. That, or on Saturdays. But since I'm always looking forward to spending the weekends at my aunt's - for reasons unknown - the latter is not an option.

The proper order of things is always a mystery to me. You, too?

This morning however, I went for the consultation. I renounce my claim on (oh no, que.. None of that, please.)

So here I am blogging, in my room on a Saturday afternoon. I was going to spend this weekend at my aunt's, but this morning I wanted to go for that consultation with my lecturer (she isn't going to be around for the whole of next week is why). And only during that time did I find out that we're having a quiz next Tuesday. If she knew I didn't know, I think she'd have gone mad. Thanks to how nonchalantly I carry myself (indeed, que) though, she didn't find out.

However, earlier in the week I had promised Kakai (Athirah's cousin from her Dad's side) that we'd go to our Aunt's together. So since it was my fault that I had to cancel the plan to go overnight for this weekend at the eleventh hour, I decided to make up for it by accompanying her on her way - at least until KL Sentral. The plan was to get her there, then go grab another bite of some of those oh so delicious mouth-watering Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Wargh! Just typing that down made me go squeal~~

But to no avail. I ended up getting myself a hair treatment. Shit. What a to do..

To my horror, it then started pouring and I had forgotten to bring an umbrella with me. I had to face the cruel weather and, I'm not exaggerating at all, soaked myself entirely in the rain. My hair was dripping wet, not to mention my clothes, and there was even water (squelch. squelch) in my sneakers! Haha!

Of course I change into dry clothes immediately afterward. But I also went straight to sleep after that too. Lol Couldn't pass up the chance to sleep during a storm, it is most comfortable. Thankfully, I did not catch a cold. ;D

Overall, it's been fun times.

You Say It Best When You Say Nothing at All

2010-06-09T02:48:00.000+08:00

So just shut the fuck up.

It's 2 in the morning again and my class tomorrow starts at 8.30 a.m. Although I did finish my tutorials. Meh. (I've been blogging more I see..)

Today was not so much fun. Let me see.. Ah.

I didn't skip breakfast. I actually woke up quite early, considering I went to bed very late the night before (the morning actually). That was good.

Today was also supposed to be my first Chemistry I class. I'm in a group where I'm the only second-year student. Haha. But after waiting for the lecturer to come in, waited for about half an hour actually - did some physics exercise to kill time (and writing that down to exhibit my meager efforts to improve myself) - she never did. Well I think it's a she.

When I finally left the deserted class I was at the brink of insanity. It's already the second week, the mid-terms are only one month away, and both Biology and Physics classes are already through with the first and second chapters. While Chemistry has yet to even start (and the juniors in my group seem blissfully oblivious to this fact).

As for tomorrow (today, haha), Wednesday is the most packed day in my schedule. Classes from 9am till 6pm. All the four subjects I'm taking this semester have a class on Wednesdays. I had to it to myself because I wanted to be free of Friday classes lol.

I've come to realise that when my post isn't of a depressing nature, my English simply fails. Haha!

I Never Look Higher Than I Can See

2010-06-07T22:19:00.001+08:00

Barely 24 hours since my last post, here's another. Because the current situation in our room amuses me to a certain degree.

Three roomies in one room, all three are human beings capable of conversing, and yet the only sound to be heard is the tapping on each of our laptops. It's sad, really. Why I find this amusing I'll never know.

**********

Holy Mother of [censored]. I just remembered that tomorrow is Tuesday. Pasar Malam day. Rauf just opened the chat window. I sense something coming alright. Something that would send me into deep depression.

Don't all things already do that, que?

I pray to You O Merciful One, don't let him ask about Pasar Malam dammit.

**********

Other than that. I haven't even started playing The Sims 2 which I installed on this dear old laptop on the last day of my holiday - bloody holiday. In fact, I spent more time studying than anything else. Or rather maybe, I'm paying more attention to studying than anything else. I still lose track of shit until now. Only this morning did I went to class an hour before it even started. And then when it finally did, it got cancelled. [sigh]

It's like I'm being punished or something. Even as I typed that down it didn't make enough sense to me.

But I just remembered another amusing thing, which is more importance if I am to get through this semester in one piece.

Oh shit. I just forgot it. Holy fucking simoleons.

Bury Me Deep Where There's No Will to Be Better Than You

2010-06-06T23:42:00.000+08:00

How are Feelings like, for normal people (I don't take myself for a normal person. Normal persons don't just shun everybody else out)? What is it like to Feel, to actually have a heart?

So the date with Yvonne was enough fun. Not much fun, but still fun.

We promised to meet up in KL Sentral at 8am, so I had to take the 7.30am train from Putrajaya (my aunt's), but before that I also had to wake up earlier than I'm used to i.e. 5am. Hurh..fine.. So I went back to sleep for another 20 minutes. Meh.

But despite our efforts to make it at 8am to KL Sentral, public transportation had to turn against us that fine Saturday morning. Yvonne's bus was super-late, so I had to wait another full hour after I arrived at KL Sentral. Curses. We made plans to have breakfast together so I my stomach was empty see? DX

When her train finally got to KL Sentral, we still had to wait for the bus to Sunway. (Our destination that day was Sunway Pyramid. Again.) In the end we made it safely to Sunway in a most famished state.

Breakfast was Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Wa~~~ If I ever want to eat doughnuts again, I'm not getting Big Apple or even Dunkin' Donuts. That is how nice Krispy Kreme doughnuts are. Remembering makes my mouth water and I just had dinner!

Our goal that day was to buy a new pair of formal skirt for Yvonne cause the awesome win of a girl got on the Dean's List! Congratulations darling, you did fantastic! I'm so fucking proud of you! Carameldansen!

So we scoured the place and had fun trying on stuff neither of us had any intention of buying for the lulz. We didn't find one that she liked before it was time for lunch though. [big grin]

We went to Mr. Teppanyaki for lunch. I don't remember what I ordered, but it was really good food. Although I might've liked another serving of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. LOL

After lunch was more shopping and fitting rooms. I almost bought a cute orange blouse but I wanted to buy something else before I buy another blouse which I'm not going to put on very often. Haha. (It was really cute though, the orange one :D)

Yvonne finally bought a RM69 casual formal skirt although she needed convincing before she did. I don't think I was trying hard to even. But I would've bought that skirt myself if I were her. Haha

Dinner.

Dinner was divine. We had dinner at T.G.I. Friday's and that was my first time. And I pray to The Merciful God that it isn't my last T.G.I. Friday's. Oh So Good.

We left for the bus stop and had to wait another hour before we could depart for KL Sentral, and the day concluded.

Obviously I got lazier as I went on. Haha..

The 121st Post: I am Not Quite Sane

2010-06-04T01:07:00.000+08:00

Kill me, whatever.

I dropped Maths II so I could take Chemistry I. If I didn't fail Maths I on my first semester, I would've taken Chemistry I last semester, and Maths II this semester. So my stupidity has resulted with me having to take 4 subjects this semester with 24 contact hours per week. Oddly enough, a friend of mine is taking 5 subjects with just about the same amount of contact hours per week as I. But those are nothing compared to what my cousin is suffering; 7 subjects altogether for her first semester in Human Science course. My prayers go to you, dear one.

Other than that, I'm thankful I dropped that Maths II course. Because I found out that Rauf is in the same group as I.

I don't hold anything against the boy, but sometimes..I just.. gah. I'm not sure anymore.

See, I haven't seen his face in months now and today was the first time. Thanks to him shouting at me because I didn't initially saw him. It was like this see, I was already pissed off when my Biology II lecturer decided we could have consultation this afternoon (Friday; I deliberately enrolled into the groups I did so I'll be free of any Friday classes, but no.. she wanted to have consultation. In the afternoon. It's nobody's fault, really. But I can't help not feeling happy about it either) so I couldn't be bothered to take in every single face I saw in the corridors and play meet-and-greet and whatnot. So my heart literally skipped a beat when I hear him yelling "KAK!". In fact I was so shocked, I forgot to spare a second to acknowledge that he just did something rude (not to mention I had other more important things to do i.e. go sulk in a corner for my "ruined" three-day weekend).

Oh the nerve! What the Hell was that for, kid? Calling me "kak" is supposed to be a sort of sign of respect but when you yell it like that, jeezus!

Honestly I don't mind much. I do mind the pairs of ears that heard it and the pairs of eyes that followed after. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG WHEN I DIDN'T!

For the most part I just want to be left alone and treated like I don't exist, so I'm sorry I missed you but really what does it matter?

Oh exactly, que. What does it matter? Move on from this insignificant topic of getting yelled at for not noticing a friendly on the streets. Spare us, please.

Well what else do I talk about then? Hurm.. Okay.

I've missed 6 hours of Chemistry I classes. In my defense, I just added the course recently. Meh.

Other than that, I have a date with Yvonne this Saturday. Yvonne is the reason I eat Korean, and sushi. This Saturday, she's treating me to my first Dominos. And Krispy Kreme. Haha! No la, she's not going to treat me those. But we'll have fun. Yay!

I'm pretty sure I just saw jellyfishes floating about in my room. Odd.

I got a formspring. Haha!

And a Tumblr.

The reasons would be this and this and this too. What? I need to get a life, huh?

Illusions

2010-05-31T22:33:00.002+08:00

I'm delusional. One breakfast I saw this light coming out from a small portal in my lawn. I'm pretty sure someone walked through it. And just now I saw a black figure walking up to me from the corner of my eye. Seriously.

I tried to kill my pain, but only brought more.. so much more

2010-05-29T01:03:00.004+08:00

It appears that I've taken a liking to putting up excerpts from song lyrics for my post titles.

My flight back to the Peninsular is due tomorrow. I am therefore depressed. Hence this new post. Indeed, there is hardly any post in this blog that doesn't fall into the morose category. For that I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry I'm spiteful and depressed all the time. I don't even have an excuse to be. Whatever pain it is I suffer from, or seem to suffer from, or make myself believe to be suffering from, it's nothing compared to all those other people out there are going through. Sometimes I wonder if I really wasn't sent upon this world to bring heartache and misery.

I see it in their eyes, every time they look at me. Such pain and remorse shielded behind that smile of long-gone happiness that I so desperately cling onto. It's like he dies a little inside with each eye contact we share. What did I do that made me into this person?

Besides the anticipated flight back to school, I'm also unhappy because of what I did to my holidays.

I finished it. Huhu.. No more holidays.

Ever since it happened, time itself seem to blur altogether. How I wish I never met you.

Find me, I'm falling and fooling myself that it's flight.

2010-05-21T22:15:00.000+08:00

He confines himself in solitary for the most part. Behind that shut door, I can never really know for sure what he does in there, or for what purpose. One thing I now know is, he doesn't intend to have anybody know the answer to these questions.

I know people often need their own space. Everybody has secrets. Things of their past that are too dark, too personal; might even be things they wish God Himself doesn't know. Maybe.

But he and I, aren't we One? I can't live without him, I can't bear hurting him (although naturally we hurt the people we love the most), and so does he.. Surely he couldn't bear to hurt me, I know that already. But if I were to disappear, will he really perish?

While he hides behind that door, I venture out to walk idly on my own. Exposing myself to all sorts of danger. Perhaps there were many times when I could have been hurt, but I never got hurt that many times. I wonder if it's because he never forgot to keep me close to his heart, at all times, even when he's behind that closed door, battling his own war, alone.

It has to be true then. I'm only strong when I am on his shoulders.

But now such a long time has passed, so much has happened, and so much has changed. So much but this; I still can't live without him, and I still wonder if my existence is of any significance at all to his own survival. It is always that closed door. He never locked it, I would've been welcome any time. Yet I never dared to open it. It stood tall before me. Always. I never managed to muster up the courage to even knock on it.

And so here I stand. Again, not tall, not proud, I'm just standing. Desperately wishing I didn't keep quiet. One secret after another. And all from the person who is possibly the one I love the most.

Possibly, because I don't know anymore.

I'm sorry pa. I've had to get myself my own door, behind which to hide.. And I have no intention of ever unlocking it.

**********sudden change of mood**********

What does it matter what other people say? What matters is what you think of yourself.

Well says who? I wonder if it really wasn't Iblis Laknatullah himself. (No, this isn't going to be a sort of ceramah agama.. Sheesh.

Lets say I weigh a thousand pounds and have to shoot myself with insulin every single day because apparently I'm dying from diabetes. Yet I stand in front of a mirror everyday and tell myself; I'm a fucking diva.

Maybe I'm the tudung girl who gives her boyfriend blowjobs in the backseat and even consent to getting video-taped. All I have to say to myself is, "meh".

Or maybe that was my bestfriend and I'm really this flaming hot nymphomaniac who'd fuck any living thing, but still tells herself everyday that "everything I do is in the name of God".

What "other people" would say about these girls are that they're wrong, they're straying from what is true, what is allowed. But that's only what "other people" say. Mind you, "other people" could be the ones who love and care for those girls. Or maybe they're just the unfortunate ones to whom The Almighty God bestowed those girls upon them. Or just nosy people. Bottom line, they're the "other people". So what other people think don't matter, and only thing that does is what you think? Really?

De. I'm just ranting here. Not trying to hurt anybody's feelings. (If I did, then, well, boohoo.)

So. Truth.

What is Truth? When telling yourself a lie, and then believing in it, renders the lie to become the truth for you, then what is Truth?

Really? Do I really want to ask this question?

I'd better not. Hell no.

Fcuk It

2010-04-28T20:59:00.002+08:00

Voila, I'm alive!!! I went to search for a video the other day and I had to click this one video. It drove me nuts.

I was looking for a guide actually, maybe something like clear-cut-instructions-on-how-to-defeat-ffxiii-final-boss because i spent a week coming and going trying to kill the final three bosses, I couldn't even get past the second one and then this video had to show how this dude killed them in a second. Soo.................... I DON'T CARE!!! IMMA FORGE MY L'CIES TO GREATER WEAPONS AND FORGE THEIR WEAPONS INTO GREATER WEAPONS!! I DON'T CARE IF IT TAKES A MONTH!!! I WILL DO IT!!!! (even if I already saw the ending and manage to kill enemies I couldn't defeat before) BUT LIKE I SAID.....!!!! HELL, I EVEN TAKE 10 MINUTES TO KILL A FRIGGIN BEHEMOTH KING, PEOPLE TAKE HALF A SECOND!! A FRACTION OF IT, GIVE OR TAKE!!! I.WILL.DO.IT................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tim Burton's Alice

2010-04-28T01:37:00.001+08:00


Directed by	Tim Burton FTW
Produced by	Richard D. Zanuck Joe Roth Suzzane Todd Jennifer Todd
Written by	Linda Woolverton (th screenplay, of course.. not the book)
Starring	Mia Wasikowska Johnny Depp FTW! Helena Bonham Carter FTW! Anne Hathaway Stephen Fry FTW Crispin Glover FTW Michael Sheen FTW
Music by	Danny Elfman
Release date	March 5th 2010 (everywhere else than London)
Distributed by	Walt Disney Pictures

After two years of waiting, this finally made it to the screens. Imagine my excitement at the time, Tim Burton, one of my favourite people in the world, was announced to direct an adaptation of Alice's story, my favourite story ever. And then the movie came out and we got tickets. I could've died from the experience.

I was Most Disappointed. Most.

Of course, it was a good job. It really wasn't that bad, you know. It was the Best casting ever, even the new actress who plays Alice won my heart, the Cat made me squeal and go crazy at its cuteness, and Hatter was as Mad as ever. But. But..

Firstly, there's the running time. 108 minutes. 108! Barely two hours! And I waited 2 years for that movie! 2 whole bloody years!

Secondly, of course they're trying to keep it original but giving those characters names? NAMES? Why did they have to have names? Why, dammit!

However. I enjoyed watching it. I really did. I went to watch it twice, even. Haha!

Alice is like this girl I envy when I was younger. She got the chance to visit a place so wonderful (hence Wonderland. not Underland, please) and it was like, all hers. She even got to be Queen. Her story is really very special to me.

And then Tim Burton decided that his story will pick up from a later time than the books. His Alice is older. She grew up, and it is another, a different visit to Wonderland (I insist.). So when I watched the movie, ..for a moment there, turning back time doesn't seem so far-fetched. It's the best I've felt in a long time. Know what I mean? Haha..

Anyway, I also have my own version of the Wonderland stories. I titled it Sam's Adventures Underground. Haha. It's a work in progress and I posted it on my dA :D Mine is more American McGee's than Tim Burton's..or even Carroll's for that matter. Haha.

I prefer American McGee's Alice than Tim Burton's, but I cant choose between the two Cats. Both the Cats are awesomesauce.